You're not welcome

Oi you.

Yes, you. The Hitlerjugend member in the dress.



Fuck off, you're not welcome.

You are the leader of a foreign state (a little pissant one in the middle of Italy guarded by people in stripey baggy pants carrying tactical nuclear halberds but a sovereign foreign power nonetheless). So we invite you to come by for a state visit. And then you have the fucking brass neck to tell your Sturmabteilung

The Pope has urged Catholic bishops in England and Wales to fight the UK's Equality Bill with "missionary zeal".

"...the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs."

"In some respects it actually violates the natural law upon which the equality of all human beings is grounded and by which it is guaranteed."

Well boo fucking hoo. So just because you believe in some sky pixie you get to discriminate and persecute and you should be exempt from the law of the land? Well how about if I believe that to achieve communion with The Invisible Pink Unicorn (PBUH) it is necessary for me to get rogered senseless by a shire horse stallion outside Ely cathedral on market day would it be fine for me to have an exception from the law too?

This line from one of his generals was a hoot

(Robert Mickens, Rome correspondent at the Catholic newspaper The Tablet) said "It's not that the Pope is wading so much into the particulars of British society or British law - I think this is very much a piece of his longstanding teaching."

Oh so that makes it OK then? Given these religious types get to sit in the house of lords and there are a number of Catholic MPs who are obliged to give Obergruppenfuhrer Ratzinger their loyalty I would have thought that rather than "longstanding teaching" he was giving them a direct order (vitch vill be obeyed at all times vizout question!)

The National Secular Society said it would mount a protest campaign made up of gay groups, victims of clerical abuse, feminists, family planning organisations and pro-abortion groups among others.

And there will be a small green dragon along as well.

Classy

Rather surprisingly it turns out that Moorhouses can brew something that doesn't initially taste like engine oil that's been filtered through a camel's anus and the pub had a "custom" beer on for my brother in law's birthday do (well it had his name on it but I imagine it is one of their standards). It did rather take on a "chewy" texture though about two thirds of the way down the glass as it started to warm up.

They had Timothy Taylor's Landlord on but TTL is a fussy beer that doesn't travel well and needs looking after; this beer had not been well looked after.

So as I had to drive the following day I went onto Heineken, a beer it is impossible to actually drink enough of to get drunk.

Apart from that I didn't know anyone so stood around looking like a spare part for most of the evening until a respectable length of time had passed and I could make the excuse of a full work week and a long drive up to bugger off and get some kip.

Mind you it was a really classy joint as you can see from the flyer they were handing out advertising their Valentine's day special.



Ah how romantic, a candlelit dinner for two plus someone howling their rendition of "I Will Survive" exactly one semitone flat in your ears. Yep that'll get her knickers off for sure.

All this and the following day I get to visit Ikea under orders from Mrs Dracunculus to pick up some bits and pieces. I have this love / hate relationship with Ikea. On one claw I rather like their furniture and design and the prices are very competitive, on the other claw the whole Ikea shopping experience makes me want to set fire to "Ektingbøg" sofas and "Hürdiburgle" lamp stands. Sunday was no exception with nowhere to fucking park, the obligatory shuffle round the maze before actually getting to the bit where they keep the plates and spoons in the company of every screaming, misbehaving child east of the Pennines plus queueing up for half an hour to pay for everything.

If you were travelling past Junction 27 of the M62 yesterday and noticed a small green dragon eating Swedish meatballs on top a flaming pile of affordable wardrobes, colourful throws and screaming children, that was me.

This is going to be a long night

I've just been down to the pub where my brother in law is having his party with my sister to help stick a few balloons up.

The good news: They have some reasonable looking real ales on including a Copper Dragon (yay!) and Timmy Taylors' Landlord (oooer, that could be dangerous)

The bad news: On the way out one of the "guests" who said he would be "along later" left the pub at the same time. "It's a full moon, a fool moon" he said through a face that had been repeatedly beaten with the ugly stick.

"Are we expecting werewolves then" I said

"Oh don't worry about him" I was told, "He thinks he's James Bond. 007. Licensed to Shag"

This is going to be a very long night

You want me to put that where?

