Bet that's a fun read

Seen today as I logged on to Blogger...




Like I'm going to click on that link on the 7:20 from Cambridge.

Bangles Vs. Unicorn Horns

Oh fuck here we go, some silly fucking cow with God on her fucking side has got a gin-sodden high court judge to pander to her family's "Waaahhh! You are insulting our religion" bullshit: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/7529694.stm

Given all the panic about knife crime right now I wonder if the other "K" which Sikhs are supposed to carry, the Kirpan or dagger, is going to be allowed and we can look forward to schools where all the kids in turbans are wandering around tooled up? Didn't think of that one did you you fucking cunttrumpets.

Look this is quite simple, school says "We are giving you a free education out of Little Dragon's taxes. This the the dresscode, like it or fuck right the hell off and pay for your own schooling." no arguments.

I suggest a fightback here folks. All parents should immediately take up the worship of her most Holy Pinkness, none other that the Invisible Pink Unicorn (PBUH). To show proper and devout devotion to Her Holy Horn your children should be equipped with a foot long spiral horn made from the finest Sheffield steel and sharpened to a point. If any one asks the spiral represents the wandering path we all take to Her Blessed Meadows and the point represents goring in the stomach of anyone who dares to insult our faith.

Your children must wear this at all times but especially during rugby practice. Anyone who argues against and we just point to this tuling and intone the Nu Labour prayer "Waaaaah! My Huuuman Riiiights".

Hiding the kids from evil peedofils

Your scaly green correspondent was out shopping last week for a new motor vehicle as the present tank is getting a bit tatty and long in the tooth so time to get something new with which to annoy the eco-weenies.

As is normal with my car purcasing forays I already know what model and spec I want before I go to the shop and invariably see something shinier and buy that and this trip was no exeception as I was after a Toyota Landcruiser LC4 and ended up with a four month old fully tricked out Invinvible (piccies to follow when I pick it up later in the week).

Anyway I tootled around in it, in lieu of off-roading I drove it over a couple of speed bumps and flapped my dragony wings in joy when, on parking it back at the dealership, found it had a camera in the back so you can park the fucking thing. I also noticed that all the rear windows were darkly tinted (which, to be honest, made it look a bit like a pimpmobile) but I didn't give it much thought. Anyway Mrs D and I were back at the dealers on Saturday to sign the papers and make it quite clear to him that I did not require the optional Wombat Protection Insurance or the additional Beluga Whale Towing option so please take those off the bill you commission junky. A little hiccup happened in that we realised that the MOT* had expired on the car I'm trading in so being as I'm about to spunk 30-odd thousand on the new thing they booked us in then and there and leant us a Verso for a couple of hours. Quite a nice medium sized family runabout with a start button which was cool and a dashboard that looked link Bang and Olufsen has designed it. But yet again it had those tinted rear windows.

It was only that evening over dinner Mrs Dracunculus says "you know what, those tinted windows they're doing now are really sad."

"How come?" says I.

"Well you notice the two cars we'v ebeen driving have lots of seats for sproglets in the back? Well the tinted glass is there to stop evil nasty peedofils looking at your kids on the school run."

Bloody hell she's right. This is EXACTLY what its for and there is obviously the demand for it - I also notice that its only fitted to the more expensive models for each marque so it's also a subtle marketing ploy of "if you want to protect your kids then you should really by the LX instead of the L model". The sales guy obviously never brought the glass issue to our attention as we quite clearly did not have little hatchlings in tow.

Now how utterly fucked in the head to you have to be to think that peedofils are waiting to look at your kids through your car window, not only that but it is such a threat you need to have smoked glass in the back of your motor!

On the other hand top marks to Toyota for spotting that gap in the market.




* roadworthyness document for my non UK reader.

Wishes sometimes come true

From a blog post made last May on the subject of a certain Mr Murat, resident of a certain town in Portugal:

I really, really hope that he is as innocent as a day-old lamb and that he sues Ms Campbell and her tawdry hack rag every which way to Christmas and back.

From today's BBC news website:

Expat Robert Murat has settled a claim for damages over allegations in 11 UK newspapers that he was involved in the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Happy Dragon!

Another twatty priest excels himself

OK so you are on your way into a public building and you see a Harold Ramp dossing down in the doorway, probably stinking like a public lavatory in Lagos and surrounded by syringes indicating that he's a junky (and therefore odds on has every kind of Hepatitis not to mention TB, HIV, the Ague and Viral Equine Encephalopathy) and also probably not 100% of sound mind right now. You're not going to go and wake him up and offer him a cup of tea are you.

Well if the tramp was a knobcheese of a vicar in Wales and he was testing his flock you should do.

Mr Rigby said he had intended to communicate a "serious message of acceptance in an emotive way", and used the example of the Disciples not recognising Jesus on the road to Emmaus after his resurrection.

Well yes but there's a bit of a difference between recognising someone walking around who you are convinced got nailed to a plank the other week and avoiding a pissed up junkie.

He said he had tried a similar stunt twice before in Newport and London - where the congregations had been more generous.

And more stupid, obviously.

Hop aboard the Atheist Bus

This is a cracking idea. If you live or work in London you can't have failed to notice that when buses are not advertising the latest Hollywood celluloid wankfest there is some sappy message about "Believe in Jesus or you're going to burn, sinner."

So what if the atheists had an ad?

Well for a pledge of just five measly quid, we can. http://www.freethinker.co.uk/2008/07/06/atheism-on-the-buses/

Go on, you know you want to.

And for your further reading pleasure, this website has been cracking me up for the last 2 days, the (admittedly old) blog of an american teacher of "special needs" kids, or as she puts it... TardBlog

Oh, Bum.

Turns out Cambridge station has a newly installed automatic gate line I didn't know about (or could see from where I was).

No wonder they didn't care.

Jammie Dodgers

My train company have started promoting their new wizard wheeze which fits right in with the police state that Britain is rapidly turning into under the auspices of ZaNuLabour. Apparently if you "suspect" someone of not having paid for their train travel you can send a text message starting with the word "dodger" to a phone number.

Wonderful, so how the fuck does that work then? Well let's have a go picking the first random fucker I see who looks like they are going to get off at Cambridge. First of all I'll fire up the baiting phone* and so we go "DODGER old mn in rd drs on {time} Lon Cambrdge"

Now I will just strategically position myself so I can see the platform entrance at Cambridge.

Oh my phone went beep. Auto ack from the SMS reciever at National Distress Party HQ.

10 mins later we're at Cambridge and old lady in red dress gets off train... walks straight out of station without being challenged.

Marvellous. It doesn't work. That's me sleeping soundly tonight knowing that no matter how much stazi-like surveillance they will put in place humans will still be running it and cock-ups win out every time.




* unregistered handset and free sim from O2 topped up using cash - mainly used in my 419 baits.

Belgium

Why is Belgium so ugly?

I've been travelling around Europe for a while and there's something about Belgium that I could not quite put my finger on until yesterday when I had to cross it from The Netherlands to France and it came to me; the country is just plain butt ugly. Everything seems to look tatty, a casually thrown together mess of overhead power cables and concrete, all the buildings are either brown or grey, the road signs on the motorway are horrible to look at and what is with those tatty red number plates on the cars?

I've even flown over Belgium a couple of times in a light plane and it's even ugly from the air.

No wonder this is where surrealism came from. Reality was just to hideous to paint.