Saint Delia

"Oh Delia Smith's new cooking program starts tonight" says Mrs Dracunculus, something about how to cheat at cooking, should be good.

Well both me and Mrs D are not averse to rattling a couple of pots and pans when there are no evicerated knights around to nibble on so we decided to give "Delia does Nigella Express" a go.

Fucking hell! "Does a Nigella Express" is a cunting understatement. The first thing St Delia does is wander into shot and say something like "Five years ago I stopped doing cooking programmes because I had taught you proles everything but life has changed and we don't have time any more blah blah blah" when what she meant to say was "That bitch Lawson is stealing my thunder as the greatest cook since Escoffier and I want REVENGE" which she did by stealing the "express" format right down to the sodding St Germain "Tourist" soundtrack. In total she knocked together a total of six dishes, one of which was basically "Get a jar of fish soup and shove some extra fish in it" and another was "Buy some pesto sauce and stir it into some pasta, look you don't need to make your own pesto!" Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, this just in Delia, no fucker makes their own pesto, we've been buying it in tubs from M&S for fucking years. In total a little less than half of a cookery programme was actually made up with Delia wielding a spoon and actually cooking.

But if her recipe for spag bol made with meat out of a tin (a recipe incidentally that was a student staple for years before I could afford fresh meat) didn't make you heave then the rest would. We get to meet D's dippy old mum bimbling around the kitchen and the fossil she's married to tasting her soup but fully 25% of the programme is taken up with St Delia doing a commercial for the fucking catholic church, doing the bells and smells bit at daily mass at Stowmarket (Mrs Drac, who in a professional capacity once went there said the attendence was "unusually high" and St Delia certainly was not there when she was) and then going round an art gallery with everyone's favourite bonkers nun Sister Wendy who had to come up with the all time "What the Fuck" line when she said of some Coptic art "I love the way the eyes are open so wide, it's because they are looking at God". No you stupid fuck, it was because we as a species hadn't learnt to draw properly when they did those.

So there you have it, a 7 or 8 minute commercial for an organisation that covers up for paedophiles, all paid by from my compulsory television tax.

Now you think I loathe the catholic church... Mrs Drac was dragged up in that "faith" and really loathes it. To the extent that once the program was over she dissapeared into the kitchen for a couple of minutes and I heard a big "thump" noise.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Me throwing both volumes of "Delia's How To Cook" in the recycling bin" she answered.