Goede Morgens Jonge

It means "Good morning lads" is Dutch. I'm getting a quick brush up on my far from l33t Dutch language skills at the moment as I nipped into an internet caff in Amsterdam to check the mail and everything is coming up in nederlands. They have just served me some very tasty chcolate brownies too and they are making me feel all light headed¹

The reason I'm in the 'Dam is I called my friend up this morning. "Best not come up until the vet has been," he said, "Maybe best to remember doglet like he was." Probably best, he was such a nice and full of life woof it would be upsetting to see him now, better to remember him how he was. He's had a stroke apparently and probably wouldn't know who I was anyway.

Fuck - there have to be a billion and one shitbags on this miserable rock who should be dead before doglet. Why can't Tony Blair be breathing his last right now.

Ah well, at least I got to spend a couple of hours wandering round Amsterdam. I haven't been here for a while, last time would have been TechEd in 2004 and I spent most of that at the RAI and only made the occasional foray into the city centre and then spent most of the time in various alcohol retailing emporia. I letf the car up at the airport where they have named all the car park areas after typically Dutch things like "Farmers Wife", "Windmill" and "Tulip" so you can remember where you're parked. I think I left mine in "Spliff" but it might have been "Brothel", it was next door to "Horseporn" I remember that much.

Speaking of such things Amsterdam round the centre seems to be precious little else these days. It was always a bit like this round the Damrak but it does seem to have increased. And blimey, you should see what the sex shops are putting in the windows these days, back when I was a student and we came here for the recreational herbs the window displays were a bit tame, these days the animal porn is in the window in a fetching display; dunno, maybe they had a sale on or something, buy two horse shagging DVDs and get a free dog one.

Christ alone knows what they keep under the counter these days.

Midget porn probably.





¹ To any law enforcement personnel or company snoops reading this, this is a joke. However I recon if I do stay here much past my half hour's alloted net time I'll be high as a kite from the secondary smoke. Coffee is good though.

Dragons on a Boat - yet again

Short trip to cloggieland this time, just for the weekend to see a friend and pick a mutual buddy from Sweden up who's spending next week in the dragon's lair (poor bastard, I haven't told him we have the builders in and the place is a tip, he just thinks he's coming to work on schooling the horse). Don't think it's going to be a fun filled weekend mind you as I was chatting with my Dutch pal earlier and his dog isn't well at all. Looks like I might be driving him down to the vets to have him put down which rates up there with root canal surgery for shitty things to happen in your day.

He's a lovely dog too, this is not going to be easy. Expect a drunken post from a tearful dragon tomorrow.

Bernard Manning. 1930 - 2007

Farewell Bernard, you ugly fucker.

His son Bernard had said on Sunday that his father's condition was improving after dialysis and he was "as bad-tempered as ever".

Excellent. Hope wherever you've gone to you're being bad tempered, grumpy as fuck, sticking two fingers up at the prevailing orthodoxy and making people laugh.

Floppy

Cornelius Lycett on BBC Radio 4 this morning:

"And the brilliant but inconsistent George Washington returns to Ascot today having flopped at stud."

Unfortunate choice of words there Cornelius.

Arise, Honorary Dragon.

I wish it to be known that, by the powers vested in my green scaly tail, that Sir Salman Rushdie has today been granted the status of Honorary Dragon.

Sir Salman (do you run that name together, like Siralan?) in recognition of his dragony status, is granted the right to set fire to dipshits who richly deserve it and may I suggest that he join me in the immolation of Pakistan's religious affairs minister, Ejaz ul-Haq.

You see by me making Sirsalman a dragon I have inflamed muslim sensibilities and it would seem that the only response a muslim has to getting upset is to blow random motherfuckers up. Can't possibly be the bomber that's responsible, no; it was that nasty dhimmi dragon that provoked him by giving that man who said nasty things about the paedophile prophet¹ a pretty plaque to hang on his wall.

Well Mr Ul-Haq you're just going to have to get used to being upset because here's one little dragon who is just going to keep oining you and your tawdry, violent religion ("religion of peace" my arse). Maybe after we've granted gongs, knighthoods and the Sacred and Noble Order of the Wombat to every fucking apostate of Islam we can find you'll have all got yourselves worked up into such a tizzy that you'll forget what colour live and neutral are and blow yourselves up with the bomb you're making.

