Dear President Hu

Hello Mr President. Mr President? Oh there you are down there, sorry I was expecting someone taller.

Anyway this is an open letter from us in the Fens to you about climate change. We notice with alarm that you are going to put economic development over reducing greenhouse gases which as you know are leading to global warming, superbugs, rampant botty-sex and there never being anything decent on the TV of a saturday evening.

To us living in the Fens global warming is not merely a theory, it is a cold, hard fact that nobody is allowed to argue with at all. Most of this winter it was so wet that I couldn't get to the pub without a boat Your actions in China directly affect us here in Soggy Bottom. You may say that we in the fens are far away and very few, and you would be right, but that doesn't stop us moaning and whining about our special rights to be here as we have been here since the 17th century when this cloggie came over and...

...err...

... built a load of sea defences and clever drainage channels and sluices so that what was a huge fucking mass of shifting, flooded silty marsh became useful farmland and habitable villages where the sea didn't come in the front door every winter.

Hey, if we could do it with picks and shovels and a clever Dutch guy back then think what we could do now!

Hey Mr Hu, keep on keeping on. We'll keep going with the cheapie holidays too, we might even send some of our pissed up lager louts over to you, you're missing a trick there - you should rebrand Beijing as the must-go-to stag weekend destination.