Drop that pencil!

Ok so I was given to understand that photos and videos of child abuse were illegal because, well, quite simply chidren are abused to make them and even a libertarian dragon such as I realised that a person's freedom has to be restricted when it impinges severely on the freedom of another, and the freedom not to be killed or raped comes pretty high up that list. So, no problem banning kiddy porn videos from me.

Now what if someone takes an application like Bryce or RenderMan, creates a wire-frame model, renders it and it just happens to look like a small girl in a swimming pool of lard getting it on with a lizard-creature from the planet Zod? Ok so that someone has not so much got a few nuts and bolts loose but rather is missing Screwfix's entire fixings inventory but, get this, NO ONE HAS BEEN HURT. There is no victim, just a bunch of pixels pushed into place by software, therefore there can be no crime, no matter how personally appalled you might be by what the person behind the computer just did.

Well if the rabid control freaks in Za-NuLabour get their way, and they will, it will be a crime. Indeed it would seem that at least one police force during the recent "Extreme Porn" debacle wanted not only sexually suggestive drawings of children banned but also writing.

So everyone of you who has a copy of Nabokov's "Lolita", 3 years in the nick. Guess that's why they have just let out all those muggers and burglars early, they need room for you. Oh and The Koran, The Bible and Shakespeare (Juliet was under 16)... all you lot as well.

No people, I hold no breif for the kiddy fiddlers but this has gone way too fucking far. We need not to be voting these twats out of office we need to be throwing them out, via a twelfth floor window and into the paths of speeding fuel tax protesters in 18 wheel trucks.

This goes way beyond "protecting children", indeed there is evidence that this will actually put more children at risk,¹, this is pure and simple "We will control what you imagine and think. You may think of Government Approved topics only" and puts us in the shameful company of Saudi Arabia, Iran and China when it comes to freedom of expression.

Kill them. Kill them all. (and don't forget to bring lots of crimson Prismacolors so you can draw the fountains of blood accurately).




¹ There are a number of studies that show that where porn is freely available the rates of sexual assauts and sex crimes generally are lower than countries where it is not. Not conclusive proof but certainly strong evidence for a direct causation.

More Eurowibble

Looks like I was not the only one liveblogging Eurovision on Saturday, Noreen over on Emerald Bile has a nice take on everyone's favourite warble-fest and pretty much swore about the same songs as I did.

Now the dust has settled the hand-wringing as to why we came last, yet again has started in earnest. Terry Wogan is throwing his jouets out of le carrage bebe and saying he won't do it again unless the voting system changes and apparently some twat of an MP is apparently going to be tabling an early day motion to get the BBC to stop funding the competition unless we get to win or something; all of which sounds like a bunch of sour grapes.

Here's why we came last: we sent someone who could not even win a public talent show let along a major international competition. Russia on the other hand sent their equivalent of Robbie Williams who is absolutely massive in Eastern Europe and also threw in a famous Hugarian violinist and an olympic gold medallist figure scater into the mix. And as to all the whinging about "Block votes" please explain to me why Georgia gave Russia 12 points when earlier in the week the two countries almost went to war with each other! Look block voting always happened, Germany would always give Turkey 12 points (down to all the gastarbeiter, apparently) and we could usually rely on Ireland and Malta who were always good for a few points.

No, we lost because we sent a weak song that you had forgotten by the time it finished, let along after 20 odd other tunes. Terry Wogan is pissed because he more or less hand picked the entry this year - not that there was much competition and to be honest although 200k of my television tax go to fund this every year you get 8 or so hours of telly out of it. I doubt you would get a single episode of "Holby City" for that. Send a good song and you'll do OK, send an X-factor reject with 3 minutes of formula dross you won't.

And anyway, it's Eurovision, for fucks sake stop taking it seriously.

Liveblogging the Eurovision

We start with an apology for ripping the great british public off for telephone votes that were not registered... well that makes everyone cheerful.

