Oh this is going to be good. Apparently an eskimo is going to come over here to tell us that we're all very bad for wanting to fly to Prague for twenty quid and that if we all don't stop it very shortly he's going to be living in a puddle instead of an igloo.

First up I see a marketing opportunity, maybe I could open a shop in Alaska selling fridges.

And hang on, he's going to come over here. How's he getting here; on the back of a whale? But wait there's more...

Nicodemus Illauq, an Inuit from northern Canada, told the gathering in Belize of representatives of Arctic peoples and island states

Belize! That would be this Belize located just north of the equator would it? What the fuck were they doing in Belize and how the hell did they get there! Penny to a pound they flew there as it's a fuck of a paddle in a kayak I can tell you.

Turns out that out fur clad friend has already written his speech so lets have a listen shall we...

Hello Mr Aqqualung... pull up a penguin and sit yourself down and do take those tennis racquets off your feet.

What happens in Britain affects us in the north. You may say that the expansion of London Stansted airport will play only a small part in increasing climate change, but everyone can say that about almost everything they do. It is an excuse for doing nothing. The result of that attitude would be catastrophic.

Our air travel contributions are a zit on an arse the size of jupiter. You would be better off going and having a word with the Chinese and Indians but I recon they would give you pretty short shrift.

Most flights from Stansted are not for an important purpose. They are mostly for holidays and leisure.

Pardon? Who the fuck are you to tell me what is and isn't important to me? Look you tosspot we work fucking hard in shitty jobs for employers who treat us like the dogshit on their shoes; those few days away in the sun or getting hammered in Bucharest are all that keeps the vast majority of us sane.

The Inuit are experiencing first- hand the adverse effects of climate change. We are on the front line of globalisation.

Tell that to all the poor fucks whose jobs have been outsourced to India.

For generations, Inuit have observed the environment and have accurately predicted weather, enabling us to travel safely on the sea-ice to hunt seals, whales, walrus, and polar bears

What do you want, a fucking medal? For years my ancestors observed the environment and predicted weather enabling them to plant and reap fields and rear sheep. Then we invented weather sattelites and the science of meteorology so we don't need those skills any more. All that statement says to me is that you're not a very advanced people. Oh and hunting whales and those nice furry seals... you are going to find out that that doesn't play well with the home crowd here, even when you say...

We don't hunt for sport or recreation. Hunters put food on the table. You go to the supermarket, we go on the sea-ice.

We used to do that too, then we invented supermarkets. Do you know why we did this? Well basically because nipping down to Tescos for a bung-it-in-the-oven lasagna is a fuck of a lot easier than crawling through the undergrowth for hours tracking some bloody deer. Now are you going to have the balls to ask your people, really ask them "Now what would you prefer: sitting freezing your arse off for hours in the hope of skewering a walrus or popping into Sainsburys for a packet of sausages?" because I bet I can tell you the answer.

When we can no longer hunt on the sea-ice, we will no longer exist as a people.

Yes you fucking will. The English no longer do maypole dancing, weave their own cloth or make motorcycles any more and still exist as a people. If you define yourself as a people only by your ability to hack whales into little bits then maybe it's time you stopped existing as a people.

Talk to hunters across the north and they will tell you the same story: the weather is increasingly unpredictable. The look and feel of the land is different. The sea-ice is changing. We have even lost experienced hunters through the ice in areas that, traditionally, were safe.

We had kind of noticed the weather is changing here too you know. Anyway I'm sure the walruses found your experienced hunters to be very tasty. Global warming kind of evens up the odds, eh, Nanook?

Several Inuit villages have already been so damaged by global warming that relocation, at the cost of hundreds of millions of dollars, is now their only option.

Well you better get relocating then hadn't you. Let me introduce you to the east coast of the UK where in some places coastal erosion has made whole communities have to relocate. There's nothing permanent about human habitation; coastlines change, rivers alter course, people move; it's what makes humans so successful as a species.

Climate change is not just a theory to us in the Arctic, it is a stark and dangerous reality.

OK so now you need a good beating with the science stick. Global Warming, or more accurately the anthropogenic theory of global warming, is as much a theory as evolution, gravity and relativity.

Some might dismiss our concerns, saying: "The Arctic is far away and few people live there." That would be immensely short-sighted, as well as callous.

The key is "few people live there". Sure it's a bit of a pisser for you but like it or not your way of life is going to have to change. You change, you adapt and you survive; fail to do so and you die. That's not being callous, that's just reality.

Polar bears, walrus, ringed seals and other species of seals are projected to virtually disappear. Our ecosystem will be transformed, with tragic results. Where will we go then for our food?

I feel more sorry for the bloody polar bears than I do for you, you whiny fuck. You can change, they have fewer options. As to where will you go for you food I refer you to the supermarkets I mentioned earlier.

Climate change in the Arctic is not just an environmental issue with unwelcome economic consequences.

I think that you'll find that it is!

It is a matter of individual and cultural survival. It is a human issue. The Arctic is our home and homeland.

Well you're just going to have to up sticks and move to the rockier bits aren't you. Look mate, my "home and homeland" is in a fucking swamp 2 metres above sea level so assuming our lovely government isn't going to see some fucking sense and stop pouring money into the black hole that is Africa and pour it into sea defences for their own citizens then at some point my "individual and cultural survival" will rely on me moving. Why the fuck are you any different?

What can Inuit - only 155,000 of us - do about this global situation?

Bugger all, quite frankly.

We are not asking the world to takes a backward economic step

I think that you'll find that's exactly what you're asking the world to do.

All we are asking is that our neighbours in the south greatly reduce their emissions of greenhouse gases.

OK, you stop murdering those cute seals and we'll see what we can do.

This does not need big sacrifices, but it will need some change in people's lifestyles. Is that plane trip really necessary?

But you don't need to change your lifestyle, right? And that plane trip might not be necessary (is yours to come here to the enquiry - you could send us a videotape but that would cut down on those photo-ops that all politicians like you love so much) but it's my money and I'll fucking decide what to do with it and wankstains like you can go and take a running jump if you think you can tell me otherwise.

Now put those stupid tennis racquets back on and piss off.