Ohhh now I'm mad. The stench that these wankers bring to the human collective is almost too much to bear...
Campaigners say patio heaters emit too much CO2 People are being told to wear jumpers instead of relying on patio heaters, in an attempt to cut carbon emissions.
The Energy Saving Trust has urged retailers to stop selling the heaters after a report suggesting their use will almost double over the next year.
And I have the urge to contribute to global warming by burning down your offices and everyone in them you bunch of mendacious, fascist killjoys. But especially this man.
Chief executive Philip Sellwood said: "Why don't people just wear a jumper?"
Why don't you just crawl into a hole and die you twat. Look you slimy excuse for a life form, let me explain this to you. Human civilization has been one long process of increasing the common weal, making life easier, more comfortable and generally better. We have a word for this, it's called "progress". We don't hunt for food any more because we have supermarkets;
as I explained to Nanook of the North when he was grumbling about his igloo turning into a puddle supermarkets are an improvement on crawling through the woods with a spear on the trail of Bambi. Someone once said the mark of how advanced a civilization was was the distance it had put between people and their shit. Thus it is that we now have patio heaters which make life just that little bit better that sticking on a cable knit woolly pully (or at least less of a style crime). If cunts like you had had their way we'd all still be huddled up in mastodon furs trying to make stone tools in the dark.
Half of owners switched theirs on during the hottest months of the year, July and August.
Of course they do; it's a way of extending a nice summer evening outside into twilight when it starts to get chilly. People aren't probably using these much in December when it's pissing down and freezing cold as they don't spend time in the garden then.
Mr Sellwood said: "We are calling for responsible retailers to reconsider the sale of patio heaters in light of the substantial amount of carbon emissions they produce."
And I'm sure the responsible retailers will all have been saying "Fuck you". Look they are there to make a profit for their shareholders (like me) and if they are not latching onto and servicing a growing market and thus generating revenue then there are going to be some awkward questions being asked at the AGM, and they're probably going to be being asked by a small green dragon.
It is thought that the recently imposed smoking ban in enclosed public places in England will lead to more outdoor smoking and an increase in commercial patio heaters.
Mr Sellwood said: "People are also influencing the larger, more damaging commercial sector, with a third of pub-goers choosing pubs where there is a patio heater.
"Landlords are helping to make patio heaters desirable - which they are not."
Some 31% of people who responded to the survey said they liked to sit outside pubs and would choose one with outdoor heating.
Yay... the law of unintended consequences strikes again. You make smoking inside illegal, people go to smoke outside, mine host installs a patio heater to cater for this important part of his clientèle and said clientèle say "hey, these are good, I want one".
Last month, London Mayor Ken Livingstone called for a halt in the spread of "wasteful" patio heaters and urged retailers not to promote them.
Tell you what you newt-loving freak, you stand right there next to Phil, I'll take a deep breath and you can both experience some local warming up to around 2500 Kelvin.
I don't have a patio heater but this weekend I'm off to FocusBandQBase and I'm going to buy the biggest fuck off patio heater I can just to watch your impotent little faces contort in disgust and humiliation when I fire it up because all you can do is bleat at me as to what a bad dragon I am and there is nothing, nothing your blackened little joyless souls can do to stop me.
