Well what a year it's been in the Dragon household

I got a Christmas card off my cousin the other day, the cheapskate had sent it second class and must have posted it late so it arrived on the 29th. Anyway its the thought that counts, a thought I didn't have as I didn't send him one.

It might have ended there but on opening said jolly holly and mistletoe card out fell a letter which appears to have come from the planet Pretentious.

You know I really thought people had stopped sending those stupid round robin letters out to their extended social circle but it would appear not. What sending one of those means is "I count you as part of my extended network of vague friends and relatives but you are too unimportant in my life to keep in regular contact with so I will tell you all about my wonderful life and family once a year in a carbon copy memo I send out to a metric fuckton of people none of whom remotely give a monkey's peanut laden shite what my and my wonderful kids have been up to."

Quite correct Cousin Twathead, I think I last saw you about seven years ago when you were getting hitched to wife No. 2 in that hotel, or maybe it was wife No. 3 - I lost track.^* Anyway he appears to have aquired wife n last year, this one coming pre-sprogged for your convenience, and as a result there are a number of teenage kids to write about so I get to hear about school prom (when the fuck did we import that American nonsense - when I was a hatchling we celebrated the end of term by going down the park and drinking cider), clever Tarquina getting five A* grades in her exams and of course lots and lots and lots of lovely holidays and Cousin Twatheads' promotion at the bank.

Why? Why are you inflicting the minutae of your drab, middle class, estate car and two weeks in the South of France existence on me? It's not as though I am going to write back and congratulate you on a year's worth of achievement in all things mundane is it you fucktrumpet!

If me and Mrs Dracunculus were going to send out one of these it would look something like this:

Well what a year it's been in the Dragon household. The pony got laminitis and has been on box rest for months, we got two dogs who are eating us out of house and home and shit everywhere, my internet connection still sucks but at least I now have a more or less working WiFi setup and the garden hasn't had anything done to it and still resembles the battlefield at Ypres.

Oh and man came with a big tanker sometime in September and pumped out the septic tank.

Apart from that we spent the year gambling, screwing and getting pissed.

See you all in 2010.

^* I have a theory that my cousin is over-compensating in the wife department after the debacle of marriage No. 1 back in '94 when it turned out his bride was shagging the best man the day before the wedding and they filed for divorce immediately on returning from their honeymoon (true story - honest!)

Yawn, scratch, scratch, scratch

Look, dragons tend to go to sleep for a long time OK. I was rather hoping to stay in the land of nod until that fuck ugly twat Brown had been kicked into touch but tempted out of my cave by large quantities of turkey and stuffing I see that him and his gurning pack of fucktrumpets are still in business screwing over the country.

Sooo what's been happening. Global warming revealed as bollocks, yes saw that, lots of people going to the land of Carlsberg and Bodil Joensen (all the good porn shops are behind the station on the Istegade guys, but I expect your researchers told you that) - bet none of you cycled there did you?

Nigerian trying to blow up a plane... well I suppose that if you're too thick to make money doing 419 scams international terrorism might seem to be a reasonable career option. Seems like he was as bad a terrorist and bomb maker as he probably was a scammer "Wetin dey broda, mugu like you have no level!"

And the chinkies have killed someone for drug smuggling. Excellent! In deference to the sensibilities of the bleeding hearts in the west they didn't rip out his organs first to sell to the highest bidder on Ebay and they are letting some raghead preacher chuck him in a hole but, and all credit to them, they did say "Our house, our rules, fuck you" when Batshit Milliband went all "we condemn this is the strongest possible terms." Now I hold no brief for China or it's leadership, in fact I think China's leadership sucks like a very sucky thing and the Chinese people have some very odd notions when it comes to medicine but having been there the notices at the airports are very large and very clearly say "If you smuggle drugs we will execute you" and quite frankly the fact that you're loony tunes cuts no ice with me or the Chinese justice system. I know people with bipolar disorder (back in the day we called it manic depression), in fact one of my best mates has it - sure he's not entirely well and he's a little bit scary to be around when he's in one of his manic phases but generally the drugs keep him on an reasonably even keel and he holds down a responsible job and an active personal life with no real issues. So maybe dead drug smuggler was "Non compliant with his medication" as Mrs Dracunculus would have put it when she was dealing with loonies for a living. Well if that's the case he should have been in a hospital or institution... ah we shut all those down didn't we, right.

