They call her Slapper, Slapper, Faster than Ligtning

Sorry everyone. I've been away having fun making the lives of sundry West African gentlemen something of a nightmare, plus doing the Christians a favour (first time for everything) by turning the life of a fake "Evengelist" in India who preys on gullable Xtians (there is another kind?) for charitable donations into ass casserole - that one is still going on, he's off on what scambaiters call a "safari" next week the 1200 miles to Delhi thinking he's going to get a $20,000 compensation cheque.

Anyway that's what I've been doing instead of commenting on the latest inanity by the McCann circus and having a right old laugh at the Shannon Matthews saga. But I miss spilling my vitriol about around here so I'm back to set fire to things, always assuming I get paid as the employer of this little green dragon appears to be skint. Maybe Sir Fred will be at the front door this morning rattling a tin, "Buddy can you spare a twenty billion quid in liquidity funding?"

Typical though. Nothing really happening in the news to get wound up about. Dead MP - that's a good thing, Mugabe - yawn. Only really interesting thing is this... two pissheads go dolphin fondling and get fined. OK so how does this work? I've been swimming with a dolphin, that one in Dingle bay in Ireland called Fungus or something and let me tell you a dolphin in the sea has absolutely fuck all to fear from a couple of humans in the same element, even if said humans are a pair of pissed up morlocks from Folkestone. When you get up close and personal dolphins are bloody huge and exceptionally manoeuverable and you know that if Flipper didn't want you there it could fuck you up a treat in seconds and there would be bugger all you could do about it. All what is all this arse about "Oh it was distressed because it swam towards them" about? In my experience with animals if they are distressed or upset they move away from you.

Mind you, read between the lines of the report...

Pipe fitter Jukes, from Castle Hill Avenue, Folkestone said he had stroked its belly.

...

Mr Offord said there had been a number of discrepancies between what Buck and Jukes had told police when they were questioned initially and their evidence in court.

...

Wasn't there a guy up in Northumberland a while back who was up in court for trying to start a mermaid breeding programme with a friendly dolphin? I think these guys were having a go at that.

Dolphins... they're all asing for it you know.