It might have ended there but on opening said jolly holly and mistletoe card out fell a letter which appears to have come from the planet Pretentious.
You know I really thought people had stopped sending those stupid round robin letters out to their extended social circle but it would appear not. What sending one of those means is "I count you as part of my extended network of vague friends and relatives but you are too unimportant in my life to keep in regular contact with so I will tell you all about my wonderful life and family once a year in a carbon copy memo I send out to a metric fuckton of people none of whom remotely give a monkey's peanut laden shite what my and my wonderful kids have been up to."
Quite correct Cousin Twathead, I think I last saw you about seven years ago when you were getting hitched to wife No. 2 in that hotel, or maybe it was wife No. 3 - I lost track.* Anyway he appears to have aquired wife n last year, this one coming pre-sprogged for your convenience, and as a result there are a number of teenage kids to write about so I get to hear about school prom (when the fuck did we import that American nonsense - when I was a hatchling we celebrated the end of term by going down the park and drinking cider), clever Tarquina getting five A* grades in her exams and of course lots and lots and lots of lovely holidays and Cousin Twatheads' promotion at the bank.
Why? Why are you inflicting the minutae of your drab, middle class, estate car and two weeks in the South of France existence on me? It's not as though I am going to write back and congratulate you on a year's worth of achievement in all things mundane is it you fucktrumpet!
If me and Mrs Dracunculus were going to send out one of these it would look something like this:
Well what a year it's been in the Dragon household. The pony got laminitis and has been on box rest for months, we got two dogs who are eating us out of house and home and shit everywhere, my internet connection still sucks but at least I now have a more or less working WiFi setup and the garden hasn't had anything done to it and still resembles the battlefield at Ypres.
Oh and man came with a big tanker sometime in September and pumped out the septic tank.
Apart from that we spent the year gambling, screwing and getting pissed.
See you all in 2010.
* I have a theory that my cousin is over-compensating in the wife department after the debacle of marriage No. 1 back in '94 when it turned out his bride was shagging the best man the day before the wedding and they filed for divorce immediately on returning from their honeymoon (true story - honest!)