... And I Feel Fine

Remember Harold Camping? He was the American preacher who said the world was going to end back in May and convinced a whole bunch of fools to spend every penny they had on advertising the fact and trying to get us heathens to convert.

As the world didn't end he had to come up with an excuse and as I recall it was something along the lines of Gawd had actually ended the world and decided who was going to get to sit on a cloud playing a harp and who was going to be toasting marshmallows and singing camp-fire songs with Beelzebub but the actual demolition squads would roll up later in the year.

Today in fact, the 21st of October. Due to some oversight The Almighty has neglected to inform Harold of what time he's going to kick off on his smiting binge.

I'm actually really looking forward to what his explanation is this time. I'm betting it'll be along the lines of "Actually the world has been destroyed and you are now in hell, which just happens to look exactly like where you were before. Those of you who are residents of Basildon will be perfectly aware of this already".

Whatever his excuse such is the depth of human stupidity is that he will still have followers and there will remain millions of people who really do believe that the world will literally end in their lifetimes....

Professor Farid Esack, head of the religious studies at the University of Johannesburg, likened Rapture believers to "those who stockpiled food on the eve of a new South Africa", but warned against dismissing them as "fanatical loons"

Actually he's right, we should be medicating them as dangerously delusional mental patients. Regrettably I don't think we could physically manufacture the volume of anti-psychotics we'd need

I predict a riot

Well we have riots, recession and a Tory lead government so I guess all we need now is for OMD and Duran Duran to be back in the charts and it'll be just like that '80s

I find it rather telling that the good citizens (ha!) of Tottenham can get all antsy and smashing up the place when The Babylon put a cap in one of their local criminal entrepreneurs but when said criminals are shooting each other up then you don't hear a bloody peep from them. And what is it with rioters and looters, I mean you live there so why do you trash your own streets and shops? I mean I've been to Tottenham and it is a complete shithole so I'd be surprised that this morning apart from a few shoe boxes formerly containing trainers scattered around the high street anyone would notice a difference but why not nip down the road and smash up somewhere else?

And why on earth of all places did you want to loot a branch of discount carpet retailer Carpet Right? What the feck got into your head that said "I want justice, I want an end to police brutality, and I want a free roll of axminster for my granny's flat"

Apparently they queued up to loot JD Sports. Well we may be having a riot but we never forget we are English and queueing up is what we do.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

... and I feel a touch of flu coming on.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death,
and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part
of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the
beasts of the earth.

I have a couple of ponies... maybe they have a vacancy for a fifth horseman:

And I looked and behold a small black Dartmoor pony; and his name that sat on
her was Dragon and a scooter from the indian take-away carrying a chicken
jalfrezi followed with him. And power was given unto Dragon over ye interweb so
that he might stomp around and curse and drink beer.

Well so far I think more people have died from bizarre bathplug related injuries than have died of the flu. Sure I know that this could become a pandemic but after H5N1, Ebola, Marburg and that one that made you think you were a marmoset¹ you can forgive me if I think I can hear someone shouting Canis Lupus here.

For the best commentary though you have to turn to the intarwebs and in particularly that paragon of sensible and mature debate "Have Your Say" on the BBC news website.

Despite being a moderated forum moderation seems to go as far as someone making sure not too many instances of the word "fuck" get through because every conspiracy theorist and loon from here to Timbuctoo has sprung up here. The best examples so far are:

• This is Allah's punishment on infidels for eating pork, as muslims don't eat pork then muslims won't catch swine flu
• This is a genetically engineered virus that has been deliberately released by the CIA / Mossad / Illuminati / Tufty Club to cull the human population
• Aliens did it
• If you are vegetarian you won't catch it
• The "Case Zero" pig needs to be found and the owner punished
• Its because of Climate Change

I was going to weigh in with "It's Gordon Brown's fault" but I notice the moderation queue is currently standing at over 1000 posts.

Just to be on the safe side if anyone approaches me who has a slight sniffle I'll set them alight. Can't be too careful.

¹ I think I might have dreamed that one.

Do I laugh or cry

Throughout the day (until someone went postal in the US) the most popular stories on the BBC news website have been one about a man having to marry a goat after being caught in flagrante, one about exploding lavatories in Japan and hovering around in third place either Richard Gere kissing somebody and all of India getting upset¹ or a study that says we prefer chocolate to sex.

I believe a lot can be inferred about the heath of the nation from that.


¹ Good job that there were no hamsters present or else they really would have something to get upset about!