When Christmas Decorations Attack

Just for the record I absolutely fucking hate Christmas (but then again I fucking hate everything) and I utterly, utterly loathe those people who festoon their house in sodding light bulbs sometime in November in what they think is a marvellous son et lumiere tribute to the Son Of Man but in reality is a LED shitstorm of cheap tackyness.

However over on The Paramedic's Diary I read a wonderful story of one chavtastic disfunctional family who probably won't be draining the National Grid with their blinking cack next year...

Then a 2am call came in for an 18 year-old who’d fallen thirteen floors after an argument with his mother... I could see the ambulance inside a small courtyard below a very tall block of flats. It was eerily quiet as I approached the figures standing around the crew... They were looking down at the body of a young man - he lay like a starfish, arms outstretched, on the concrete. Blood had gathered in a think dark pool under his head. His eyes were shut and he was very still.

So what had caused this tragedy?

The boy had argued with his mother about a trivial matter. He had a habit of climbing over the balcony of the flat and standing on a thin ledge on the other side, holding onto the balcony itself. From there he would threaten to jump. It was emotional nonsense and he never carried out his threat, so when he did it again tonight, nobody in the flat took him seriously.

His fatal mistake was to hold onto the Christmas lights that were wound round the balcony on the outside. He used the tubular light strip for support but it came away in his hands and he simply slipped down it, like he’d grabbed a greasy rope. I looked over the balcony and the light strip was waving about in the wind, flashing happily away. Far below it was the body of the boy who’d used it to threaten his loved ones.

Awesome! Truly world class fuckwittery! This guy surely is a shoo-in for The Darwin Awards. I do love it when twats like this do themselves in as it saves me having to breathe on the fuckers. I nearly pissed myself laughing.

The only downside to this is I feel sorry for the poor bastards who had to scrape him up off the pavement. If I were in charge Stuart and his colleagues would have been able to chuck him in the bins round the back of the flats.

Do go and read the whole thing - I defy you to keep a straight face.

And don't eat too many nuts. See you in the new year.

The Real Leonard Cohen

You know in all the media kerfuffle about what was, to be fair, not one of the miserable Canadian's best tunes but the one everyone knows because it was in Schrek when Dragon and Donkey rediscovered each other and some talentles twatess sung it in a talent contest you could have overlooked that said miserable Canadian actually was a pretty grumpy dragon in his day.

For me this is his finest hour. I really hope what is in those suitcases is very, very nasty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFBKV0zVXSE

The other Lapland sounded funnier.

By now you must have seen the story about the craptastic "Lapland Experience" down in the New Forest and probaly if you are like me you had a giggle at the mural, the log cabins that were just garden sheds painted green and what has to be the best quote ever on the BBC's website...

"One of the elves got smacked in the face and pushed in a pram."

I would gladly have stumped up the 25 quid just to see an elf get worked over. Pointy eared bastards.

Anyway it turns out that there is a "proper" Lapland theme park somewhere down in Kent that is at great pains to point out that their Tunnel Of Light is more than just a couple of fairy lights in a tree and so our pals at Pravda went over and did a road test.

Mind you I think for shits and giggles the one that got closed down sounds funnier, this one just sounds barf-inducing.

An information board at the entrance explains the "flight" will be one of the imagination, travelling down the magical pathways that elves have used to get around for centuries, and which have been specially opened up for the lucky children invited to come.

Be still my churning stomach.

We are greeted by people dressed in traditional Sammi costume, some with husky dogs, although others are in tackier Rudolph costumes.

Something for the furries then. However then they go and stand in the reindeer shit...

and the trip begins with a lecture on recycling from an "eco-elf".

Fucking hellski!

About the only thing they got right is their name

I am referring of course to "Plane Stupid", the Eco pressure group who decided to bolt themselved to Stanstead airport this morning. I did catch one of them whittering on about "our parents generation have failed us so we have to take direct action". Well you lived up to your name by firstly making fatuous wank statements like than and also in one fell stroke alienating tens of thousands of people who might have been sympathetic to your cause and now might just take a look deeper at the guff, quite frankly dodgy science and vested interests in Global Warming climate change. {hint: follow the money}

If it were me I'd have hopped into the left hand seat of a handy 737, taxied round to where they were, pointed the tail at them, popped the park brake on and then opened up those Pratt and Whitneys to about 60% of N1

How's that for Local Warming you cunt-trumpet hippy freaks.