And the show starts with the dumpy lesbian who won last year. Hey they had a centaur who introduced the second semi final, can we not have him back?

Oooh, the frocks are half suits and half dresses, and no we have changed to hot pants... this does not bode well for the interval act.

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Romania... er I worked with a Romanian once and I swear that his language when he was arguing with his mrs on the phone did not sound like that... A quick poke of the red button instant Eurovision karaoke reveals they are singing in Italian. Shame the song is a poor ripoff of Rene and Renata but without the blubber

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Us ... 2nd in some UK talent show apparently
Well he can hold a tune, Mrs Dracunculus thinks he sounds like Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate, I think he sounds like Gordon Brown. To be honest its a lot of energy going nowhere fast, instantly forgettable pop. He has a wonderful future on the cruise ships.

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Albania

Something about clocks. Mrs D says her frock does not fit. She seems to be stood in one hell of draft and to be honest I am wondering if we should have pressed the karaoke button as the English translation of this song is horlicks... bring back the Belgians with their nonsence lyrics.

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Germolene

Fuck me what is the matter with her hair! You are so cunting lucky you got a bye to the final as you would have no hope of getting through the semis. Hey you sent a real good swing song last year, do that again! Mrs D Thinks they look like a knock-off Power Rangers

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Armenia

Introduced by a clown... not a good start. Big folky noise... getting better... Oh its turned into a turkish belly dance... zzzzzz.... The half-halt with the "bink bink" in the verses is an interesting hook though so I think it might do well; certainly a toe-tapper.

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Bosnia & Herzegovena

Ah the knitting grannies... I like this one. Lyrics are utterly bananas (literally) but they have a big 80's stadium noise and it sounds great; barking mad in the best Eurovision tradition. Deserves to win.

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Israel

He looks about 12, but as you know he was in the Israeli military and can kill you in 127 different ways without you knowing it. One of those ways is singing off-key in your ear at concorde taking off decibel levels as he is doing now.

Still, if you insist in singing in a semitic language, Hebrew is the one to do it in (it's the rounded vowel sounds you see).

In with a chance I recon.

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Finland

It worked when you had Lordi. It will not work again. Enough with the heavy metal already.

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Croatia

Well it's different. George Melly, an 80 year old rapper and a tango tune. Now this is why we sit though this wierdness every year. Apparently the aged rapper is the "first internet ever" because he sang on cruise ships. Stupid cunt.

Vodka +1

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Poland

Well that tan is not so much from the salon more sprayed on at the local auto body shop and my horse Sunshine had prettier teeth than Isis Gee. If you melted Beyonce and Celene Deon and threw in a huge dog turd you would get this act. Utterly, utterly woeful.

Mrs D tells me to say "boob tape"

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Iceland

Techno... techno... techno... techno... FUCK OFF

I have a Korg Triton which could have written this song simply by choosing program D7 and holding down a C# Maj chord for 3 minutes. Could you not have sent Bjork?

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Turkey

Now that is more like it. Sounds like early Bauhaus.

Whoever knew you could rock in Turkish... deserves to win.

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<< And now to the green room as we are half way through and to the people who have less command of english than the twat who I am currently baiting who is supposed to be a Ghanaian barrister... jesus why do they bother>>

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Portugal

Fat lady sings. "Oh black waters, waves of sorrow"... I think she knows what happened to Madelene McCann.

Very operatic. Everyone ought to die at the end. Very good but no hope of winning.

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Latvia

Arrr... shiver me timbers... oh for fucks sake this is truly shite. I'm all for comedy entries if you can carry them off (like the Lithuanians who sang about vegetables) but this is just pants. Wolves of the sea... I have seen scarier hamsters.

Fuck off. Bring back the turkey.

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Sweden

... have entered a zombie. You know that bit in "Men in Black" where the bug puts Edgar's skin on and then drags the loose flesh back over his skull in front of his wife... That looks like Sweden's entry

And the song is sub 80's shouty action film shit.

