Rule 34

I've noticed a bit of an upswing in visitors recently. A quick look at the referrers gave the reason why and it's all down to that animated film that's out at the moment called "How to Train Your Dragon".¹

So why is this driving traffic here? Easy, people are searching for "How to Train your Dragon Porn" on Google.

So is there HTTYD porn out there? Stupid question, this is Teh Interwebs and we have Rule 34 which states "There is porn of it, no exceptions".

Here you go... NSFW and Not Safe After Lunch: Toothless being trained to do something very naughty indeed

Dunno, he is kinda cute... I might.





¹ No I haven't seen it yet. The thought of sitting in a cinema with loads of screaming kids makes me feel physically unwell, I'll wait until one of my colleagues at work gets a good rip of it.

You want me to put that where?

If you have a look down the left of the blog you'll come across a link to "Sitemeter" - a little gizmo which not only recalls the pitiful level of visitors to this blog but also tells me where people come from and if they come from Google what search criteria they used.

Normally the searches people use to end up here are, for reasons best known to the folks down in the Googleplex, variants on "dragon porn" sometimes with a "scaly" "hideously vile and fappable" thrown in. It's probably because I talk about dragons and porn a lot, though not usually together.

Anyway one search was for "Bad Dragon" - interesting I thought, who would be searching for that?

Apparently someone looking for this site (VERY VERY NSFW!! For the Love of Fafnir don't click on that if you're in any kind of public space!)

And what do Bad Dragon make? Well they make these:



That's called "The Ridgeback"... guessed what it is yet?

No, we'll its modelled on this, specifically the bits of this that I pixellated out (uncensored version on their site)...



Yes, it's a dragon dildo.

It comes in three sizes: small, medium and large and "large" is 12 inches long and 9.5 inches in circumference.

Normally something with those dimensions has a stamp on it somewhere that says "This side towards enemy" and is shoulder launched.

Go to the site, go on you know you want to! They do sea dragons and griffins as well.

You know what. If I get any kind of bonus this year I am going to buy the Ridgeback in Large and Vivid Red and stick it on top of the computer* and when anyone comes round the lair and asks I'll say "That what I blew the bonus on that I got from the bank the taxpayer owns. Yes every single taxpayer in the country contributed towards my twelve inch long fake plastic dragon cock."




* You didn't think I was actually going to use it did you? Oh, you did. Right.

Shambo. One Tasty Moo

Harry Ramsden, Harry Ramsden, Ramsden Ramsden, Harry Harry.

You've met Shambo the bull...


Now meet Shambo the evening meal for two...


I ate him with fava beans and a nice chianti.

I'm really pleased that he's dead. Not that I wished Shambo any ill will, I'm sure he was a very nice bull as far as bulls go. No why I'm pleased is that all the folks being white wannabe Hindus up a hill in Wales were going for the "We want an exception on religious grounds. You must respect our religion. If you come and take him away you'll be interrupting a religious act of worship. Waaaah! We're SPECIAL".

Nope, you're not special because you believe some chap sat in a cloud said a bunch of stuff that you have to follow. Here's the law, bit of a stupid one based on what I know about TB but the law nonetheless and you cannot, must not, be exempt from it just because you believe in a bunch of fairy stories. If the secular world had backed down here then it would have opened the floodgates to every nutjob with a holy book to do whatever the hell they wanted. It starts with allowing diseased animals to live and goes through muslim "leaders" insisting we have to allow Sharia law in their communities and you must not interrupt them stoning some poor fucker to death as it's "our religion which must be respected".

I could have fixed the problem a while back though; quick phone call to one of my red , fire breathing Welsh cousins and there would have been a flapping of wings, a short roar, a very short surprised "moo!" and lots of lovely roast beef.

There's lovely.

Arise, Honorary Dragon.

I wish it to be known that, by the powers vested in my green scaly tail, that Sir Salman Rushdie has today been granted the status of Honorary Dragon.

Sir Salman (do you run that name together, like Siralan?) in recognition of his dragony status, is granted the right to set fire to dipshits who richly deserve it and may I suggest that he join me in the immolation of Pakistan's religious affairs minister, Ejaz ul-Haq.

