... And I Feel Fine

Remember Harold Camping? He was the American preacher who said the world was going to end back in May and convinced a whole bunch of fools to spend every penny they had on advertising the fact and trying to get us heathens to convert.

As the world didn't end he had to come up with an excuse and as I recall it was something along the lines of Gawd had actually ended the world and decided who was going to get to sit on a cloud playing a harp and who was going to be toasting marshmallows and singing camp-fire songs with Beelzebub but the actual demolition squads would roll up later in the year.

Today in fact, the 21st of October. Due to some oversight The Almighty has neglected to inform Harold of what time he's going to kick off on his smiting binge.

I'm actually really looking forward to what his explanation is this time. I'm betting it'll be along the lines of "Actually the world has been destroyed and you are now in hell, which just happens to look exactly like where you were before. Those of you who are residents of Basildon will be perfectly aware of this already".

Whatever his excuse such is the depth of human stupidity is that he will still have followers and there will remain millions of people who really do believe that the world will literally end in their lifetimes....

Professor Farid Esack, head of the religious studies at the University of Johannesburg, likened Rapture believers to "those who stockpiled food on the eve of a new South Africa", but warned against dismissing them as "fanatical loons"

Actually he's right, we should be medicating them as dangerously delusional mental patients. Regrettably I don't think we could physically manufacture the volume of anti-psychotics we'd need

A game of numbers

Sorry about the lack of blogging, It's been a bit crazy these last few weeks.

However to make up for it I'd like you to meet Christopher Valentine. Mad as a bucket of elves.



Well it explains why I can never find any chopsticks in my kitchen drawer when I want to eat chinese.

But I bet you laughed at the batshit crazy guy who is clearly 100% hatstand.

But if he was stood there and told you about talking snakes, people with wings who had flaming swords and this Jewish guy who came back to life after being dead for 3 days then you'd just go "oh, right, another God-botherer"

All christianity and the other "real" religions have on their side which this guy doesn't is weight of numbers . Anyone who believes in the truth of the Bible/Koran/Haynes Manual of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (PBUH) is equally as howling-at-the-moon crazy as Chris here and clearly should be on some form of medication but aren't because, well, there's millions of them and Novartis simply could not make enough anti-psychotics.

This is going to be a long night

I've just been down to the pub where my brother in law is having his party with my sister to help stick a few balloons up.

The good news: They have some reasonable looking real ales on including a Copper Dragon (yay!) and Timmy Taylors' Landlord (oooer, that could be dangerous)

The bad news: On the way out one of the "guests" who said he would be "along later" left the pub at the same time. "It's a full moon, a fool moon" he said through a face that had been repeatedly beaten with the ugly stick.

"Are we expecting werewolves then" I said

"Oh don't worry about him" I was told, "He thinks he's James Bond. 007. Licensed to Shag"

This is going to be a very long night

Yawn, scratch, scratch, scratch

Look, dragons tend to go to sleep for a long time OK. I was rather hoping to stay in the land of nod until that fuck ugly twat Brown had been kicked into touch but tempted out of my cave by large quantities of turkey and stuffing I see that him and his gurning pack of fucktrumpets are still in business screwing over the country.

Sooo what's been happening. Global warming revealed as bollocks, yes saw that, lots of people going to the land of Carlsberg and Bodil Joensen (all the good porn shops are behind the station on the Istegade guys, but I expect your researchers told you that) - bet none of you cycled there did you?

Nigerian trying to blow up a plane... well I suppose that if you're too thick to make money doing 419 scams international terrorism might seem to be a reasonable career option. Seems like he was as bad a terrorist and bomb maker as he probably was a scammer "Wetin dey broda, mugu like you have no level!"

And the chinkies have killed someone for drug smuggling. Excellent! In deference to the sensibilities of the bleeding hearts in the west they didn't rip out his organs first to sell to the highest bidder on Ebay and they are letting some raghead preacher chuck him in a hole but, and all credit to them, they did say "Our house, our rules, fuck you" when Batshit Milliband went all "we condemn this is the strongest possible terms." Now I hold no brief for China or it's leadership, in fact I think China's leadership sucks like a very sucky thing and the Chinese people have some very odd notions when it comes to medicine but having been there the notices at the airports are very large and very clearly say "If you smuggle drugs we will execute you" and quite frankly the fact that you're loony tunes cuts no ice with me or the Chinese justice system. I know people with bipolar disorder (back in the day we called it manic depression), in fact one of my best mates has it - sure he's not entirely well and he's a little bit scary to be around when he's in one of his manic phases but generally the drugs keep him on an reasonably even keel and he holds down a responsible job and an active personal life with no real issues. So maybe dead drug smuggler was "Non compliant with his medication" as Mrs Dracunculus would have put it when she was dealing with loonies for a living. Well if that's the case he should have been in a hospital or institution... ah we shut all those down didn't we, right.

So Batshit, before banging on to a very important trading partner who also happens to have one of the largest standing armies in the world not to mention something of an inferiority complex about how naughty they are for stringing this guy up (bet they made his family pay for the rope too... now that's a justice system I would like to see here!) maybe you should look and see just exactly what lead him to China and why wasn't he doped up and singing his rabbit song on a "special" ward somewhere.

Mind you given that the fact he wrote said rabbit song maybe the Chinese have done us all a favour in bumping him off. Go and listen... it's truly, er, unique.

Mad as a Box of Frogs 2

Grumpy Dragon Entertainments Inc brings you another entry in our irregular "Mad as a Box Of Frogs" series. Today's pearl of insanity comes to you from "Everything you need to know about Christian Sexuality"

One thing that I teach people about in my book, The Spirits of Sexual Perversion Handbook, is that any act of sexual perversion can lead to other acts of sexual perversion. For instance, you can be a hetrosexual male and commit fornication and then find yourself inexplicably developing an interest in gay sex later on.

But wait... it gets worse!

That act of fornication opened both men up to other acts of sexual perversion. The spirits that I expose in the book are:

Fornication, Masturbation, Adultery, Incest, Homosexuality, Prostitution
Pornography, Sexual Fantasy, Rape, Pedophilia, Bestiality , Lust,
Lasciviousness, Promiscuity

Involvement with any of the above spirits can lead to involvement with all of the above spirits. This is especially the case when spirits are transferred to you during intercourse with someone.

There you go, you sleep with someone who likes looking at porn and the next thing you know you're cruising the streets looking to pay for sex with a underage billy goat and thinking about Kylie Minogue in a wetsuit with the bottom cut out... and you're going to do it more than once!

Heal her Lord, for she is afflicted with jelly for brains. She can't even spell "Lasciviousness" - I had to correct it in her post!

UPDATE: For more giggles go to the homepage of the blog and click on her word links... you even get 2 shots at "bestiality" because she spelt it wrong the first time, the fucktard.

Mad as a box of frogs

Meet the fourth in line to the Norwegian throne, this one "says she has psychic powers and can teach people to communicate with angels". Mad as a box of frogs; I blame it all on the inbreeding myself.

She says she realised as a child that she could read people's inner feelings, while her experiences with horses had helped her make contact with angels. "It was while I was taking care of the horses that I got in contact with the angels," she says.

You need to stop sniffing the hoof oil my dear.

Mind you madness does have its rewards...

Students at her centre, she says, will learn how to "create miracles" in their lives and harness the powers of their angels, which she describes as "forces that surround us and who are a resource and help in all aspects of our lives". A three-year programme at her centre costs 24,000 Norwegian crowns ($4,150; 3,000 euros; £2,000) per year.

One born every minute.