So Batshit, before banging on to a very important trading partner who also happens to have one of the largest standing armies in the world not to mention something of an inferiority complex about how naughty they are for stringing this guy up (bet they made his family pay for the rope too... now that's a justice system I would like to see here!) maybe you should look and see just exactly what lead him to China and why wasn't he doped up and singing his rabbit song on a "special" ward somewhere.

Mind you given that the fact he wrote said rabbit song maybe the Chinese have done us all a favour in bumping him off. Go and listen... it's truly, er, unique.

We got the crusties

You may have seen on the news that some of the trustafarian "climate change" protesters currently infesting Blackheath decided to target Banko di Haggis today:

"Protesters glued to floor of bank"

Well as your scaly green chum was there, they decided to occupy the next row of desks to where I sit, let me let you in on a few details as to how this actually went down.

Firstly, here they are should you pass them in the street and want to give them the business end of a breath weapon turned up to "toasty" so they can experience some Local Climate Change.



Nice looking bunch of layabouts filling in those long summer months before heading back to uni to that all important Media Studies degree.

Protesters have glued their hands to the floor of the Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in the City of London.

As you can quite clearly see their hands are not glued to the floor at all, what they did was actually glue themselves to each other with one of them putting his arm around a pole supporting a TV similar to the one on the right of my picture.

Twelve Climate Camp protesters dressed as construction workers stuck themselves to the floor while a further 100 protested outside.

As you can see they are NOT dressed as construction workers, and there were in fact six of them.

To be honest they were pretty well behaved for protestors and just sat there occasionally chanting their "whose planet - our planet" chants plus another one that seemed to go to the tune of those old Jack Dee beer commercials (the "Widget, it's got a widget, a lovely widget, a widget it has got" one) and every so often one of them would start banging on to the gathered wage slaves of B de H about how bad we were and we should be nice to mummy earth and "as traders you can make a difference"

It was at this point that some kindly employee pointed out to them that, although this looked like a trading floor all the traders had moved and we were, in fact, a bunch of IT guys and beancounters.

The plod were, as you would expect with every employee of the bank wielding a pretty high end mobile phone camera, (and no it was not me that sent these images to the Daily Fail) being on their best behaviour despite one of the gobby little shits who looked not unlike Japan's bass player Mick Khan giving it a load of verbals about how the police were breaking the law by not giving their names (son, they don't need to, only their numbers) and eventually the riot act was read to them, they refused to shift until RBS stopped hurting mummy nature and some chaps with solvents turned up, put safetey goggles on the crusties and de-glued them. Of course our little protesters wanted to milk this for all they could get so despite the gig being up they insisted on being dragged out...



About two hours later one of my colleagues reported that our unwashed friends were outside the front of the building once more, no doubt having been taken down to Bishopsgate nick and then let straight out with a police caution.

To be honest I have no problem with them protesting, I disagree with what they say but they have a perfect right, indeed a duty, to say it. But you interfered with my sausage sandwich and coffee this morning so if it were down to me I'd have invoked the disaster recovery plan, cleared the floor and left you there for a couple of days - let's see how your commitment to the cause is when you're sat in your shit and are hallucinating because of dehydration.

Fucknuggets the lot of you.

(Video of one of the silly twats getting dragged out as soon as I can get YouTube to bleeding well work)

Burning down the house

Apparently a whole load of dole claiming smelly crusties are going to be decending on London today to set up a "climate camp" for, well, just for shits and giggles I guess but they will be banging on about global warming/cooling (take your pick) and no doubt teaching each other circus skills (which is always juggling and not dressing up like a clown and driving around in a car with the doors falling off) and knitting their own tofu. Apparently this is supposed to draw attention to the weather or something.

I trust that names and IDs will be being checked and anyone claiming benefits will have them immediately stopped for that week as they are clearly not available for work? No, thought not. Keep paying your taxes so these cunts can carry on inconveniencing you, you climate criminal dragon.

Meanwhile up in swamp-world we've had a bit of a fire and a nice company which does very environmentally sound work in recycling car tyres has gone up in flames and, apparently, the advice from the Environment agency is not to put the fire out and just let it burn itself out. I drove past it this morning on the way to the station and there is a mound of tyres that must be 8 or 9 metres high, 20 metres wide and dog knows how deep merrily blazing away. I can see the smoke from the lair and that's 8 miles away and every now and again the wind changes direction and you get the whiff of burning rubber, sort of like an oily coal smell like you get around steam engines which isn't entirely unpleasant but I can't imagine it's very healthy. That and the fact that this thing is probably generating the same amount of CO₂ every minute that I would have to drive my big fuck off 4x4 around the world from now until doomsday to make.

