Knobend

So there we were, Rupert looking and sounding like they'd just dragged him out from the Budleigh Salterton Rest Home For The Terminally Bewildered and James coming across more slippery that a weasel smeared with KY Jelly¹ and then up springs some self-styled "anarchist" (styled by everyone else "a complete knobend") and tries to pie him. Up springs Wendy the Dragon Lady and lays down a claw/claw/breath weapon attack for 10d6 damage with a side helping of ninja-style quivering palm and next days headlines write themselves and the Murdochs slip off the hook.

It's almost so convenient you'd think this Johnny Marbles tosspot had been set up to do this by News International and he'll be getting a big fat jiffy bag stuffed with twenties when this is all over.

Johnny Marbles, It's probably pronounced "Mahr-Bahlls" or something. Stupid name, more stupid guy. as Twitterer @mattplats observed:

Johnny Marbles sounds like the name of the lead singer in an unsuccessful punk band that once nearly opened for Siouxsie and the Banshees.

Speaking of Siouxie I doubt you'd get to show this any more for fear of "Offending" the mussies.





¹ Bet that image got the furries who come here searching for httyd rule 34 hot under the collar.

Enough with the world cup already

Look I know there's a footy match on round at Nelson Mandela's old gaff at the moment but does every single fucking product I use have to jump on the sodding bandwagon? I mean my cornflakes at breakfast have "A feast of football" splattered all over the packaging with some bollocks about winning a shin-pad if I send in three packet tops. If I want a few pringles to nibble on when flicking through the TV channels to find something not soccer related I now have to open a packet of "Pringoooooals" and there's world-cup themed sandwiches in the staff canteen.

Honestly I am expecting to sit down on the loo only to see Wayne Fucking Rooney's gurning fizzog leering at me as it's been printed on the bog roll.

And what's got everyone's knickers in a bunch? Well everyone who gives a shit about watching the spectacle of a bunch of overpaid tossers kicking a ball about anyway. That would be the "vuvuzela" which is the Xhosa word for "wank-trumpet" apparently. I can see how folk might be a tad irritated by said "instrument" as quite by accident I caught the last 10 minutes of Rooney and his friends being held to a one-all draw by a nation to whom footy ranks around the same level of interest as competitive scrabble or morris dancing. It took a minute to work out what was wrong with the sound as all I could hear was a swarm of angry bees doing a simultaneous B-flat fart, ah - that would be your knuckle-dragging football fan embracing the "cultural diversity of the Rainbow Nation" and honking his plastic wank-trumpet. I found I wanted to ram the bloody things flare end first up their collective arses within about 90 seconds so what the hell it must be like listening to it for 90 minutes I hate to think.

And can you imagine being in the stadium itself? I read the noise level of these things is 113dB which, to give you an idea, is the peak sound pressure of my 16" chainsaw when it's at full chat. I fully expect our wandering fans to come back from SA and walk straight into the nearest hospital to get treated for deafness.

Maybe they could pick up some retro-viral drugs to handle the HIV they picked up off the local good-time girls whilst "On tour".