Weren't we looking for a new day for a bank holiday just recently? What was Crusader Richard the Lionheart's birthday?


¹ One of his wives, Aisha I believe, was 11 when married and 13 when Mo first did the deed. Where I come from a man who has sex with a 13 year old is called a paedophile. Case closed.


UPDATE: Apparently he's the son of the late General Zia Ul-Haq, former military dictator of Pakistan. Now (this is true) my uncle, Derek Draco, met General Zia several times in his capacity as an arms dealer (albeit one sponsored by the UK government) and so may well have met the young Ejaz.

Should have set fire to the little fucker whilst he had the chance.

You lot can just drown

Now you do get sea-dragons, here's one of my cousins in typically grumpy mood...



Well you would be grumpy if you were perpetually wet and smelt of fish. However thanks to the useless cunts who run our country your decidedly land based green scaly chum had better start ringing round his aquatic cousins and learning how to grow some gills as it appears that our sea defences are about as defensive as a sandcastle.

Living as I do about 2 metres above sea level and close to the A1101, officially the lowest road in Britain, I have somewhat of a vested interest in flood prevention and it rankles me that the scum who lord it over us cannot be arsed to protect us properly. Sure floods happen but if their effects can be mitigated and the people responsible fail to do so then as far as I am concerned then they should be drowned, ideally in a bucket of their own vomit.

"But it would cost far too much" I keep hearing them bleat. The A1101 flooded for over 70 days this winter at Welney, partly because the environment agency didn't dredge the rivers enough and so the washes were used longer than otherwise necessary. So how much would this all cost.

£150 million. A measly one hundred and fifty million quid; for the whole fucking country! Look people that amount is a pimple on the fat arse of the amount government rapes from us under threat of prison. How much did we piss up the wall last year in foreign aid... well how about 47 million to Mozambique alone. How much did the government pay the EU in fines because they got the single farm subsidy payments late instead of having the balls to tell the EU to go fuck itself, try £305 million. So how about it, how about spending a little bit of the money to protect the people who, you know, gave it to you in the first place rather than handing it over to people who didn't?

Yeah, thought so.

Cunts.

About time too

An online petition is calling for the McCanns to be investigated over the disappearance of their rugrat. What is pathetic is that it takes someone organising an online petition before someone will actually do anything but at least the questions are starting to be asked.

On their return to the Algarve on Tuesday from Morocco, Gerry and Kate McCann of Rothley, Leicestershire, say they will have a period of reflection before deciding on their next step.

Remember what I said about the media turning on you? Well it's starting to happen so my recommendation is that after you have your "period of reflection" you quietly drop off the radar and skulk back to England with your tails firmly between your legs.

You might also consider going back to doing the jobs for which you have been paid out of my taxes.

Petard: See "Hoist by one's own"

So does he try to leave office with some sort of dignity? Well he never had any when in office so why are we not surprised when, after having manipulated the media for the length of his premiership, spun, found good days for "burying bad news" and taken it up the arse from the likes of scumbags like Rupert Murdoch in return for an easy ride from The Sun on the run up to election time he should get all uppity now the media don't like him...

I need to say some preliminaries at the outset. This is not my response to the latest whacking from bits of the media. It is not a whinge about how unfair it all is. As I always say, it's an immense privilege to do this job and if the worst that happens is harsh media coverage, it's a small price to pay.

Not a whinge eh Tony, well it walks like a duck, talks like a duck... And anyway the worst that happens is, with any luck, you will be up before a war crimes tribunal.

A free media is a vital part of a free society. You only need to look at where such a free media is absent to know this truth. But it is also part of freedom to be able to comment on the media. It has a complete right to be free. I, like anyone else, have a complete right to speak.

I think he was hoping that people with their goldfish-like attention spans would have forgotten about this bit of the speech when later on he said

...The regulatory framework at some point will need revision...
...But under the new European regulations all television streamed over the internet may be covered by OFCOM...
...I do believe this relationship between public life and media is now damaged in a manner that requires repair...

So not such a complete right to be free at all then.