First Dhimmi of Winter?

At last I've spotted my first "Christmas cancelled because of the muzzies" story over in the Torygraph here (Hat tip to Frank Chalk)

What's the form with these, do you write in to The Times like you do when you hear the first cookoo of spring?

Santa has a proposition for you

FROM THE DESK OF ST NICHOLAS

SANTA'S GROTTO
THE NORTH POLE

THIS E-MAIL MAY COME TO YOU AS A BIG SURPRISE BUT DO NOT BE ALARMED AS IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR FOR BIG SURPRISES. I FOUND YOUR CONTACT IN MY BOOK OF WHO HAS BEEN GOOD BOY AND GIRL THIS YEAR AND KNOW I CAN TRUST YOU. I AM WRITING TO YOU AS MATTER OF URGENT NECESSITY AND ASKING FOR YOUR HELP WITH A PROBLEM OF WORLD IMPORTANCE. AS YOU MAY BE AWARE THE SEASON OF YULETIDE JOY AND HAPPINESS WILL SOON BE UPON US, BUT THINGS ARE NOT WELL HERE IN THE NORTH POLE. DUE TO THE CURRENT WORLD CREDIT CRISIS WE HAVE HAD TO SELL OFF ALL OUR FAMOUS REINDEER FOR DOG FOOD TO MAKE END MEET. THIS IS UNFORTUNATE BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE TO SAVE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THEY FETCHED A VERY GOOD PRICE
AS EVERYONE HAVE HEARD THEIR NAME. WE DID FETCH $3,000,000 (THREE MILLION DOLLARS USD) EACH FOR DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER, VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER AND BLITZEN. AND WE DID GET NO LESS THAN $10,00,000 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS USD) FOR RUDOLF ON HIS OWN BECAUSE OF HIS SHINY RED NOSE. THIS BRING THE TOTAL SUM TO $34,000,000 (THIRTY FOUR MILLION DOLLARS USD).

AS I WAS TOO DISTRESS TO DO THIS THING MYSELF I SENT THE HEAD OF MY ELVES NAME OF ASKASLEIKIR TO MARKET TO DO THIS FINAL ACT FOR ME. HE DID IMMEDIATELY DEPOSIT THE MONEY IN NIGERIAN SECURITY COMPANY IN HIS FAMILY NAME AND IT REMAIN THERE IN SAFE KEEPING UNTIL THIS DAY. BUT WHEN HE TOOK OFF IN HIS SLAY TO COME BACK TO MY GROTTO IN THE NORTH POLE FROM WHERE HE PARKED IT ON TOP OF A HIGH BUILDING, HE DID FORGET HE NO LONGER HAD MY MAGIC REINDEER PULLING IT AND HE DID FALL OUT OF THE SKY AND DIE IN SUDDEN CRASH.

WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO IS TAKE THE PLACE OF ASKASLEIKIR'S LONG LOST BROTHER NAME OF BJUGNAKRAEKIR AND HELP ME RECOVER THE MONEY BY ACTING AS NEXT OF KIN. I WOULD DO THIS THING MYSELF BUT AS MY FACE IS KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH IT AND I NEED TO THINK OF MY GOOD REPUTATION. FOR HELPING ME GET BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE I AM WILLING TO SPLIT THE MONEY 30% FOR YOU AND 70% FOR ME. MY SHARE OF THE MONEY WILL BE USED TO ORDER TOYS FROM SHOPS AND HAVE THEM DELIVERED BY POST TO ALL THE GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS AROUND THE WORLD IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

LET ME ASSURE YOU THIS IS 100% RISK FREE AND WILL NOT PUT YOU IN ANY DANGER. ALL I ASK IS YOU KEEP THIS INFORMATION SECRET AND TO YOURSELF AS IT WOULD CAUSE WORLDWIDE PANIC WITH ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN IF NEWS OF THIS TRAGEDY WAS TO GET OUT.

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME URGENT SO YOU CAN BE INSTRUCTED HOW TO HELP ME WITH THIS WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY.

REMAIN BLESS.

SANTA. (Father Christmas)

I should give a shit because?

