Thursday, June 16, 2011

Slow Motion Train Wrecks

The first of these happened between 5 and 6 pm yesterday when Labour leader Ed Milliband for some utterly unfathomable reason decided to get "hip" and "down" with the youth and host a "Ask Ed Milliband" session on microblogging site Twitter (follow me! go on, there's a little button over there on the left). Now if you're not on Twitter you might not know that generally the posts on there tend to lean more to the left than the right so do doubt some fresh faced SpAd* in Millipede's office thought that this would be a wizard wheeze for Red Ed and he'd get a nice smooth ride.

Wrong. Very Very Wrong.

What followed was everyone, nicely anonymous, proceeded to fire of a metric fuckton of generally witty put-down questions poking holes in the pretentious prat who was no doubt expecting fawning questions along the lines of "Why are you so brilliant and the nasty Tories so rotten at everything?" Generally speaking we really don't like politicians, especially when they make such obvious faux "engage with the people" stunts as this so what he got was more along these lines:

  • "If a train leaves Paddington at 1136, carrying 200 commuters, what time will the RMT bring it to a standstill?"
  • "Where did Ed Balls touch you? Show us on the doll."
  • "Was Brutus an honourable man? Discuss."
  • "If you fell through a crack in the universe would anyone notice?"
  • "Lenin or Trotsky?"

And my favourite, which I retweeted "How would you solve the Kobayashi Maru scenario"

After answering six or seven questions and managing to lie on one of them (he claimed to have not voted for Labours' planned 90 day detention whereas he supported it fully) he buggered off, probably to fire the SpAd who came up with the idea in the first place.

And speaking of firing brings me nicely along to the second train wreck of the evening. my guilty pleasure** of the schadenfreude which is "The Apprentice". Now if you've never watched this show what happens is that they pick twelve or so of the most loathsome "young enterpeneurs" they could corrall into a cage and then arm them with knives and the one with the most sticking out of their back at the end of the programme is declared the loser and is ritually humiliated by a man who gave the world shitty cheap lousy sounding HiFi systems and the em@ailer - a device so utterly pointless you really do wonder how nobody actually said "Er Alan... about this souped up telephone, you do realise that it's a pile of crocodile shit don't you?" to him at any point.

Anyway last nights episode was poetry in motion as one of the more loathsome charcoal-grey suited cretins, the one they are bigging up into the series bad-guy steered his team to spectacular defeat by not only creating a magazine more offensive and patronising than the rival's team mid 90's eaa "Loaded" rip off but proceeded to cock up the "sell ad space" bit of the task by failing to do that most basic of business activities, negotiating on the price. "He's gone," says Mrs Dragon as he gets hauled into the boardroom and poked by Lordsugar, "He has to go, his mag idea, his design, he lost the sale"

"Not a chance, he's here to the interview stage, he's this season's Tre Azam, the series baddy, they'll keep him in"

And they did. The Apprentice is a pure entertainment show, they don't even make a pretence at it being fair and you know damned well the winner has been selected before the cameras begin to roll on episode one.

Oh and the real kicker this year is that Lordsugar (I preferred Siralan) has had enough of employing the winning numpty and this year is giving the winner £250,000 to start their own business. But even accounting for the fact that £250,000 isn't actually a whole load of money these days to start any sort of business that needs any kind of capital spend up front it's not all cold, hard cash because the quarter million is in "cash and value" and I'm guessing the "value" is several hours of Lordsugars time (charged at 500 quid an hour) so the winner can benefit from his massive business brain.

The winner might want to take a long hard look at that e-m@ailer before he or she uses that "value" part of the deal


* Special Adviser: basically some young spotty gopher who one day wants to become a real politician and make shitloads of money off mine and your backs. They should all be rounded up and shot.

** Along with the Eurovision Song Contest, riding bareback and collecting 80's era digital synthesizers.

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