It is that the relationship between politics, public life and the media is changing as a result of the changing context of communication in which we all operate; no-one is at fault - it is a fact; but it is my view that the effect of this change is seriously adverse to the way public life is conducted; and that we need, at the least, a proper and considered debate about how we manage the future, in which it is in all our interests that the public is properly and accurately informed.

Ah of course, we need a debate. Tony, your government does not do debates, you don't trust us (quite rightly) to give the right answers so you lie, cheat, pretend that debate has been had, ignore 2,000,00o signatures on a petition against road pricing or 2,000,000 people marching against the war as "unrepresentative of public opinion". Hell's donkeys only today we have Tessa Jowell saying about the piece of shite that is the Olympic logo "It's staying no matter what you think, so fuck you!" so don't give me this debate bollocks. What you mean is "you bastards in the fourth estate are really chapping my balls now you caught us with our pants down yet again so we're coming for you, you wankers."

We paid inordinate attention in the early days of New Labour to courting, assuaging, and persuading the media ... but such an attitude ran the risk of fuelling the trends in communications that I am about to question.

God he's such a weasel he could just turn up at Anthrocon and all the furs would go "Wow! great weasel costume!" So you threw fuel on the media fire and now you're all upset 'cos you got burnt. I'll just send the for waaaahbulance shall I?

I would only point out that the Hutton Inquiry (along with 3 other inquiries) was a six month investigation in which I as Prime Minister and other senior Ministers and officials faced unprecedented public questioning and scrutiny. The verdict was disparaged because it was not the one the critics wanted.

No, it was disparaged because it was obvious to every life form from amoebae upwards that it was a complete and utter whitewash you mendacious cunt.

We devote reams of space to debating why there is so much cynicism about politics and public life. In this, the politicians are obliged to go into self flagellation, admitting it is all our fault.

Of course it is your fault. You are the ones doing the lying, cheating, covering up and pissing our taxes up the wall. You are the ones saying "let's have a debate" and ignoring what people tell you. You are the ones promising referenda and then not holding them when it becomes obvious that the people are going to give the "wrong" answer. The press are reporting this, and they are doing it more efficiently and we are becoming more cynical more efficiently too.

And, believe it or not, most politicians come into public life with a desire to serve and by and large, try to do the right thing not the wrong thing.

Actually I am prepared to believe you there. I would however question how long they are in the job before the drug of power overcomes them and they become the venial, self serving pustules on the arse of humanity that they all seem to be.

My view is that the real reason for the cynicism is precisely the way politics and the media today interact.

Absolutely true. Like I said, you lot lie and cheat, the press reports this, we all get cynical and don't believe a fucking word you say. Wouldn't you agree Tony?

We, in the world of politics, because we are worried about saying this, play along with the notion it is all our fault.

Obviously not.

So I introduced: first, lobby briefings on the record; then published the minutes; then gave monthly press conferences; then Freedom of Information

This would be the freedom of information legislation that you're trying to exempt yourselves from would it? Just asking, not being cynical or anything.

None of it to any avail, not because these things aren't right, but because they don't deal with the central issue: how politics is reported.

No Tony, none of these work because again these are just more talking shops where you hand down the latest diktat to the proles. People don't listen because they are sick and tired of you continuing to bullshit them.

If you are a backbench MP today, you learn to give a press release first and a good Parliamentary speech second... The sooner we recognise this, the better because we can then debate a sensible way forward.

There's that debate we're going to have, just as soon as we 'fess up that it's not the politicians' fault of course.

[The Media] are not the masters of this change but its victims. The result is a media that increasingly and to a dangerous degree is driven by "impact". Impact is what matters. ... It is this necessary devotion to impact that is unravelling standards, driving them down, making the diversity of the media not the strength it should be but an impulsion towards sensation above all else.

Ah this is clever. See what he did there. It is the media's fault because they are, of course, partly in the entertainment business and driven by a need to make sales and hence profits. But you see we can't blame them because they are victims. In Blair's Britain everyone has to be a victim of some kind because victims need help, help from the state; we'll do your thinking for you, don't you worry.

News is rarely news unless it generates heat as much as or more than light. Second, attacking motive is far more potent than attacking judgement. It is not enough for someone to make an error. It has to be venal. Conspiratorial.