Ok so in Browns Bankrupt Britain lots of people are losing their jobs. A bunch of twathead traders and their bigger twathead bosses royally fucked up and the rest of us are paying for it, sometimes with our jobs and meanwhile in the interests of "fairmess" those of us still in gainful employment are being gouged even further to cough up to "help the needy".

Now despite dragons not being the most philanthropic creatures in the world even I am prepared to hand over a few coins from the hoard to help out those who, through no fault of their own, find themselves in dire straights and in need of a bit of help to keep them going and get them back on their feet again.

So why the fucking hell is the money I pay for this express purpose being spend on cunts like Elizabeth Malcolm, an utter waste of DNA that the beeb have decided to feature in their "Unemployment - not very nice is it" series being run on their website.

Elizabeth Malcolm, 43, has never had a job. She lives in a two-bedroom council flat in Glasgow with her three children, one grandchild, two cats and a hamster.

Now I am 43 and I've never (technically) not had a job from the moment I left university in '86, never claimed a penny in benefits from the state, have two cats and I did have a hamster until the Pet Shop Boys came round my house one day and it mysteriously disappeared. So why have I got a job and Liz hasn't?

But she concedes that she doesn't really know why she didn't get a job, and that there was an element of just "not getting round" to it.
...
Without any qualifications she assumed she wasn't able to follow her chosen path and join the Army. She never actually made it to the recruitment office to ask.

Hang on you went to school at the same time as me, as I remember it was free and you just had to turn up and avail yourself of the teachers and books provided, they even paid for you to take exams and stuff so what happened to you?

She ... used to bunk off a lot.

Fucking hellski! You just could not be bothered could you you cuntrumpet. We just made if far too fucking easy for you. Can't be bothered to go to school, can't be bothered to get a job or even go and ask about one. Just lie back in the arms of Mother State and pick up the fucking dole, fat, dumb and happy. Let me guess you'll get yourself up the fucking duff so you can claim the child benefit next...

By 17 she had met the father of her three children and by 22 had their first son William. ... Now a lone parent, she shares her bedroom with her son Jon, 13, daughter Danielle, 17, and Danielle's son Rhys, 11 months.

Yep. I even see you've taught your fucking slag daughter the quick route to the state's coffers too.

The family survive on a combination of Income Support and Child Tax Credits, claimed by both Elizabeth and Danielle. Both also receive the universal Child Benefit for one child each. It all amounts to about £270 a week between the five of them.

Survive? Survive? You do not fucking survive on a tax-free salary of over £1100 a fucking month, accommodation paid for, free this that and the fucking other because you are on "income support"; that's an annual take home salary of around £13,200 so a gross salary of, say, 18k. Sure not a fortune but I would posit that this is hardly "surviving".

She's having "panic attacks" though because even a government as fucked up and dependent on the votes of pond slime like Liz realise that they are utterly taking the piss..

"They said I'd be better off if I was out working because Jon's at an age now where the money I'm getting will stop soon. I'd need to sign on [for unemployment benefit] again and I don't want that because I think I'm too old to sign on."

Fafnir give me strength. Sure Liz you look about sixty odd in your picture but that will be the booze, fags and deep fried mars bars, you are not too fucking old to work at fourty sodding three otherwise I would not be heading to work and freezing my fucking tail off crammed into a cold train with hundreds of other people who seem to be here solely to fund your lifestyle choices.

Liz goes on to have a good old moan about her circumstances and it's all not her fucking fault boo hoo feel sorry for me. Go read it all if you really want to raise your blood pressure.

She does have a bit of insight mind...

Elizabeth is aware there are some who would criticise her life.

Liz you have no idea how much. You are what is wrong with this country, you are a parasite, a mouth breathing drain on the rest of us. The only way you could be of use would be if you voulunteered to be rendered down for cat food (you like your cats, they would appreciate that)

"I'm sorry they have to pay tax money to me. If I could get a job... give me a job then and I'll work, and then they won't have to pay me."

No you fucking cunt we will not "Give you a job". With scum like you it's always "give" isn't it. It's the only thing you know. Give me this, give me that, the world owes me a fucking living so give, give, give. Elizabeth Malcom, you have never for a nanosecond taken any responsibility for your life and you expect me to pay for your lack of giving a flying fuck.

But pay I will until one of our lying, corrupt politicos grasps the nettle of welfare dependancy and rips it out by the root.