I really, really want one of these.

The DREAD weapon system

Imagine a gun with no recoil, no sound, no heat, no gunpowder, no visible firing signature (muzzle flash), and no stoppages or jams of any kind. Now imagine that this gun could fire .308 caliber and .50 caliber metal projectiles accurately at up to 8,000 fps (feet-per-second), featured an infinitely variable/programmable cyclic rate-of-fire (as high as 120,000 rounds-per-minute), and were capable of laying down a 360-degree field of fire.

Can I have one... please... please!! Can I put the entire Labour Cabinet (and throw in David Cameron for good measure) in front of it? Failing that can I have one mounted on the roof in case the pikeys come past?

And I want my dinner ready when I get home too!

Yay... proof that doing housework is good for women. Now all we need is a survey that says sitting in front of the TV with a can of lager prevents cancer of the bum in men and we're sorted.

Stop trying to steal my money!

Doctors have called for a sharp rise in alcohol prices after a report said 28,000 victims of drink-related violence are treated in A&E each year.

Look just fuck off will you. I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine in the evening and have been know to go out for the odd pint or three after work. Please explain to me why I should be penalised for this because some nineteen year cuntsnot can't hold his liquor of a Friday night and starts chucking his weight and pint glasses around.

You want to sort out this. OK here's what you do. Lets take all those dickwads who rock up to A&E beered up to the gills or end up in the cells because they threw a punch at a copper and charge them the full price of their treatement or processing. The full cost mind you, probably several hundred pounds; and if they can't pay then send in the baliffs becuase a pound will get you a penny they (or their feckless parents) will have a nice plasma TV, some sort of motor vehicle or some other goods that can be sold off to raise the funds for the fine. I guarantee that you do this for a few weeks, really do it mind you - no "oh he's poor, he's from a broken home, he's being vicitmised" bollocks - and I guarantee that once a few scrotes have seen everything, yay even unto the Ben Sherman shirt off their backs, taken off them to pay their share of a Friday night's policing bill you will see peace in our towns and cities come the weekends if for no other reason that the troublemakers won't have a bean to spend on the booze.

Regrettably it'll never happen - the dickcheese that passes it off for political leaders these days don't have the backbone.

I thought you guys were invincible?

Turns out that when not faced by an unarmed population but actually up against a real army the much vaunted forces of Islam aren't actually up to much, fighting-wise. Bouche : dix points, pantalons: nul points

So how come that, given that the British and American military is, with due respect to the Ethiopians, probably a bit better equipped and trained than the military of a cash strapped African nation, not able to give the insurgents in Iraq a damned good twatting?

Maybe perhaps because our governments won't let them becuase it might not look nice on TV?

1 + 1 = how much again?

Aw diddums, poor little thick people can't add up so nasty shops take advantage of them.

Fucking hell people, if you really cannot work out how much you save on a "buy one get one half price" then maybe you are too thick to be trusted with money whether that be scrip, specie or that store card you got because although you really didn't understand what "38.7% APR" meant the nice man in the shop was so convincing and you just had to have those £200 trainers with the inflatable laces right now.

OK so let me get this straight here. You were born into a country which gave you absolutely free an education until at least age 16 and which mathematics formed a part of the curriculum. People's taxes funded this educational opportunity for you. But oh no, you were the one arseing about in class, kicking up a fuss when people like me were actually trying to avail themselves of the precious gift of knowledge, carving "Daz 4 Sharon" on the desk whilst you could have been learning what compound interest actually meant. But that was "borin'" wasn't it so you carried on in you pig-ignorance, trusting that yelling and picking on the swotty kids would get you what you wanted out of life.

Well here's some news for you, cuntsnot; that swotty kid now writes computer programs that use all those "borin'" numbers and one of the things that they do is all that money stuff which you are to fucking dense to work out and, as a consequence, the people for whom I write these programs make lots of pennies lending money to thick gits like you who would not know what an APR was if it bit you on the arse; consequently said companies are able to pay me the best part of seventy quid... an HOUR. You could work out how much that was a year if you'd paid attention in Mel Smith's* class.

As for the government - look these wankers had their chance for an education at the taxpayer's expense, they blew it, for fucks sake don't give them another one, especially with my fucking money. Leave them in their ignorance so clever folks can continue to milk them dry and keep the wheels of finance and commerce well-lubricated with stupid people's money.

And yes, I had a lovely Christmas, thanks for asking.


* Yes, that was my maths teacher's name.

