Liveblogging the Eurovision

We start with an apology for ripping the great british public off for telephone votes that were not registered... well that makes everyone cheerful.

And the show starts with the dumpy lesbian who won last year. Hey they had a centaur who introduced the second semi final, can we not have him back?

Oooh, the frocks are half suits and half dresses, and no we have changed to hot pants... this does not bode well for the interval act.

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Romania... er I worked with a Romanian once and I swear that his language when he was arguing with his mrs on the phone did not sound like that... A quick poke of the red button instant Eurovision karaoke reveals they are singing in Italian. Shame the song is a poor ripoff of Rene and Renata but without the blubber

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Us ... 2nd in some UK talent show apparently
Well he can hold a tune, Mrs Dracunculus thinks he sounds like Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate, I think he sounds like Gordon Brown. To be honest its a lot of energy going nowhere fast, instantly forgettable pop. He has a wonderful future on the cruise ships.

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Albania

Something about clocks. Mrs D says her frock does not fit. She seems to be stood in one hell of draft and to be honest I am wondering if we should have pressed the karaoke button as the English translation of this song is horlicks... bring back the Belgians with their nonsence lyrics.

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Germolene

Fuck me what is the matter with her hair! You are so cunting lucky you got a bye to the final as you would have no hope of getting through the semis. Hey you sent a real good swing song last year, do that again! Mrs D Thinks they look like a knock-off Power Rangers

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Armenia

Introduced by a clown... not a good start. Big folky noise... getting better... Oh its turned into a turkish belly dance... zzzzzz.... The half-halt with the "bink bink" in the verses is an interesting hook though so I think it might do well; certainly a toe-tapper.

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Bosnia & Herzegovena

Ah the knitting grannies... I like this one. Lyrics are utterly bananas (literally) but they have a big 80's stadium noise and it sounds great; barking mad in the best Eurovision tradition. Deserves to win.

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Israel

He looks about 12, but as you know he was in the Israeli military and can kill you in 127 different ways without you knowing it. One of those ways is singing off-key in your ear at concorde taking off decibel levels as he is doing now.

Still, if you insist in singing in a semitic language, Hebrew is the one to do it in (it's the rounded vowel sounds you see).

In with a chance I recon.

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Finland

It worked when you had Lordi. It will not work again. Enough with the heavy metal already.

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Croatia

Well it's different. George Melly, an 80 year old rapper and a tango tune. Now this is why we sit though this wierdness every year. Apparently the aged rapper is the "first internet ever" because he sang on cruise ships. Stupid cunt.

Vodka +1

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Poland

Well that tan is not so much from the salon more sprayed on at the local auto body shop and my horse Sunshine had prettier teeth than Isis Gee. If you melted Beyonce and Celene Deon and threw in a huge dog turd you would get this act. Utterly, utterly woeful.

Mrs D tells me to say "boob tape"

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Iceland

Techno... techno... techno... techno... FUCK OFF

I have a Korg Triton which could have written this song simply by choosing program D7 and holding down a C# Maj chord for 3 minutes. Could you not have sent Bjork?

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Turkey

Now that is more like it. Sounds like early Bauhaus.

Whoever knew you could rock in Turkish... deserves to win.

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<< And now to the green room as we are half way through and to the people who have less command of english than the twat who I am currently baiting who is supposed to be a Ghanaian barrister... jesus why do they bother>>

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Portugal

Fat lady sings. "Oh black waters, waves of sorrow"... I think she knows what happened to Madelene McCann.

Very operatic. Everyone ought to die at the end. Very good but no hope of winning.

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Latvia

Arrr... shiver me timbers... oh for fucks sake this is truly shite. I'm all for comedy entries if you can carry them off (like the Lithuanians who sang about vegetables) but this is just pants. Wolves of the sea... I have seen scarier hamsters.

Fuck off. Bring back the turkey.

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Sweden

... have entered a zombie. You know that bit in "Men in Black" where the bug puts Edgar's skin on and then drags the loose flesh back over his skull in front of his wife... That looks like Sweden's entry

And the song is sub 80's shouty action film shit.

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Denmark

Dullness presented by a Brian and Michael reject. Bodil Joensen could do better and she's been dead 15 years.

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Georgia

She's blind apparently. She can't sing either. Mrs D says its a rip of a song from Les Miserables ("Master of the House") but not being gay I cannot confirm that. Nice stage gimmick of turning all their costumes white. It's not going to help you win.

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Ukraine

Kind of turbo charged belly dance / Ibitha crossover. Loud, meaniningless, painful, vodka aquiring opportunity.

And lightning is the thing that does the striking, not thunder you thick cow.

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France

Have utterly lost the plot. Bonkers. Brilliant.

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Azerbaijan

Shreeeeeeek!!!!

Angels and Devils... who really need to get someone who is native English speaker to parse their lyrics before appearing before millions and making complete twats of themselves.

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Greece

Perfomed by fried squid. Look, you are from south eastern Europe but it absolutely not necessary to do whack a doumbek to get a hit.

That said the chorus is a bit of a toe tapper so it stands a chance

And flashing a bit of tit in the belly dance bit during the middle eight won't hurt.

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Spain

You really are not taking this seriously are you.

Lots of boos in the hall for that one;

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Serbia

No love, you are meant to do the interval act after everyone has done their song.

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Russia

This is a rip of something but whatever it is is just out of reach. Nice gimmick with the skating on the world's smallest ice rink though. In with a chance

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Norway

"... it can catch you off guard like bad crimes..." Fucking hell.

A county full of tall leggy blondes seem to have sent Tromso's biggest munter to the contest as well... they must really want to lose.

"oooh..." groan.

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Well it's over... can I be arsed to stay on line? Let me have another vodka and I'll see.

To be honest that was a weak Eurovision. Usually one wierd and addictive ditty will pop up and grab you, that didn't really happen this time but of everything from tonight my vote would be for Bosnia and Montenegro and as a reserve I would go for France because they don't give a shit.

What will win... I recon it is between Greece and Russia.

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The interval act... er Serbia, you're not really trying are you. Jesus wept, what a crock of shit. it's as though you saw riverdance and thought "Oh fuck this, we can't compete with that, just stick a folk band on".

And they just keep going... like a particularly bad fart.

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43 countries voting.... shit this will end about 3am

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Well into the voting now... looks like I predict a Eurovision winner :-)

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Half way through the voting and we're in Moscow next year. This is grumpy dragon, pissed as a newt, signing off...