Problem is Tony you and your coterie of fuckers would never, ever admit to a mistake. It could never be your fault. When did you last see anyone from NuLabour stick their hands up and go "OK, I fucked up, I'll resign" So with that in mind we are forced to question motive.

I'll skip bit about the "feral beast" if you don't mind as it was just a bit of window dressing to get a headline and doesn't really add anything to what he was saying. Instead we'll jump forward a couple of paragraphs to:

So - for example - there will often be as much interpretation of what a politician is saying as there is coverage of them actually saying it. In the interpretation, what matters is not what they mean; but what they could be taken to mean.

Well if it were possible for any of you to actually say something clearly without spin or obfuscation then this would not be necessary. When your government habitually tells half truths and open lies can you blame people for actually trying to work out what you actually mean when one of you opens their festering gobs?

This leads to the incredibly frustrating pastime of expending a large amount of energy rebutting claims about the significance of things said, that bears little or no relation to what was intended.

Tough titties, reap the whirlwind.

Comment is a perfectly respectable part of journalism. But it is supposed to be separate. Opinion and fact should be clearly divisible. The truth is a large part of the media today not merely elides the two but does so now as a matter of course.

Leaving aside for the moment that the concept of "truth" is something completely alien to you Tony and which you would not recognise if it stuffed a spiked horse dildo down your throat this is, with respect, utter crap. News is always written with some form of opinion or bias, no matter how small and it always has been. The simple choice of words gives a news story a slant. You were in law once, when you were in court I'll bet you picked your words carefully to slant the "facts" in the direction to show your client in the best possible light. Journalist and news editors are no different and never were; something to do with being human I think.

The metaphor for this genre of modern journalism is the Independent newspaper. Let me state at the outset it is a well-edited lively paper and is absolutely entitled to print what it wants, how it wants, on the Middle East or anything else.

That Robert Fisk must really, really piss you of, eh Tony?

The final consequence of all of this is that it is rare today to find balance in the media.

Translation: The media are not saying what I want them to say, therefore they are biased.

"Some good, some bad"; "some things going right, some going wrong": these are concepts alien to today's reporting. It's a triumph or a disaster. A problem is "a crisis". A setback is a policy "in tatters". A criticism, "a savage attack"

"Look I keep putting out press releases saying how wonderful things are and you never print them. Why don't you like me any more?"

Talk to any public service leader - especially in the NHS or the field of law and order - and they will tell you not that they mind the criticism, but they become totally demoralised by the completely unbalanced nature of it.

No, try talking to the people who actually work in the NHS or in Law and Order and they will tell you that they are totally demoralised by the constant meddling from government and endless, idiotic tick-the-box targets whose only purpose is for you to spin the next "best year ever" story to... the media!

It used to be thought - and I include myself in this - that help was on the horizon. New forms of communication would provide new outlets to by-pass the increasingly shrill tenor of the traditional media.

Ah yes, but they went and gave those new outlets to the very people you had been shafting all these years and so not surprisingly...

In fact, the new forms can be even more pernicious, less balanced, more intent on the latest conspiracy theory multiplied by five.

Yep, we all turned on you and gave you a bloody good shoeing as well.

At present, we are all being dragged down by the way media and public life interact. Trust in journalists is not much above that in politicians. There is a market in providing serious, balanced news. There is a desire for impartiality.

And your evidence for the above is?

And there is inevitably change on its way. The regulatory framework at some point will need revision. The PCC is for traditional newspaper publishing. OFCOM regulate broadcasting, except for the BBC, which largely has its own system of regulation. But under the new European regulations all television streamed over the internet may be covered by OFCOM. As the technology blurs the distinction between papers and television, it becomes increasingly irrational to have different systems of accountability based on technology that no longer can be differentiated in the old way. The distinction between balance required of broadcasters but not of papers remains valid. But at some point the system is going to change and the importance of accuracy will not diminish, whilst the freedom to comment remains.

You read it here first folks. I will bet you a pound to a penny that in the very near future the first rumblings of regulating newspapers will come creeping out of Westminster. You will have to be "balanced" which, of course, means "print what we say". And after the papers, they'll come for the blogs.

It is sometimes said that the media is accountable daily through the choice of readers and viewers. That is true up to a point. But the reality is that the viewers or readers have no objective yardstick to measure what they are being told.

And the "Objective" view is of course whatever NuLab tells you it is.

