Hakuna Matata, Joka

OK so I get the "we're going to put all your medical records on a big central computer" letter through the post and buried away at the bottom is the "How to opt out" link, so not wanting Big Brother to have the information about my wierd knee problem when aged 12 at their fingertips I go online and download the form. Of course said form is two pages of "No really, don't opt out, it's perfectly safe from hackers (yeah, right) and the government doesn't have access (yeah, double right)" but it gets filled in and I'll get Mrs Dracunculus to drop the forms in at the GPs surgery when she next goes up for her collection of pills and potions.

Then I see you can get the form in Turkish, Urdu, Arabic and another 20 languages including this one...



Guessed what it is yet? No? OK it's Kiswahil. I kid you not. My fucking taxes are going to have this fucking jolly form plus go knows what else translated into the fucking language they used in "Daktari".

Jesus sodding Christ on a pogo-stick. There's no fucking wonder that Calais is stuffed full of people trying to paddle across the channel on li-lo. Don't worry, you don't have to have contributed a single cunting penny boys, we'll treat whatever you have and here's a bunch of stuff in your own language so you don't need to even trouble yourself learning ours.

And the icing on the cake... take a look who gave the form a seal of approval:



The Plain English Campaign... I swear you could not make this stuff up.