If you have a look down the left of the blog you'll come across a link to "Sitemeter" - a little gizmo which not only recalls the pitiful level of visitors to this blog but also tells me where people come from and if they come from Google what search criteria they used.

Normally the searches people use to end up here are, for reasons best known to the folks down in the Googleplex, variants on "dragon porn" sometimes with a "scaly" "hideously vile and fappable" thrown in. It's probably because I talk about dragons and porn a lot, though not usually together.

Anyway one search was for "Bad Dragon" - interesting I thought, who would be searching for that?

Apparently someone looking for this site (VERY VERY NSFW!! For the Love of Fafnir don't click on that if you're in any kind of public space!)

And what do Bad Dragon make? Well they make these:



That's called "The Ridgeback"... guessed what it is yet?

No, we'll its modelled on this, specifically the bits of this that I pixellated out (uncensored version on their site)...



Yes, it's a dragon dildo.

It comes in three sizes: small, medium and large and "large" is 12 inches long and 9.5 inches in circumference.

Normally something with those dimensions has a stamp on it somewhere that says "This side towards enemy" and is shoulder launched.

Go to the site, go on you know you want to! They do sea dragons and griffins as well.

You know what. If I get any kind of bonus this year I am going to buy the Ridgeback in Large and Vivid Red and stick it on top of the computer* and when anyone comes round the lair and asks I'll say "That what I blew the bonus on that I got from the bank the taxpayer owns. Yes every single taxpayer in the country contributed towards my twelve inch long fake plastic dragon cock."




* You didn't think I was actually going to use it did you? Oh, you did. Right.

Bit of admin

Made a few changes to the stuff over on the left, new blogroll and so forth and regrettably pruned a couple of dead blogs off the list including "Whiny God Botherer" who it seems has been in a reality-vs-catholic-dogma collision and has stopped blogging altogether.

If you read this blog and have one of your own and fancy a link just let me know.

Ecological travel fail

OK so next weekend I have a birthday party to go to in the wild and forbidding land of Lancashire, my brother in law's 65th as it happens which is in a pub somewhere so I get to stand around with a whole load of people I don't know trying to get bladdered on some godawful nitrokeg crap.

I thought that rather than driving up on Saturday morning I could maybe take the train from London after work and then back to my place behind the water-pipes in Norfolk sometime on Sunday. Turns out I can so long as I fancy six hours on a train and changing at Hebden Bridge, Leeds, Peterborough, Ely and frigging Narnia Parkway on the way home but for the privilege of this they want to charge me over 160 quid. And that's second class. And gods help you if you miss one of those connections because you'll be well and truly screwed.

According to google maps it's 199 miles door to door and takes three and a half hours. So even if I take the 2 litre 210 BHP Saab I'm looking at 60 quid in fuel - everything else is sunk cost as I've paid the tax, insurance, maintenance etc. by just having the car.

So 100 quid cheaper than the train, I go and come back when I want, it's quicker, is door to door and I don't have to take a chance on sitting next to some pissed-up Glaswegian on the journey up.

Bit of a no brainer don't you think. Sorry planet, you're fucked.

The latest crop of whining gits...

... camped out outside the office and sticking it to the man



Christ alone knows what they were campaigning against, the pitiful placards said something about "Real Jobs" and I am assuming PCS is some union or other, probably for people with nice cushy public sector jobs and wanting all bankers strung up by their goolies whilst simultaneously failing to realise that if we disappear so does all that taxpayers money... ah, you're probably net consumers of tax money anyway so like you fucking care.

But don't worry guys, we're doing a bang up job ourselves of screwing up Banko di Haggis. We are actually hiring, we have budget to do so (wow!) and my team lined up a guy to do some front-end stuff...

... only to be told we can't hire him as we haven't filled out quota of hiring people in India yet and when we have filled our Indian quota then we can hire people in the UK.

We're owned by Gordon Brown remember? Remember "British Jobs For British Workers" Gordon?

Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo-stick.