Merry Bleedin Xmas

What a waste of a day. Didn't manage to get a stroke of work done thanks to lots of sproglets running about and hijacking my PC to watch the DVD of "Happy Feet" which I accidentally let slip at last night's pissup I happened to have on the lappy.

Finally sloped off at half one when everyone else seemed to have knocked off for the day, crawl my way up to Cambridge (no direct trains this time of day) and then have to freeze my little dragony tail off for an hour waiting for a delayed connection only to squeeze onto a short formed train in a scrum which made the scramble for the last helicopter out of Saigon look dignified. I had to breathe on a couple of grannies to get a seat.

First Crapital Disconnect willing I will shortly be home in the lair where I will pour myself a very large single malt and shut the bloody stupid world and all its bloody stupid people out for the next four days.

Rugrats

Good point made on the Guardian's comment site today on the true effects of peedofil paranoia. Not that I'm ever likely to need vetting as the very idea of volunteeing for anything that involves ankle-biters fills me with an overwhelming urge to go and be physically unwell in a corner.

However back at work we are having a "bring your rugrat to the office" day - a tradition in the City of London on Xmas eve for as long as I can remember. I wonder how long this bit of pre-xmas jollity will continue before everyone in the building has to have a CRB check in case someone in Accounts Receivable was a catholic priest before joining and companies decide that'll cost too much.

Sanity is restored

Replaced the grommetty things on the headphones.

On the train home with Aaron Copeland cranked up.

All the pissed-up businessfolks who've been on all afternoon benders and whose volume controls are broken are dissapearing below a shower of chromatic brilliance courtesy of the grandad of The Police's drummer.

Sanity is restored. All is well with the world

I need my iPlod-U-Like Now!

Well a rubber grommetty thing has fallen off my earphones this morning so I can't listen to my iPod-u-like. Not too much of a problem you think.

WRONG! The fat ugly cunt opposite me has his crappy music turned up so I can hear "tink-tink-tink" and somebody doing a rap... this guy is in his thirties and wearing a suit I might add and probably thinks he's "down" with the "youth" (no, you're a wanker and you're doing the Telegraph crossword). Across the carriage is some bloke snoring, or at least he was until his phone rang with some "humerous" chatty ringtone in a mexican accent - fucking hilarious that was. All I need now is a couple of adenoidal PAs to get on a Broxbourne and bray at each other about how wrecked they got at last night's works Xmas party.

I need my music - if for the only reason of blocking out the seething mass of lumpen proles I have to travel with.

Gods I hope I can find the spare grommety things in my desk when I get in.

Coo

This amused me... just read the letters.

Thanks to Famous for 15 Megapixels for the tip.

Pegasus Free Zone?

This is a choice bit of bollocks from The Guardian... Why No-Fly zones won't solve the Darfur Problem"

Conor, bless his little lefty socks, whitters on in a worthy but dull way mentioning why they didn't work in places like Iraq and Bosnia. Now your scaly green correspondent probably would not be able to make a living for writing for The Grauniad as his reportage would probably come up a bit short on the wordcount. Here is my copy for the same article...

No fly zones are designed to stop these...



The bad guys in Sudan get around on these...



So unless they have managed to create some of these...



... you need a "No Ponies" zone, dickhead.

(incidentally I think "Janjaweed" has got to be the best name ever for a militia... whenever I here it I get the vision of a bunch of blissed out rastafarians sat around going "Mon, I and I will go and do a bit a genocide, just as soon as I and I have smoked some more 'erb")

Maybe not the right man

Hmmm... not sure what to think about "The Bishop" after all since I watched the news last night. I'm no sociologist (Mrs Dragon is - she has a degree in social policy and everything) but he came across as just a bit of a lonely saddo with a need to feel useful. Obviously I'm not privy to what Plod know, for all I know his lappy was stuffed to the gills with slasher porn and unposted blog entries saying "Thursday: killed another prostitute this evening..." but he just didn't come across as, well, dangerous...

... Which, given my skill and judgement where the human race is concerned, probably means he's a Harold Shipman class serial killer.


Incidentally it was interesting to watch the different styles of coverage on BBC 24 and Sky News - Shy was very much "look at us we got an exclusive interview with the man who interviewed his cat" whereas the Beeb were much more introspective and thoughtful with an interesting discussion on how the media was covering the whole thing and a much less "tabloid" approach. I know it's ever so fashionable for people on the right to knock Auntie but give me the Beeb over commercial news any day (what's the betting the Tescos have done some subtle leaning on Sky and ITV to stop doing pieces to camera in front of the branch where our alledged serial killer works)

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, put the dinosaur out for the night,
Prevent Scooby Doo from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the jetcars and with jangly cartoon music
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Farewell Joe.