Bet you won't see any climate campers outside there any time soon.

Nyarrrrr

I see from this that the BNP have a new, sure-fire way of recruiting the critical mass they need and enabling them to usher in a new thousand year reich of not being very nice to the darkies.

The British National Party is using English Folk songs ...the BNP is very much on the look out for a "political soundtrack".

Yep. Folk music. That ought to do the job.

You can just see the rallies now. Lots of smartly turned out young men marching in perfect drill, tons of flags, Nick Griffin in a silly moustache and some weirdybeard folkie in the corner playing an accordion and singing "The Lincolnshire Poacher". Finger in the ear here we go.

Oh I'm a computer programmer
From sunny Milton Keynes
During the week I wear a suit
At the weekend I wear jeans
And it's my delight on a Friday night
To cook some haricot beans.¹

I wonder if Dave Cameron's Tories would be interested in picking up the contracts of all those "Oi!" bands now that the BNP have gone acoustic.


¹ © Alexi Sayle, who still is funny.

More pocket wolves

Loki


Freyja


Not sure what they call themselves but they certainly don't know their names. At least they are generally starting to crap on the newspaper now.

You are allow to go "awwww, cute!" for a few moments if you wish.

Pocket Wolves

I has them.



Sorry about the crappy picture but this was the best I could do with my phone at the time.

Please say hello to Loki and Freyja, little furry bundles of 11 week old Alaskan Malamute cuteness. Into everything, piddling on the floor and crapping something that appears to be a combination of toxic waste and velcro.

More pics to follow (of the dogs, not the crap)

Please to be speaking up as you are the dyings

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8163930.stm

The National Flu Service is expected to go live later, giving thousands of swine flu sufferers access to drugs without needing to consult a GP.

The phone and website service, which will only cover England, is the first of its kind in the world.

...

Dr Richard Vautrey, of the British Medical Association, which has helped to design the checklist being used by the flu service, said: "What we have to remember is that this is a unique situation.

"So as long as the call handlers get the correct training we can be confident in this service."

Yeah, right. Something like this then...

Good Morning. My name is Gupta, how can I be of helping you?

You are having the sneezings and ache of the head and sore of throat yes? And you are the saying you are keeping the random motherfuckers on fire setting? And you are saying all you can smell is the truffle?

I am the thinking perhaps you have the piggy flu. Please give me your name so I can the medicine be getting for you.

I am sorry I am not understanding. Please can you be spelling name.

D for Dupiaza yes?

Is that A as in Aloo?

No is R as in Raita?

Now is A for Aloo?

Now is G for something in indian food that start with G

I am the sorry line is not good here in Delhi, please to be roaring more loudly Mr Draggle

Atishoink

Oh wonderful. Yesterday we had an email round saying that someone has gone off with "self diagnosed suspected swine flu" - which probably means he has a sniffle and fancied a few days off. However as it seems he was over in our office on Monday and had a lengthy meeting with someone on my team who sits on the next bank of desks the whole of that desk row has been quarantined - which means sent home and told not to come in for 4 days in case they suddenly start oinking and developing a really good nose for truffles.

Of course this now means that everyone on my team is now at home putting their feet up and watching Richard and Judy and left holding the fort is one very, very pissed off small green dragon.

Also the person that our latter day Typhoid Mary happened to be meeting was someone I subsequently spent the rest of the Monday afternoon with plus a good portion of Tuesday sharing a keyboard as we did some pair programming and fixed a couple of problems. So if this is genuine I'm fully expecting to start turning pink and squealing come the end of the week.

If you cross a dragon and a pig do you get a pigeon?

Kicking kids whilst they're down

Snapped this on the train the other day.



Bloody hell, can you imagine anything worse that this. You're a kid, you're probably in pain, you're probably scared and then some numpty with greasepaint all over it's fizzog starts leaping around the ward making a racket, getting in the way of the nursing staff and waving shit in your face, oh sorry that would be "turning the ward into a magical playspace".

Just look at the kid - the little fucker is petrified!

Look clowns are not funny, never have been, never will be. They are also definitely the wrong side of the cute - creepy axis so if you're a kid in hospital do all your fellow patients a favour and if a "clown doctor" comes into your ward in a stupid car with the doors falling off beat it to death with your drip stand.

It's allowed, killing clowns is justifiable homicide. I looked it up on Wikipedia so it must be true.