Blobby, Blobby, Blobby

Thar she blows Capt'n - 'tis the great white whale lardarse of Wallsend

Ye Gods this is just so fucked up on so many levels I really don't know what to set fire to first.

Where the hell is it written that you can take someone's kids off them because they're fat! I know our Beloved Leader has got a bee in his bonnet about us all having crappy diets but who went and instigated the Lard Police when I wasn't looking. What next, you can be taken into "protective custody" because you've just wiped your arse in a non government-approved manner? Look I've met cookoos with better parenting skills than those of Master Gutbucket here but it we start taking every kid whose parents couldn't parent their way out of a wet paper bag then we'd have a children's home crisis that would make the prison places fiasco look like, well like a prison places fiasco.

Speaking of the parents, hell you couldn't make this stuff up:

Ms McKeown, 35, told the BBC: "Connor had a mouthful of apple once and he didn't like it. "He refuses to eat fruit, vegetables and salads - he has processed foods. When Connor won't eat anything else, I've got to give him the foods he likes. I can't starve him."

He weighs nearly 100 kilos you stupid cuntstain! How the fucking fuck is he going to "starve" if he misses a meal or eight? Also if he liked sticking his knob in the electrical socket because he "liked it" would you let him because "you have to do what he likes". Course you wouldn't! Keep serving up apples and nothing else to the blubbery cunt for a few days and I guarantee that after the first couple of tantrums he'll be so fucking hungry he'd be wolfing down granny smiths at a rate that would make my horse envious. You've got a spoilt little brat on your hands Ms McKeown and you need to remind him who is boss.

As for Connor McFatgit... how about we kill a whole flock of birds with one stone; we float him off the coast of Japan, they harpoon him instead of a whale, everyone happy.

"From Hell's heart I stab at thee" (but as you're so fat it's not making much of an impression)