I am not in a position to determine this one way or another.

Not after the 27th you're not.

I do believe this relationship between public life and media is now damaged in a manner that requires repair.

"You are enemies of the state, you will be regulated against."

The damage saps the country's confidence and self-belief; it undermines its assessment of itself, its institutions; and above all, it reduces our capacity to take the right decisions, in the right spirit for our future.

You are an impediment to what Tony wants to do which is always the "right decision" of course. All the guff about "country" and "institutions" is balls, what he means is "You lot have rumbled the fact that my government is a lying, corrupt bunch of slimeballs and wankers and so I'm going to make sure you let get fucked over."

What an evil little twat he is. Him and his sorry excuse for a government can't go fast enough

And the award for moron of the decade goes to...

If you were in any doubt that religion completely and utterly fucks you up then please go and read this unmitigated stream of rhinocerous puke.

A sample, dear reader.

I’m in great pain, but my illness is someting very beautiful. I feel it as the love of Christ. I am given compunction and I give thanks to God. It is on account of my sin. I am sinful and God is trying to purify me ... When I was sixteen years old I asked God to give me a serious illness, a cancer, so that I would suffer for His love and glorify Him through my pain.

How utterly fucked up in the head do you have to be to wantcancer? I mean this makes all those whiny little goth kids who cut themselves in their bedrooms look like paladins of mental stability.

Bloody hell I so want to set this twat on fire but the trouble is he's bleeding well like it. What makes it worse is this rabid shite is on a site holding this wanker up as an example.

I am not taking medicines, nor did I go for surgery, not even for tests, nor will I accept surgery. I will leave God to sort things out.

There's a fine example to set to someone with a disease. Yay! Rot with me! The big beardy bloke will sort it out and if he doesn't well you just didn't pray / grovel / wipe your arse the right way. Hell the "Pro Ana" sites have hgot nothing on these shaved monkeys, they're on a different planet let alone a different league.

I did pop up a comment telling them what a bunch of evil cunts they were. Can't imagine it will stay there very long but it might generate some interesting hate mail and /or prayers for my immortal soul.

UPDATE: To be fair to the godblog the comment not only stayed up the author responded. Sure the response is your typical "You are in error" shite the sanctimonious cunts always come out with but I figure whilst she's busy occupied trying to save my charred and blackened soul she's not out poisoning someone less able to fight back.

Here is the news

Today's news... Paris Hilton is cheap and talentless, Workers are being exploited to make chinese olympic tat

Also, Vatican confirms the Pope remains faithful to the doctrines of the Church of Rome and a bear in the woods said "do you mind, I'm trying to have a dump."

First they came for the smokers...

... and I did not speak out, for I was not a smoker.
Then they came for the drinkers,
and the little green dragon finished that nice bottle of Barolo,
fired up the lappy and went positively apeshit.

I fucking hate this fucking government. I mean just who fuck do they think they are.

Look you cunts, I will make this perfectly clear to you. This is my body, mine. Not yours. It is not the property of the fucking state. If I want to stick chemicals into it so that it explodes that might not be very wise but it's my choice so to do. I won't even be a burden on your crappy heath service (hey, I have some respect for my body and really don't fancy coming home with a free bonus c.difficile infection) as I have private medical insurance, and I still have to pay the NHS jizya tax.

So for you twats to go and tell me that I shouldn't be having a glass or two of wine of an evening, and more start having a go at a respectable business trying to offer me a decent deal on this perfectly legal product (which incidentally you have no problem in taxing) is indicative of the level of presumption that I have only come to expect from wankstains like you. Listen, Mr Denham, a retailer does not have to be "responsible" in the "light of the Government's alcohol strategy", Tesco's responsibility is to its shareholders (including me) and to its customers (ditto) and not to whatever Blair has farted out of his scabby arse this week. The concept of "freedom" just passed cunts like you by didn't it. And get some balls, Mr Tesco Man, if someone is buying five tins of SMA every week, why the fuck shouldn't you send them a voucher; you were far to nice to that NuLabour creep, you should have stabbed him in the arse. I'll cut you a bit of slack though because Mrs Dracunculus got a fiver off the shopping yesterday thanks to the clubcard vouchers.

