Bent

Ooooh! New toys to play with at the dragon's lair. The nice people at Robinsons Equestrian send me a shiny new numnah - that's a special sort of cloth padded thing you put under a horses' saddle if you're not a horsey person - so on Saturday I try it out. All goes well for about half an hour but, in the manner of those "Countdown to Disaster" programmes you see on the Discovery Channel all is not well under the surface...

"30 seconds to disaster. Sunshine has been exercising for twenty seven minutes" says the narrator, probably that chap who does the voice over for Bob the Builder, "and she's getting sweaty. The sweat is starting to interfere with the numnah" whizzy zoom to computer graphic of blue bubbles rising from horses' back.

"20 seconds, Dragon opens the throttles and asks for a canter" cut to chariot race scene lifted from Ben Hur because we're doing the program on the cheap

"5 seconds, Sunshine enters the top corner of the meneage, the lateral forces are too much for the sweaty ProLite numnah and the saddle begins to rotate around Sunshine's tummy.

"Zero Seconds.... aaaaarrrrggg... crunch..... ooooh fucking hell I bet that hurts"

Yes it does. However in true horseman fashion I get the saddle off her (now completely upside down), get her back to her stable and wander off in search of Mrs D who I ask to check to see if I've broken anything... at which point I slide down the wall.

There are these blue flashing lights and three men in green uniforms.

I get myself onto a chair and they ask me lots of questions and make me wave my arms about and have a good old listen. From what they can see it looks as though I've probably cracked a couple of ribs.

"Well we can take you to hospital if you like" they say. "But you'll just end up sat around A&E, some doctor will look at you, they won't x-ray you or strap you up or anything and you'll be told to go home and take ibuprofen."

Marvellous, your NHS at work.

"Right we need you to answer some questions and sign a release if you're not coming with us"

This is fine, I tell them that I'm an avid follower of Tom's ambulance driver blog so I know the form.

"I'll get the computer" and indeed this ruggedised lappy shows up on which the paramedic starts tapping various check boxes and buttons. I get to play at one point with a button choice of my own which looks like this...

How do you feel?

  O  O         O   O         O    O        X    X
                              ____
 \____/        _____         /    \         ----

 Happy      Not so Great    Like Shit       Dead

Last time I saw something that inane it was on the wall of a bog in a motorway service station and asking my opinion on the cleanliness of the facilities. Are people really that thick they have to be show a smiley / frowny face to rate their pain score?

Either way 10/10 for the ambulance and paramedic crew who were really good (even though you missed your ORCON target... I won't tell!) and my doctor who I have seen once in the three years I've lived here and who could not see me today but left a load of diclofenac and paracodiene for me to pick up without even seeing him.

Sunshine? She's just fine!