Well what a year it's been in the Dragon household

I got a Christmas card off my cousin the other day, the cheapskate had sent it second class and must have posted it late so it arrived on the 29th. Anyway its the thought that counts, a thought I didn't have as I didn't send him one.

It might have ended there but on opening said jolly holly and mistletoe card out fell a letter which appears to have come from the planet Pretentious.

You know I really thought people had stopped sending those stupid round robin letters out to their extended social circle but it would appear not. What sending one of those means is "I count you as part of my extended network of vague friends and relatives but you are too unimportant in my life to keep in regular contact with so I will tell you all about my wonderful life and family once a year in a carbon copy memo I send out to a metric fuckton of people none of whom remotely give a monkey's peanut laden shite what my and my wonderful kids have been up to."

Quite correct Cousin Twathead, I think I last saw you about seven years ago when you were getting hitched to wife No. 2 in that hotel, or maybe it was wife No. 3 - I lost track.^* Anyway he appears to have aquired wife n last year, this one coming pre-sprogged for your convenience, and as a result there are a number of teenage kids to write about so I get to hear about school prom (when the fuck did we import that American nonsense - when I was a hatchling we celebrated the end of term by going down the park and drinking cider), clever Tarquina getting five A* grades in her exams and of course lots and lots and lots of lovely holidays and Cousin Twatheads' promotion at the bank.

Why? Why are you inflicting the minutae of your drab, middle class, estate car and two weeks in the South of France existence on me? It's not as though I am going to write back and congratulate you on a year's worth of achievement in all things mundane is it you fucktrumpet!

If me and Mrs Dracunculus were going to send out one of these it would look something like this:

Well what a year it's been in the Dragon household. The pony got laminitis and has been on box rest for months, we got two dogs who are eating us out of house and home and shit everywhere, my internet connection still sucks but at least I now have a more or less working WiFi setup and the garden hasn't had anything done to it and still resembles the battlefield at Ypres.

Oh and man came with a big tanker sometime in September and pumped out the septic tank.

Apart from that we spent the year gambling, screwing and getting pissed.

See you all in 2010.

^* I have a theory that my cousin is over-compensating in the wife department after the debacle of marriage No. 1 back in '94 when it turned out his bride was shagging the best man the day before the wedding and they filed for divorce immediately on returning from their honeymoon (true story - honest!)

Yawn, scratch, scratch, scratch

Look, dragons tend to go to sleep for a long time OK. I was rather hoping to stay in the land of nod until that fuck ugly twat Brown had been kicked into touch but tempted out of my cave by large quantities of turkey and stuffing I see that him and his gurning pack of fucktrumpets are still in business screwing over the country.

Sooo what's been happening. Global warming revealed as bollocks, yes saw that, lots of people going to the land of Carlsberg and Bodil Joensen (all the good porn shops are behind the station on the Istegade guys, but I expect your researchers told you that) - bet none of you cycled there did you?

Nigerian trying to blow up a plane... well I suppose that if you're too thick to make money doing 419 scams international terrorism might seem to be a reasonable career option. Seems like he was as bad a terrorist and bomb maker as he probably was a scammer "Wetin dey broda, mugu like you have no level!"

And the chinkies have killed someone for drug smuggling. Excellent! In deference to the sensibilities of the bleeding hearts in the west they didn't rip out his organs first to sell to the highest bidder on Ebay and they are letting some raghead preacher chuck him in a hole but, and all credit to them, they did say "Our house, our rules, fuck you" when Batshit Milliband went all "we condemn this is the strongest possible terms." Now I hold no brief for China or it's leadership, in fact I think China's leadership sucks like a very sucky thing and the Chinese people have some very odd notions when it comes to medicine but having been there the notices at the airports are very large and very clearly say "If you smuggle drugs we will execute you" and quite frankly the fact that you're loony tunes cuts no ice with me or the Chinese justice system. I know people with bipolar disorder (back in the day we called it manic depression), in fact one of my best mates has it - sure he's not entirely well and he's a little bit scary to be around when he's in one of his manic phases but generally the drugs keep him on an reasonably even keel and he holds down a responsible job and an active personal life with no real issues. So maybe dead drug smuggler was "Non compliant with his medication" as Mrs Dracunculus would have put it when she was dealing with loonies for a living. Well if that's the case he should have been in a hospital or institution... ah we shut all those down didn't we, right.

So Batshit, before banging on to a very important trading partner who also happens to have one of the largest standing armies in the world not to mention something of an inferiority complex about how naughty they are for stringing this guy up (bet they made his family pay for the rope too... now that's a justice system I would like to see here!) maybe you should look and see just exactly what lead him to China and why wasn't he doped up and singing his rabbit song on a "special" ward somewhere.

Mind you given that the fact he wrote said rabbit song maybe the Chinese have done us all a favour in bumping him off. Go and listen... it's truly, er, unique.