Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Bawling Fest

So we are watching the BBC's talent contest / extended 12 week advertisement for Andrew Lloyd Webber's theatre production in my house. The reason we're watching this is that Mrs Dracunculus fancies that Barrowman chap - it certainly isn't for the "talent" on show. And what is it with the crying; I mean Jesus lads, I know you're after a job in musical theatre which isn't, let's face it, the most macho profession in the world but is it really necessary to turn on the waterworks every three seconds? Oh and look I can press the red button to get the song lyrics up - hang on these guys are singing such standard tunes if you don't know the words already you do not deserve your ears and isn't the point to listen to them singing and vote for your favourite rather than turning the experience into Saturday night karaoke?

Low point was hearing Graham "Can I possibly get any gayer?" Norton announcing that the next contestant was going to do "Walking In Memphis" - ooh I like that song, can play it and everything (see - dragon of many talents here - full octave span on each paw, and I have a pretty decent baritone voice too) so I looked forward to it only to be bitterly dissapointed because they first took out all the difficult bits and he still made it sound as dirge-like as "Rock of Ages"¹; I had to go outside and breathe on some small children just to feel better.

There are two highlights though. The first of these is that I get to recalibrate my uglyometer every time Lloyd-Webber appears on screen; blimey now I'm no oil painting but there is someone who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. The second is the schadenfreude when you see some bright young things' dreams of stardom suffering a head-on collision with an 18 wheel truck full of reality. Last Saturday's was particularly pleasant as the god-botherer who all but said "I went to church and it was prophesied that I would get the part of Joseph" tripped over his bible and ended up face down in the merde. So much for the christian vote then son.

One last thing: "I close my eyes, draw back the curtain...". Is it just me or would it have been better to arse about with the drapery whist you could still, you know, see what you were doing?




¹ Speaking of which 10/10 to Russell Davies for last Saturday's episode of Dr Who, "Gridlock", which was freaking awesome - all those people (and cats) stuck in an eternal traffic jam singing hymns; absolute fucking genius!