You know what I'm going to do next week. I'm going to get into my nice big polluting 4x4, drive to France and fill it with as much wine as I want (and fill up on cheap diesel whilst I'm there). Then I'm going to drive back and wave my big dragony dick at the customs men as I come through Dover. Lots of nice wine for the dragon to drink and not a penny piece to NuLabs coffers.

Fuck the lot of you.

Mocking the afflicted

Apparently some comedian has told Gordon Brown that he needs to get himself a joke.

He's already got one. Its called "The Labour Government".

Unfortunately a joke at our expense and one getting very tired after having been told for the last ten years.

McCanns on Tour

Well if you have a nice Gulfstream at your disposal it would be a shame not to use it.

Apparently they are on Crimewatch tonight to make an appeal to those people who won't report a crime until that nice Nick Ross has spoken about it on the telly. Here's a still from the programme...



They are not stupid though and if you look a little closer at that t-shirt they've found a good marketing opportunity...



Bargain at only £39.99 plus vat, available in small, medium, large, extra-large, humongous and Kate-McCann's-ability-to-believe-in-miracles sizes.

I notice that the rot has started to set in. The German media, always among the first to call a spade ein spaten have started to ask the question that has been niggling away at the back of a lot of people's minds. Methinks the McCanns are about to find out that the press are interested in one thing alone and that is shifiting units and if they can shift a few more by now making you the bad guys then that's what they'll do.

Can't wait.

Souvenir "I went to Portugal and all I lost was my kid" baseball cap anyone?

Your tax dollars at work (in the service of Allah)

This is just so wrong on so many levels that I barely know where to start. Let's leave aside for the moment that there isn't and never can be "moderate" Islam¹ just what the flying fuck is my government doing using my fucking taxes to spread a religion, let alone the most reactionary, backward, evil religions mankind has ever farted out of his arse!

At a conference on Islam, Mr Blair also called for closer links between Islamic schools and mainstream state schools.

No, what you should be doing is making sure that there are no Islamic schools (or Jewish or Christian ones). Stick everyone together and take God(s) out of the equation and we might stand a fucking chance of not having a bunch of indoctrinated kids who will be trying to destroy anyone who doesn't mutilate their children's genitals in the correctly divinely prescribed method.

Mr Blair said British politicians must listen harder to the "calm voice of moderation and reason" of the majority of the country's Muslims.

Wrong again! What our spineless politicians should be saying to self appointed religious spokesmen of any stripe is "Fuck you. We're a secular country and if you think we're going to take your brand of dark-ages fairy tale into consideration when making policy then you are in for a motherfucking surprise."

"The voices of extremism are no more representative of Islam than the use in times gone by of torture to force conversion to Christianity represented the teachings of Christ."

Oh that's fucking rich. I think you'll find that the only people forcibly converting people to their religion now are the members of the "religion of peace". You might want to have a browse over at Dhimmi Watch, they usually post a new "No compulsion in religion" story from around the world two or three times a week.

The extra £1m was to go to British universities which teach Islamic studies courses - which were important to challenge extremism.

I don't suppose that we could have spent that extra million on universities that teach stuff like engineering or medicine, you know, things that aren't fairytales and are actually useful? No, guess that would be elitist and not the way we do things in bliars beutiful britian any more would it.

Dr Ataullah Siddiqui said teaching of Islam in English universities was based on "out-of-date and irrelevant issues".

Of course it is, you're teaching Islam you fuckwit. How much more out of date and irrelevant can you get!

Tony, when one of these Islamonutters whose been on one of your "moderate Islam" courses blows something up in a couple of years I trust that you will do the decent thing and throw yourself off a bridge in front of the relatives of the dead.








¹ Go and actually read the Koran and the Hadith if you don't believe me - you're either in the Dar al Islam or the "House of War" and if you're in the latter then you are an enemy of Islam, no ifs or buts.

What our Olympic Brand says to the world.

Fucking Hell.

I think what is is saying is "Ohhh shit... we've dropped it and it's broken!" which is appropriate as given the utter fucked-upness of this country it's what we're going to do to the Olympics as they crumble under us trying to be everything to every-fucking-body, deperate not to offend anyone, make sure everyone is included whether they want to be at not and not managing to finish any of the venues in time. We did it big-stylie with the dome, what on earth makes us think the Olympics are going to be different.