Must be the right man

The police are holding someone in custody on suspicion of involvement in the murder of a number of women in the Ipswitch area... or as the "London Lite" puts it "Strangler cops hold man called The Bishop".

Must have got the right man, after all all serial killers have some cool nickname, Ripper (Jack the ~, Yorkshire ~), Son of Sam, Black Panther, and so on. Makes me wonder why Plod just didn't round up everyone in Ipswitch and Lowestoft with a nickname.

Roooooooxanne...

Being an resident of East Anglia the fact that there is a serial killer doing the rounds just down the road from me is of course a little disturbing, even though his preferred target group does not so far seem to include small green fire breathing dragons (always assuming of course that there are any small green fire breathing dragons on the game in Ipswitch¹).

What I find puzzling is that we seem to have got a new phrase: "Sex Worker". What the hell is a "Sex Worker" when she (or he I assume) is at home; anything like a social worker but with extra special services? What, pray tell, is wrong with the good old English word "Prostitute"? Everyone knows what it means, it isn't gender specific and I think it sounds a good deal less clumsy.

What I find tragic is that if this government was a bit less, you know, run by a religious mafia and had the bollocks to stand up to the tabloid press then they may have introduced managed areas and legal, properly regulated brothels by now and five women (and counting) would probably be alive right now. But hey, after Iraq whats a few more dead bodies, eh Tone?

My opinion is that if people want to buy and sell sexual favours then that's just fine and dandy by me and it is no business of government to say that they can't; indeed if government had any common sense they should put it on a proper business footing with minimal, sensible regulation to protect consumers and workers from undue exploitation and risk and then tax it like any other profit-making enterprise. Now I know that, as Deborah Orr pointed out in her article in today's Independent, the management of any enterprise would not want to take on a heroin addict as an employee but at least we could have managed zones, as they tried in Liverpool a while back, where the ladies of negotiable virtue could work in some sort of safety and at least the social workers and drug outreach programmes could find them (and yes whereas I might be an unreconsitituted libertarian I do think people who have fucked up their life on drugs through bad choices should at least be offered some sort of help, if only because it's cheaper to the taxpayer in the long run).

Anyway I hope the back-to-basic moralists and fundy Xtians are sleeping well tonight... who am I kidding, course they are. They probably think it's God's punishment. Gits.




¹Bet they would clean up if there were - seem to be plenty of people interested in sleeping with dragons if what I see in the more exotic corners of the net is anything to go by.

The Persians have lost the plot

"Iran is your home and is the home of all freedom seekers of the world. Here you can express your views and exchange opinions in a friendly, brotherly and free atmosphere," he said.

Well that's very nice of you Mr Imadinnerjacket. Tell you what, I'd like to book the conference hall once you've finished your neo-nazi love in to hold a seminar on "Islam - Religion of Violence or What?" with a few break-out sessions debating the vital issues of our time like "The Prophet Mohammed - Did he really sleep with goats?".

As I can express my views so freely in your country I take it that you don't have any problem with this.

Yeah, thought so. Sooner we turn the desert to glass the better.

That said I do think holocaust denial laws are pretty stupid. I'd much rather asshats like David Irving be allowed to spout their gibberish because (a) in a free country you should be free to say what you like, no matter how much of a wanker it makes you look and (b) it's so much fun to watch proper historians shooting them down in flames

(By the way do take time to have a look at David Icke's website above as it is an absolute hoot! However he is right in that Dragons do rule the world - bow down and worship me!)

Cluck

After yet another very wobbly trip your dragon pal is now back in Tory Blur's Wonderland.

Just the one thought from things Netherlandish... in Dutch the name of the "BNP Lite" party "UKIP" translates as "You Chicken".

New Labour of course translates into every language as "Wankers"

Dragons on a Boat

Well, dragon at least and the boat is that fine mistress of the seas the Stena Holladica. Yep Dracunculus os off to The Netherlands for the weekend to visit some of his friends and indulge in the local beverage (which we only let you haff when it is ready).

Mind you I picked a choice weekend to go. Here is the shipping forecast:

THAMES DOVER WIGHT PORTLAND SOUTHWESTERLY 6 TO GALE 8 DECREASING 5 FOR A TIME, THEN BECOMING CYCLONIC SEVERE GALE 9 OR STORM 10, LATER BECOMING NORTHWESTERLY 4 OR 5. MODERATE OR ROUGH, OCCASIONALLY VERY ROUGH IN PORTLAND. RAIN OR SHOWERS. MODERATE OR GOOD

So the crew have been putting the multilingual sickbags out. Rather charmingly they have the nice message "Do you want..." on the front. "No, what I want is to finally stop puking my guts up and then I wish to curl up and die."