(PS: drop me a comment if you can write C# and fancy working alongside a fire breathing lizard with an attitude problem in an organisation that's a national pariah for destroying Curly Wurlys)

Consult the book of armaments

Armaments, chapter 2, verses 9 to 21




Well not quite, but it seems that some company who makes rifle telescopic sights has been putting coded bible verses on their hardware:

One of the citations on the gun sights, 2COR4:6, is an apparent reference to Second Corinthians 4:6 of the New Testament, which reads:

For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Firstly if I saw 2COR4:6 on a bit of military kit I'd just assume it was part of a batch number or something but I'm really curious as to what the hell that quote has to do with the item in question - unless it has some clever way of illuminating the target.

The usual suspects have been banging on about how this gives ammunition to the Taliban, Al Kibble and all the other swivel-eyed rugbutters who say that this is a "crusader army" against muslims. Well yes, that's because that's exactly what this is so we might as well dip the bullets in pig fat before firing them (hey it worked before!).

Also on the American based forums where this got a mention the general consensus is that Trijicon sights are actually really rather good (Blackpowder - can you confirm?) - maybe Jeebus wasn't averse to a little duck shooting on his days off, I guess being able to walk on water comes in handy when you're wildfowling.

Shouln't have sold it then, should you.

Aw diddums, the Cadbury family are all upset that some yank multinational purveyor of crappy nom has taken over their old family firm.

The Cadbury family today launched an attack on “asset strippers” Kraft after the US maker of Dairylea cheese sealed a £12billion hostile takeover.

Felicity Loudon, great granddaughter of George Cadbury, said: “For us to sell out to a company that doesn't bear any resemblance to us at all is a horror story. Kraft won't understand the history and quality of the company.

“Kraft will have to asset strip to afford this. They will cut corners, they will sell out. To me they are a plastic cheese company and this is the jewel in the crown.”

Well you, my dearest Felicity, did not sell out to Krapt, these people did.

Roger Carr
Chairman

Todd Stitzer
Chief Executive Officer

Andrew Bonfield
Chief Financial Officer

Dr. Wolfgang Berndt
Independent Non-executive Director

Guy Elliott
Senior Independent Non-executive Director

Lord Patten
Independent Non-executive Director

Raymond Viault
Independent Non-executive Director

Baroness Hogg
Independent Non-executive Director

Colin Day
Independent Non-executive Director

... collectively know as the board of directors of Cadbury PLC. Not a single Cadbury among them because, my dear Felicity, at some point in the company's past your ancestors took the company public, trousered a fat load of cash and from that moment it wasn't "your" company any more.

Not that I care anyway as I never eat the vegolate that they produce anyway, unless it's 70% cocoa solids and/or comes from Belgium it doesn't get past the fangs. The only good thing I can think of is the Caramel Bunny who was, to be fair, seriously hot.

But just when it can't get any worse guess which eeeeevil nasty bank helped fund the deal...

Royal Bank of Scotland risked public outrage today over its role in funding Kraft's GBP11.9 billion bid for Cadbury.

Yay! Go Banko Di Haggis! Cue the fathead politicians...

Vince Cable, the Lib-Dem Treasury spokesman, branded involvement by the bank “a scandal” and said: “This is not what a nationalised bank should be doing.”

Labour MP Khalid Mahmood, whose Birmingham Perry Barr constituency includes a lot of Cadbury employees, complained to the Chancellor, arguing that RBS should be supporting British business.

Vince, B di H isn't nationalised, we just happen to have UK PLC as a majority shareholder and Mahmood, get down from your minaret and attend to me: The duty of RBS is to it's shareholders, that would be me and the rest of the 50 million fuckers you extort tax from, to pay back our money and they do that by being profitable and funding this little escapade is probably going to go some way to helping that along.

It's not as though Cads were exactly looking after the poor downtrodden British worker as they have in the past closed plants in York, Blackpool and made severe cutbacks in their Bristol operation (can't find the reference but it was on the Beeb's site).

Now, where did I leave that bar of Green and Blacks.

Twatter

Now you lucky people can keep up with Grumpy on the move. Simply click on the "twatter" icon to the left to get little micro-grumps and random motherfucker torchings as they happen.

You lucky people.