To be fair if there were medals for bullshit Sebastian Cow would be in the running for a podium finish.

"It will define the venues we build and the Games we hold and act as a reminder of our promise to use the Olympic spirit to inspire everyone and reach out to young people around the world.

"We will host a Games where everyone is invited to join in because they are inspired by the Games to either take part in the many sports, cultural, educational and community events leading up to 2012 or they will be inspired to achieve personal goals."

What the fuck are you smoking Seb? It looks like a broken fucking floor tile! How in the name of Jesus Christ on a pogo stick is that going to inspire anyone to take part in sport. Yep as soon as I saw that abortion the first thing I wanted to do was strap on a pair of Reebocks I can tell you. Dear gods the pond-spawn they have on "The Apprentice" could come up with something more imaginative.

"It's not a logo, it's a brand that will take us forward for the next five years," he told BBC Five Live.

It's a fucking logo you moron. A logo, a design or icon representing an entity, from the Greek logos meaning "word". It also doesn't seem to have wheels or a motive power source so how is it going to take you anywhere?

"It won't be to be eveybody's taste immediately

You're fucking right there, sunshine.

but it's a brand that we genuinely believe can be a hard working brand which builds on pretty much everything we said in Singapore about reaching out and engaging young people, which is where our challenge is over the next five years. "If we don't that, then frankly the whole project is unsustainable."

No, your challenge is to make sure that there is water in the pool and sand in the long-jump pit come 2012 and that the athletes are not all living in fucking tents in Hyde Park. Quite frankly the "yoof"'s interest in sport pretty much begins and ends with who Wayne Rooney has shagged this week and making a logo looking like a bit of street graffiti isn't going to change that.

For the first time the same logo will be used for both the Olympic and Paralympic Games.

That's appropriate, because it looks like it was designed by a spaz differently able person.

Prime Minister Tony Blair said:

Oh Jesus now I am going to throw up.

"We want London 2012 not just to be about elite sporting success.

No you wanker, that is just what we want it to be about, it's a fucking sporting event where the best in the world compete.

"When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life.

Is wanting to set fire to everyone in the advertising agency and UK Olympic committee a positive change because that's all it has inspired me to do.

"London 2012 will be a great sporting summer but will also allow Britain to showcase itself to the world."

Oh god, I was afraid about that. We are going to look so fucking stupid in 5 years.

Last word has to go to everyone's favourite newt-molester, Ken Livingstone.

"The new Olympic brand draws on what London has become - the world's most forward-looking and international city.

No, it draws upon what London and indeed England has become. A tawdry, third rate country where spin is valued above substance, where celebrity is worshipped above people who actually achieve anything, where we've so lost our sense of national identity in the blender of multi-cultural-all-inclusive-moral-relative-diversity bullshit that, so desperate aree we to come up with something that doesn't offend anyone we've managed to produce something that says nothing and offends everyone by being so utterly, irredeemably shit.

I despair, truly I do.

Dear President Hu

Hello Mr President. Mr President? Oh there you are down there, sorry I was expecting someone taller.

Anyway this is an open letter from us in the Fens to you about climate change. We notice with alarm that you are going to put economic development over reducing greenhouse gases which as you know are leading to global warming, superbugs, rampant botty-sex and there never being anything decent on the TV of a saturday evening.

To us living in the Fens global warming is not merely a theory, it is a cold, hard fact that nobody is allowed to argue with at all. Most of this winter it was so wet that I couldn't get to the pub without a boat Your actions in China directly affect us here in Soggy Bottom. You may say that we in the fens are far away and very few, and you would be right, but that doesn't stop us moaning and whining about our special rights to be here as we have been here since the 17th century when this cloggie came over and...

...err...

... built a load of sea defences and clever drainage channels and sluices so that what was a huge fucking mass of shifting, flooded silty marsh became useful farmland and habitable villages where the sea didn't come in the front door every winter.

Hey, if we could do it with picks and shovels and a clever Dutch guy back then think what we could do now!

Hey Mr Hu, keep on keeping on. We'll keep going with the cheapie holidays too, we might even send some of our pissed up lager louts over to you, you're missing a trick there - you should rebrand Beijing as the must-go-to stag weekend destination.