I have decided to at least have something to eat (see below), oh and 0.3mg of Hyoscine Hydrobromide for good measure (which probably means I'll be snoring in 20 minutes or so).

Stay tuned for more grumblings from the land of marijuana and horseporn where no-one wears a veil - assuming we don't sink.

fwkin hull

That Channel 4 christmas speech in full

fnwf sfnl flwls mnur Jihad flwn shmoork

Infidel flub gurbl fln flm durfn smur snurt fluuurk

snchur flwl flub gurs flurbl snurt Murr Chifmws Dhimmis

Take off the fucking veil you stupid bint we can't make out a fucking thing you're saying.

Pretentious media fuckwits having a wank... not big, not clever.

Plane Stupid

Jesus wept... what is wrong with these people!

The captain identified a braking problem which was at first thought not to be important. Engineers were called but the passengers were allowed to advance through to the boarding gate. Mr Phillips said the engineers then found that the fault was more serious than first thought and the flight had to be cancelled...

..."At this point a small number of passengers - three or four - became extremely aggressive with airport staff and airline personnel.

Sure, we'll just take off with a plane we are not sure will be able to brake when it lands on Rovaniemi's single 3000m runway (which, given they are at 66 degrees north and it's winter might just be a bit, you know, slippy) and just trust that Rudolf the Fecking Red Nosed Reindeer will hang onto the tail and fly backwards to help keep down the landing roll distance. Alternatively we just go sliding of the end right through Santas bleedin' workshop whilst the engines ingest a few elves - that'll make Duwaine and Chaveera's Christmas complete won't it.

Look as well as being a little green dragon I'm also a qualified pilot (probably one of the few dragons around who actually does have a licence to flap his wings!) and I can tell you for nothing that a set of fully functioning brakes is most definitely on the Minimum Equipment List¹. Aside from keeping you on the runway when you land you do rather need them to steer the plane and also come to a nice gentle halt at the gate - piling the nose of your plane into the departures lounge like in Airplane is generally regarded as bad form.

Yes it's sad that Dweezul and Charlene didn't get to paw Santa's beard with their Sunny Delight covered hands whilst demanding mobile phones, plasma screen tellys and XBox 360s but planes "go tech" sometimes and it's annoying. The chap in the epaulettes and silly hat has thousands of hours experience in making the plane go up and down and he says it's not going you should really trust him and take it up, ideally in a civilised manner, with the tour company. However throwing your toys out of the pram and behaving worse than your offspring is kind of what you would expect these days.

Hopefully they ban this kind of pond scum from ever setting foot on an aircraft again.

Yeah... fat chance.


¹The MEL is a list of things your plane must have before you start, surprisingly functioning fuel guages aren't on it - you're supposed to know you've enough fuel to get there.

A lot of questions asked during a fire

I don't suppose we could have one of these could we Tony?

Nah, didn't think so. Mainly becuase one sniff of something like this would have the human rights lawyers swarming all over it like flies round fresh cowpoo bringing suits for "my client who can't speak English was traumatised and humiliated by this test which was in English"... tough, want to live here learn to speak the language properly, if I wanted to hear poorly articulated badly pronounced english I would ring up my bank's call centre. Also this would imply we want people coming here¹ to actually understand and participate in democracy and civil values when of course all governments actually want herds of complant sheeple who will obediently trot out every four years to vote for whoever scared them the most and just shut up and consume for the remainder of the time.

Mind you I think I would struggle to do the sample questions in the test...

Why does the United States have three branches of government?

So someone is around to spoonfeed Dubya if one branch is on holiday and the other is off sick.

Name two rights that are only for US citizens

The right to bear arms and the right to arm bears

Name two cabinet-level positions

Up on the wall or at floor level with a worksurface on top

Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence

Great omlettes are made with two eggs, not three.

What does the Constitution do

Given the rate at which the current US administration is trying to tear down every freedom in it I would suggest that it's currently propping up a wobbly table in the Oval Office.

Have a look at this interesting take on it by a bunch of nice boys from the Windy City


¹Which I'm broadly in favour of so long as you're coming to work although I would prefer it if the current malignant administration would do something to drag the workshy cnuts away from "Trisha" and into gainful employment first.