Claudia Hat 'nen Video Spiele

17 years after its release Germany has "unbanned" the famous first person shooter game "Doom". The funniest thing reading about this was becoming re-acquainted with the German government ministry that originally did the banning, the fabulously named Bundesprüfstelle für jugendgefährdende Medien literally "Federal Department for Media Harmful to Young Persons"

Germany actually has this organisation that goes beyond rating media like games and films but can actually completely ban an item from sale or distribution if it is deemed "Harmful to Minors" which they define as:

Objects are considered harmful or dangerous to minors if they tend to endanger their process of developing a socially responsible and self-reliant personality.

What actually happened in practice was that items on the "index" were only available through certain outlets like sex shops.

I first came upon this "Won't somebody think of the chiiiiildren!" nightmare organisation some years ago through a German punk outfit "Die Ärtze" (The Doctors) who had one of their songs banned by the blue noses at the BPjM; it was a lovely little ditty about a girl called Claudia and her German Shepherd dog, went something like this...

Claudia hat nen Schäferhund
und den hat sie nicht ohne Grund,
Abends springt er in ihr Bett
und dann geht es rund!

Yes, it's rather rude but it really does beggar belief that some serious, educated people sat around in a room and went "Yes this song will encourage our young women to experiment with bestiality, better ban it."

So as a result of the ban Die Ärtze were forbidden to sing this song at their concerts. 

But as technically only the lyrics were banned what they used to do was play the song as an instrumental.  The audience used to sing it.

I can just imagine some Mary Whitehouse type watching thousands of teenagers singing..

Claudia mag keine Jungs
Und sie ist auch nicht lesbisch,
am allerliebsten mag sie es,
mit ihrem Hundchen untern Esstisch!

... at the tops of their voices as she slowly turned purple with impotent rage.

More pocket wolves

Loki


Freyja


Not sure what they call themselves but they certainly don't know their names. At least they are generally starting to crap on the newspaper now.

You are allow to go "awwww, cute!" for a few moments if you wish.

Pocket Wolves

I has them.



Sorry about the crappy picture but this was the best I could do with my phone at the time.

Please say hello to Loki and Freyja, little furry bundles of 11 week old Alaskan Malamute cuteness. Into everything, piddling on the floor and crapping something that appears to be a combination of toxic waste and velcro.

More pics to follow (of the dogs, not the crap)

Scribbles on the bog door

On my travels back from the land of sheepshagging and close harmony singing recently (I think the two are related) I stopped off at a motorway service station to the south of Birmingham in order to top up the caffiene levels and take a dump. I don't know if you recall this but going to the lav in a service station 20 or so years ago was a journey into some Stygian abyss where you were met at the door to the bogs by a ferryman who would carry you in his coracle across the River Styx of urine that spread from a blocked loo across the floor.

Not so these loos which were, generally speaking, clean and reasonably pleasant, the hand driers worked and my cubicle was secured by a proper lock with a handle rather than a 2 inch screw hammered into what remained of the locking mechanism.

Now back in those dark and distinctly malodourous days the back of public bog doors seemed to be used as a general bulletin board. I am surmising that back in the days before the Intertubes came along people used to nip to the netty in order to post a message on topics of the day, mainly the status of their favourite football team or lack of form of a rival, politics - usually concentrating on the subject of The Troubles (such as "Fuck the Queen and the UDA", to which the considered political response was usually "Fuck off you Feinian bogtrotting cunt") and of course what everyone else uses the intertubes for, sex.

Specifically soliciting sexual encounters, normally between members of the male gender as, I assumed, that women of the heterosexual persuasion didn't tend to frequent the male loos, not even when there was a queue (and there would be) for the ladies.* I was never entirely sure what to make of these: I mean it seems a pretty odd way to advertise and I often wondered if they were all practical jokes truckers used to play on their mates - you know so Steve who had just got back from hauling a shitload of steel from Newcastle to Bristol was just bedding down for the night and gets a call asking to meet up at Forton services tomorrow evening for "Hot botty action".

Anyway back to 2008 and the interweb has triumphed; there isn't a scribble, no crude drawings of willies, no political slanging matches, no invites for participants in anal intercourse when, tucked up a corner, I spot this...



Not the best picture in the world but I didn't exactly want to turn the flash on did I! It was actually scratched into the veneer of the door and reads "Sicko wants to be bitch for large dogs"

Now I'm leaning towards "prank" for this one given the use of the word "sicko" but, even though there must be dozens of websites and forums for people whose interests encompass "being a bitch for large dogs" it is nice to see that even in this wired age there is still a place for the scribbes on the bog door.



* incidentally the one time I saw a queue for the mens bog and not the ladies was at the geekfest that is Microsoft TechEd.

Could not have put it better myself

Well actually I probably could. This gem is from a comment in the Daily Hate on an article on the continuing internal squabbles of the Anglican church as it tears itself about over the amazing power of bottysex.

hi what would god think if someone wanted to marry there pet dog who they loved very much would the church change its views and except them

- richard shepherd, moonta south australia, 7/8/2008 7:53

Actually I think he's probably a bit too bright and articulate to be a Christian.

Incidentally I used to know one vicar who, whilst probably not up for conducting a marriage ceremony for you and Fido would be quite happy to give you a blessing.

Goede Morgens Jonge

It means "Good morning lads" is Dutch. I'm getting a quick brush up on my far from l33t Dutch language skills at the moment as I nipped into an internet caff in Amsterdam to check the mail and everything is coming up in nederlands. They have just served me some very tasty chcolate brownies too and they are making me feel all light headed¹

The reason I'm in the 'Dam is I called my friend up this morning. "Best not come up until the vet has been," he said, "Maybe best to remember doglet like he was." Probably best, he was such a nice and full of life woof it would be upsetting to see him now, better to remember him how he was. He's had a stroke apparently and probably wouldn't know who I was anyway.

Fuck - there have to be a billion and one shitbags on this miserable rock who should be dead before doglet. Why can't Tony Blair be breathing his last right now.

Ah well, at least I got to spend a couple of hours wandering round Amsterdam. I haven't been here for a while, last time would have been TechEd in 2004 and I spent most of that at the RAI and only made the occasional foray into the city centre and then spent most of the time in various alcohol retailing emporia. I letf the car up at the airport where they have named all the car park areas after typically Dutch things like "Farmers Wife", "Windmill" and "Tulip" so you can remember where you're parked. I think I left mine in "Spliff" but it might have been "Brothel", it was next door to "Horseporn" I remember that much.

Speaking of such things Amsterdam round the centre seems to be precious little else these days. It was always a bit like this round the Damrak but it does seem to have increased. And blimey, you should see what the sex shops are putting in the windows these days, back when I was a student and we came here for the recreational herbs the window displays were a bit tame, these days the animal porn is in the window in a fetching display; dunno, maybe they had a sale on or something, buy two horse shagging DVDs and get a free dog one.

Christ alone knows what they keep under the counter these days.

Midget porn probably.





¹ To any law enforcement personnel or company snoops reading this, this is a joke. However I recon if I do stay here much past my half hour's alloted net time I'll be high as a kite from the secondary smoke. Coffee is good though.

Here's Ken Clarke telling us ner, ner, told you so about how his "Dangerous Dogs Act" was "watered down" and "needs strengthening".

Bloody hell Ken, you were a prize wanker when you were in government and you haven't changed a bit. I don't suppose in the rarified circles he flounders about in that he's realised that when someone refers to a knee-jerk, ill thought out, tabloid-led piece of legislation they'll often call it "another dangerous dogs act". Look you stupid dog-hating cunt ANY dog can be dangerous - the most vicious dog I knew was a liitle short-haired terrier. Are you going to advocate banning every single breed of dog that takes a nip at someone, enforced neutering of all dogs, criminalising every citizen who has so much as bought a tin of Chum?

What an I saying... of course you bloody are. After all we're just the public, we can't possibly be trusted with something like a dog, we might hurt someone with it.

Here's what you do. Scrap this stupid law right now, everyone can own any sort of dog they want and hey, why stop at dogs, let people own bloody huge lions and tigers if they want. But what you do is make sure eveyone takes a test to show that know how to control their animals and keep them safe and have the wherewithal to do so properly - no pass, no pet. And if Snugglywoofles the pitbull-rottie cross chomps through the head of some cute tot¹ you get fined to Christmas and back.

Sensible but that means actually trusting the citizens you govern, and that would never do for a washed-up old tory hasbeen like Ken.

¹ Not that the sprog in this case fit this critera, judging by the picture that pitbull did the gene pool a favour.