When Christmas Decorations Attack

Just for the record I absolutely fucking hate Christmas (but then again I fucking hate everything) and I utterly, utterly loathe those people who festoon their house in sodding light bulbs sometime in November in what they think is a marvellous son et lumiere tribute to the Son Of Man but in reality is a LED shitstorm of cheap tackyness.

However over on The Paramedic's Diary I read a wonderful story of one chavtastic disfunctional family who probably won't be draining the National Grid with their blinking cack next year...

Then a 2am call came in for an 18 year-old who’d fallen thirteen floors after an argument with his mother... I could see the ambulance inside a small courtyard below a very tall block of flats. It was eerily quiet as I approached the figures standing around the crew... They were looking down at the body of a young man - he lay like a starfish, arms outstretched, on the concrete. Blood had gathered in a think dark pool under his head. His eyes were shut and he was very still.

So what had caused this tragedy?

The boy had argued with his mother about a trivial matter. He had a habit of climbing over the balcony of the flat and standing on a thin ledge on the other side, holding onto the balcony itself. From there he would threaten to jump. It was emotional nonsense and he never carried out his threat, so when he did it again tonight, nobody in the flat took him seriously.

His fatal mistake was to hold onto the Christmas lights that were wound round the balcony on the outside. He used the tubular light strip for support but it came away in his hands and he simply slipped down it, like he’d grabbed a greasy rope. I looked over the balcony and the light strip was waving about in the wind, flashing happily away. Far below it was the body of the boy who’d used it to threaten his loved ones.

Awesome! Truly world class fuckwittery! This guy surely is a shoo-in for The Darwin Awards. I do love it when twats like this do themselves in as it saves me having to breathe on the fuckers. I nearly pissed myself laughing.

The only downside to this is I feel sorry for the poor bastards who had to scrape him up off the pavement. If I were in charge Stuart and his colleagues would have been able to chuck him in the bins round the back of the flats.

Do go and read the whole thing - I defy you to keep a straight face.

And don't eat too many nuts. See you in the new year.

The other Lapland sounded funnier.

By now you must have seen the story about the craptastic "Lapland Experience" down in the New Forest and probaly if you are like me you had a giggle at the mural, the log cabins that were just garden sheds painted green and what has to be the best quote ever on the BBC's website...

"One of the elves got smacked in the face and pushed in a pram."

I would gladly have stumped up the 25 quid just to see an elf get worked over. Pointy eared bastards.

Anyway it turns out that there is a "proper" Lapland theme park somewhere down in Kent that is at great pains to point out that their Tunnel Of Light is more than just a couple of fairy lights in a tree and so our pals at Pravda went over and did a road test.

Mind you I think for shits and giggles the one that got closed down sounds funnier, this one just sounds barf-inducing.

An information board at the entrance explains the "flight" will be one of the imagination, travelling down the magical pathways that elves have used to get around for centuries, and which have been specially opened up for the lucky children invited to come.

Be still my churning stomach.

We are greeted by people dressed in traditional Sammi costume, some with husky dogs, although others are in tackier Rudolph costumes.

Something for the furries then. However then they go and stand in the reindeer shit...

and the trip begins with a lecture on recycling from an "eco-elf".

Fucking hellski!

So this is Christmas

So this is Christmas

Yeah I noticed. People seem to be laying in enough food for the siege of Mafeking, my office has rugrats running around and getting into the server room (one of whom is bawling its head off on my train and will very shortly, unless it shuts the fuck up, be experiencing the wrong end of a dragon's breath weapon) and at the station this evening some twerps were effecting a massacre of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman by playing it exactly half a semitone flat.

And what have you done?

You mean apart from sticking a talon through the back of some granny's head when we were both going for the last pack of chestnut stuffing in Marks & Spencers? Bugger all quite frankly.

Another year over, and a new one just begun.

Don't suppose there's any chance of drowning the current government in a vat of superheated wolf semen before the 31st so we can all have a good start to the year is there?

As you can probably guess I'm not one for Christmas. Basically I'm now on the train home and once inside with the last of the supplies (plus the dead granny the store staff insisted I remove) the drawbridge will be drawn up and I'm not coming out until the 27th when I will no doubt have to contend with every other fuck who has now run out of any form of nourishment which is not poultry based and will gladly sacrifice his children's Nintendo Wii for a supermarket frozen pizza.

For the final word on Christmas, I defer to my fellow grumpy mythological creature, Two the Ranting Gryphon and his thoughts on the festive season....

"Guess what junior, there's some fat red man at the North Pole who's going to fly here on some elk and bring you the latest name-brand dildos."

Hear it all here (very NSFW!)

And with that, I shall see you all in the new year.