You see by me making Sirsalman a dragon I have inflamed muslim sensibilities and it would seem that the only response a muslim has to getting upset is to blow random motherfuckers up. Can't possibly be the bomber that's responsible, no; it was that nasty dhimmi dragon that provoked him by giving that man who said nasty things about the paedophile prophet¹ a pretty plaque to hang on his wall.

Well Mr Ul-Haq you're just going to have to get used to being upset because here's one little dragon who is just going to keep oining you and your tawdry, violent religion ("religion of peace" my arse). Maybe after we've granted gongs, knighthoods and the Sacred and Noble Order of the Wombat to every fucking apostate of Islam we can find you'll have all got yourselves worked up into such a tizzy that you'll forget what colour live and neutral are and blow yourselves up with the bomb you're making.

Weren't we looking for a new day for a bank holiday just recently? What was Crusader Richard the Lionheart's birthday?


¹ One of his wives, Aisha I believe, was 11 when married and 13 when Mo first did the deed. Where I come from a man who has sex with a 13 year old is called a paedophile. Case closed.


UPDATE: Apparently he's the son of the late General Zia Ul-Haq, former military dictator of Pakistan. Now (this is true) my uncle, Derek Draco, met General Zia several times in his capacity as an arms dealer (albeit one sponsored by the UK government) and so may well have met the young Ejaz.

Should have set fire to the little fucker whilst he had the chance.

Show me a motion

Dwaggin got a new lappy! Yay me!

It's a "business tool", yes definitely a business tool, look it says "IBM" on it and it has a special attachment that makes sure you're wearing a white shirt and dark blue tie before it will let you log on.... Well that's what I told my accountant.

She's called Tiamat-II and as she comes from Singapore I have picked a suitable wallpaper.



Given the rain we've had recently the watery theme fits as well - I'm currently on the train into work and it looks like we're going through a car-wash.

But you know the very best thing about it? It's not the thingie I can put my claw on to log on, the little blue button that does everything or actually getting seperate "home" and "page up" keys like my last lappy didn't have. It's the window on the hard drive shock sensor monitor which lets you watch your computer wobble about in real-time as I shudder up and down the line from London to Cambridge.

I could watch it dance about for hours.

Film review - Eragon

Finally got the chance to watch Eragon over the new year weekend - at home of course, there is no way I was about to spend any of a bank holiday weekend in a cinema full of snotty children (who should all be fed to pit bull terriers anyway - I recon they should have given the dog a medal).

Anyway, Eragon. Or "Star Wars with Dragons" as they might have called it. To be honest there were so many plot and idea ripoffs that I'm surprised there isn't a queue of lawyers outside every picture house in the land. Dragons die when their riders do... paging Mrs McCaffrey, to say the word/true name is to control the thing (Le Guin's "Earthsea", Edding's "Belgariad"). The princess is in trouble... OK so Jeremy Irons didn't quite say "If you go now, help them you could, but you will betry all that they have fought and suffered for" but he might as well have done - I was surprised Eragon didn't ask Safira to "fire up the converters" - and oh look he's just done an Obi-Wan death scene. We even had a "I'm stuck on this rock at my uncle's farm looking into the sunset" moment earlier. Sure I know that this sort of plot is the monomyth of the hero but at least try to be a bit original. If it turns out that the nasty evil king is Eragon's dad then I'm sorry I will have to breathe on someone.

And my, isn't it convenient that dragons grow up so quickly - dead handy plot device that was. And speaking of dragons isn't Safira a bit too, well, "fluffy" for a dragon? (Checks scales, claws, teeth, horns) Yep, far too fluffy, and were those feathers on the end of your wings? And if you keep doing those 5000 feet per minute vertical takeoffs from standing you're going to give young Eragon spinal compression.

Still, it was a bit of fun for 90 minutes, the CGI battle sequences were good and all the serious actors playing the baddies were deliciously over the top and even Jeremy redeemed himself in the Obi-Wan/Yoda role after his pitiful outing in the truly naff "Dungeons and Dragons" movie.

Turn your brain off, play spot the borrowed plot and go and see Eragon... available from all good bittorrent sites now.

Firey Dragon Rating - toasty: