There but for the grace of the angels go I.

So if you have a RBS, NatWest or Ulster Bank account you probably don't need telling that something went very, very badly titsup last week. Stories of people being stuck in jail as their bail could not be paid, people temporarily homeless as solicitors couldn't hand over keys on house transactions and so on and so forth.

It appears the cause was a screw up in operating the software which schedules the processing of the various software programs that makes up the bank's "books" as it were. When I first started in IT I was a junior programmer writing those kinds of programs on a Burroughs mainframe for what was then The Midland Bank. The overnight suite must have been over 150 discrete programs all of which had dependencies on others and the RBS suite is almost certainly no different and probably much more complex and relies on a lump of code called "CA7" to ensure everything runs when it should. Now it seems some change was made within CA7 that didn't work and needed to be "backed out"; this sort of thing happens all the time in software releases and before releasing any change to a production environment you always, without fail, have a backout plan. Regrettably for RBS a junior numpty, hired on the cheap and operating out of Hyderabad  (RBS having saved money by sacking all the UK based very experienced staff) rather than removing the change removed everything, completely wiping the schedule database.

Oops.

This fiasco will probably end up costing RBS, in other words me and you the taxpayers, upwards of 500 million quid when everything is taken into account. How's that cost saving working out for you RBS?

I do feel sorry for the junior numpty though; that must have been the longest stomach-churning "Oh fuck. What have I just done" moment in history. And I defy anyone in IT to say they've never had one.

Mine was back in those junior coder days, wrangling COBOL on the overnight batch systems. Late on friday there was some urgent patch needed to a part of code that handled automated cheque book issuing (back when people used cheques our code worked out when you were running low and ordered a new book to be printed and sent). I made the change but didn't really have time to test it but it was a two line change and I told my supervisor this.

"Are you sure it's OK? You sure you put that full stop in the right place?" she said whilst putting her coat on. Clearly she didn't intend to check it.

"Yes, definitely" said a supremely confident dragon and uploaded the code and clocked off.

I woke on Saturday morning with the gnawing feeling something was wrong. I could see the code in my head. I could see that full stop. It was in the WRONG FUCKING PLACE!

I'd terminated an "If... Then... Else" structure too early.

I have ordered every single Midland Bank current account customer a new sodding cheque book at a cost to the bank of tens of thousands of pounds.

After regaining control of my stomach I started to contemplate what my new career would be because it certainly wasn't going to be computer programming. Maybe herding yak in Tibet would be more my line.

Monday came and I went in to face the music. All the team looked at me as I walked in. I waited for the hammer to fall.

It never did. In inadvertently screwing up that if/else structure I'd caused some other part of the subroutine to fail and so no books got ordered at all. The code could be patched (and I did the patch) so the missing sends would get picked up on the next run. I'd dodged a bullet and, 25 years later, I'm still wrangling code and not yak.

Don't think that chap in Hyderabad is going to get that chance.

How to win at business (or not)

From: Dracunculus Draco
To: Landscape Gardener X

Hello Landscape Gardener X

Thank you for your visit this morning.

On reflection and with discussion with my partner we are writing to ask  you not to quote on the garden work we require. It did seem to us that you did not really understand what we wanted from our garden, in fact you rather seemed to wish to impose a solution that would be the simplest for you to implement (or were competent enought  to implement), rather than what we actually wanted; in particular despite telling you that we did not want a patio you could park a 747 on numerous times this was the "solution" you repeatedly returned to.

I understand you will be disappointed at not securing this contract but as a businessman may I possibly offer you some advice when dealing with prospective clients, based on our interactions this morning:

1) Arriving 45 minutes late for an agreed appointment without any apology or explanation does not a good impression make.

2) Generally speaking demanding a coffee from your prospective client's wife with the words "I guess you're in charge of the kettle" does not endear you to said clients wife. Normal procedure is to at least introduce yourself and ask the name of your client's wife (not 30 minutes later when asking me sotto voce "What's her name?")

3) Sparking up a cigarette without asking first on a prospective's client's property is really quite unprofessional. Both Mrs Dragon and myself have breathing problems and therefore issues with cigarette smoke; causing a severe asthmatic reaction in your clients is rarely the basis of a long and successful business partnership.

I trust you will find this email helpful


Dracunculus.

And yes, an email very similar to this one was sent to the individual in question.