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Denmark

Dullness presented by a Brian and Michael reject. Bodil Joensen could do better and she's been dead 15 years.

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Georgia

She's blind apparently. She can't sing either. Mrs D says its a rip of a song from Les Miserables ("Master of the House") but not being gay I cannot confirm that. Nice stage gimmick of turning all their costumes white. It's not going to help you win.

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Ukraine

Kind of turbo charged belly dance / Ibitha crossover. Loud, meaniningless, painful, vodka aquiring opportunity.

And lightning is the thing that does the striking, not thunder you thick cow.

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France

Have utterly lost the plot. Bonkers. Brilliant.

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Azerbaijan

Shreeeeeeek!!!!

Angels and Devils... who really need to get someone who is native English speaker to parse their lyrics before appearing before millions and making complete twats of themselves.

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Greece

Perfomed by fried squid. Look, you are from south eastern Europe but it absolutely not necessary to do whack a doumbek to get a hit.

That said the chorus is a bit of a toe tapper so it stands a chance

And flashing a bit of tit in the belly dance bit during the middle eight won't hurt.

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Spain

You really are not taking this seriously are you.

Lots of boos in the hall for that one;

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Serbia

No love, you are meant to do the interval act after everyone has done their song.

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Russia

This is a rip of something but whatever it is is just out of reach. Nice gimmick with the skating on the world's smallest ice rink though. In with a chance

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Norway

"... it can catch you off guard like bad crimes..." Fucking hell.

A county full of tall leggy blondes seem to have sent Tromso's biggest munter to the contest as well... they must really want to lose.

"oooh..." groan.

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Well it's over... can I be arsed to stay on line? Let me have another vodka and I'll see.

To be honest that was a weak Eurovision. Usually one wierd and addictive ditty will pop up and grab you, that didn't really happen this time but of everything from tonight my vote would be for Bosnia and Montenegro and as a reserve I would go for France because they don't give a shit.

What will win... I recon it is between Greece and Russia.

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The interval act... er Serbia, you're not really trying are you. Jesus wept, what a crock of shit. it's as though you saw riverdance and thought "Oh fuck this, we can't compete with that, just stick a folk band on".

And they just keep going... like a particularly bad fart.

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43 countries voting.... shit this will end about 3am

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Well into the voting now... looks like I predict a Eurovision winner :-)

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Half way through the voting and we're in Moscow next year. This is grumpy dragon, pissed as a newt, signing off...

Guardianistas and Eurovision

Someone over on lefty whinge-rag the Guardian we have an impassioned plea for the removal of Israel from the Eurovision Song Contest. Why? Because this year's entry is sung by a six year old clad in bacofoil? Becuase the world has never quite forgiven them for "I wanna be a polar bear"? Nope...

Last year, the Israeli Broadcasting Authority, which determines who represents Israel, ruled that Israel Defense Forces service was a condition for performer eligibility:

Cue much hand wringing and anti-Israeli bile from the pinkos, plus the predictable ignorance of "They shouldn't be in it anyway, they are not in Europe" (hint to thickies: European Broadcast Union != European Union, Algeria and Egypt could enter if they liked.)

Go read it all.

And I'll be blogging the main event live on Saturday :-)

Irelande, nul points

There is a theory going round my office that Ireland, having been nearly bankrupted by having to host the Eurovision song contest on no less than 13 occasions, have now opted to commit contest suicide by sending a song they know stands no chance of winning. Last year they were quite subtle about it by sending in an OK tune but cleverly having it sung by the one person in a country of musicians who was tone deaf. This year they decided to go the whole hog and send a puppet to shout a bunch of nonsense which worked absolutely perfectly as they didn't even make it to the finals. Well done chaps, Jamesons all round.

Mind you, given the standard of the entries this year I saw last night on the first semi final (Europe has gone through another mitosis so there are even more countries to accomodate) it could so easily have gone horribly wrong. We had three fat twats from some Baltic state shouting random words about food in some sort of post-modern ironic statement about the common agricultural policy (I had the "sing along" turned on so I could read the words you see), Finland bravely plugging away at the heavy metal angle thining "well it worked for Lordi" and Belgium returning to the path trod by the rather good Urban Trad's "Sanomi" and submitting a song in a completely made up language, regrettably failing to realise that Urban Trad only carried this off because the music was, you know, good. Oh and the Netherlands decided to justify the renaming of the capital city to "Islamsterdam" by sending something that sounded like every Turkish entry ever.

About the only thing that stood out was the Bosnian (I think, all those countries melt into a blob of balkan goo after half a bottle of Valpolicella) entry with an upbeat poppy number, sung well and with a bunch of ladies in wedding dresses knitting for some reason.

Apparently we've sent something that sounds like The Lighthouse Family on Mogadon. How can we fail.

I get my centaur after all

Yay! Another shoeing for the sky-pixie's followers yesterday in the commons where sense (and no doubt a government whip whispering things about "vote for centaurs or we will let slip the pictures of you and that mare trying to create one the old fashioned way) prevailed and human-animal hybrids got the go ahead.

What I find truly ugly though is the depths that the invisible fairy's friends will stoop to to impose their delusion on the rest of us. Let's take a look at some of the things that they said shall we...

Ex-minister Edward Leigh, who led the fight against the creation of hybrid "admixed" embryos, said they were "ethically wrong and almost certainly medically useless".

And you are qualified to make a descision about whether something is medically useless because? According to your Wikipedia page you're a member of the landed gentry, have a degree in History and qualified as a barrister. You are about as scientifically and medially qualified as a slice of toast so you can just shut right the fuck up.

He said there was "no evidence yet to substantiate" claims the work could lead to treatment for degenerative diseases like Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

If there even the tiniest sliver of a chance that throwing babies in a blender would lead to treatment for these evil conditions then we should be supporting them. I suppose you've never come into contact with these diseases have you? I suppose you think that dribbling into your soup is God punishing you for original sin? Words are barely adequate to describe how I think of you, you utter waste of DNA.

But then he goes and says...

"In embryos, we do have the genetic make up of a complete human being and we could not and should not be spliced together with the animal kingdom."

I have a bit of bad news for you here, fucktard. You ARE a member of the animal kingdom, hard as it is to believe as you appear to display all the intellectual capacity of seaweed.

And ex-Labour minister Sir Gerald Kaufman, agreed, adding: "How far do you go? Where do you stop? What are the limits and what are the boundaries?

Ah, the "thin end of the wedge" argument, you know if someone trots this out their position is truly fucked. Well Gerald, you don't stop, you go full throttle. There's no grumpy old man with a beard there so the sole purpose of the exercise is to make life more bearable whilst we're here and getting rid of or at least mitigating the effects of disease is noble and honorable and we should persue it with all the energies and skills humankind (and dragonkind) can muster. You want to sit in a cave mumbling about how god-of-mountain-will-be-angry-rain-down-fire then off you go but kindly fuck the hell out of everyone else's chance to have a pain free old age where they can actually remember who their relatives are, you wankstain.

I also noticed this bit of reportage:

However, the majority of the Tory shadow cabinet, including shadow foreign secretary William Hague and shadow home secretary David Davis, backed the unsuccessful attempt to ban hybrids.

Same old Tories then. Time to scrawl "None of you fuckers" on the ballot paper I guess.

And in signing off I saw there was an extra win...

A separate attempt to ban "pure" hybrid embryos, that would mix a human egg with animal sperm or vice versa, was also defeated in the Commons by 286 votes to 223, a government majority of 63.

Now it's been a while since I did biology but how does that work, I thought that the chromasome counts didn't match up? Can anyone explain this to me and why we don't already have centaurs, satyrs and lots of half-man/half-sheep creatures wandering around Wales?

(And yes, getting a bit bored with baiting scammers now so I'm going to post more; anyway it's eurovision time which is always good for a post or four)