The Bloody Olympics

I don't suppose it's too late to give the Bloody Olympics to France is it? I mean they did seem to want it at the time.

I mean it's all very nice for the athletes and I'm sure they are all fine and dedicated people (although probably a tad obsessive) but I am failing to see why I should stump up a huge amount of money via my taxes just so you have a place to run around very quickly. I mean when you add everything up the total bill is probably going to come to the best part of twenty billion dollars and you can do a lot with that kind of cash, one blogger worked out that for the price of four Olympic games we could put a human on Mars; and that's a damned sight more of an achievement than watching a lycra clad berk run about and chuck a spear.

And this is before all the other shite that seems to come as part of this wonderful sportfest that's bebeen vomited into our laps. I'll leave aside the idiocy of putting missiles on people's roofs in East London, the utterly over the top security that stops people taking a picture of a fish tank at one of the venues because of "terrorism concerns", the fact that we might as well have painted a huge target over London for every hacked off member of the "Religion of Peace"^TM to have a go at and the creepy, deformed mascots that look like they were designed by the kid on the short bus whist going through Ritalin withdrawal.

What really tweaks my tail is the corporate bollocks and the way us poor schmucks who paid for the bastard thing are treated. My station are handing out "walking maps" and have a 'get ahead of the games" website which is basically saying "the transport will be fucked, the buses are being forced into the rest of the clogged traffic to make sure the Zil lanes for the corrupt parasites in the IOC can whizz up and down unimpeded so you bastards can walk everywhere" And if you're going to any of the actual events (which I am definitely not) which we made you pay for the tickets (even though you funded everything) then you WILL pay by Visa card and no other method, you WILL NOT take in any soft drink of your choosing, you WILL only eat Mc Fucking Donalds as no other "food" will be on sale and you will be prevented from bringing your own ¹ and most likely you'd better be bringing a Samsung compact camera because god forbid you're carrying a Ricoh the "Brand Police" will probably stamp on it before laying into you with the rubber hoses.

Quite frankly the bloody Olympics can go and screw itself. I'd scrap it tomorrow in a heartbeat if I could. However having built all those stadia it would be a shame to not to use them so I propose we hold the show trails and executions of all the pompous, self aggrandizing politicians and IOC members who spent our money on this vanity project.



¹ and yes the irony of the world's largest purveyor of junk food sponsoring an elite athletics event is not lost on me.

Pretty Prancing Ponies

Over here I see that the dressage events in the Olympics have not exactly been going down a bundle with the population of Honkers.

Many of the initial 10,400 spectators, more used to the excitement of weekly horse races at the same venue, fell asleep during the dressage events, sometimes referred to as 'horse ballet.'

One of them told the city's Sunday Morning Post newspaper she was 'deeply bored.' 'The horses just walked from one side of the arena to the other and then back again,' she said.

'I thought they were just going through the warm-up exercises but the commentators said the round was over ... I really don't think Hong Kong people will be interested in this.'

Obviously no-one had bothered to explain haute école dressage to the locals. We've also had some PETA numpty over on the Grauniad bleating on about how dressage is cruel (and dull) - no link as if I read the Grauniad I have to go and scrub mysef with carbolic to remove the taint and I can't be arsed right now.

I've seen this happen every time the Olympics roll around, let's have a go at the equestrian sports and usually the boot gets put in against the most impenetrable one which is invariably dressage. Usually the bleat is "well the olympics should be about what people can do, not horses" to which my response is "fine, then dump all the sailing events then", after all sailing is about the wind and your skill in manipulating it to make a boat do something, not that much different from manipulating a different motive power source to do something. Sure the argument would open the doors to, say, rally driving being in the Olympics and to be honest I've got no problem with that - be more interesting that watching a bunch of lycra clad twats going round a wooden circle. That and the fucking beach volleyball - I mean that's what you arse about doing for 20 minutes on holiday before going "fuck it's hot" and retiring to the poolside bar for a Heineken or six.

I have to 'fess up a bias here as when I used to ride competitively dressage was my main discipline and the one I enjoyed the most as (a) it was the one that got you and the horse really communicating, any fool can learn enough riding to get a horse over a jump - dressage you had to really work at understanding what the horse was "saying" and (b) you were a damned lot less likely to die and / or kill your horse than doing cross country

And the bloody beeb only showed the dressage section of the eventing anyway (which is a bit dressage 101) and not the Grand Prix section, or rather they did, online without any sound according to one of my horsey friends who managed to find it. And I'll lay money that we'll have wall to wall coverage of the synchronised drowning when that comes on. Well at least that's funny; the way they waddle to the pool looking like they've just shat themelves is fucking hilarious.

Explosion in a springs factory

Oh what joy, the Olympic Games are upon us, a three week extravaganza of people running about very fast and jumping up and down broadcast live at three in the morning from some polluted hell-hole somewhere in China; a showcase of the best that Totalitarianism has to offer not seen since one Herr Hitler had a knees-up in Berlin in the 30's. I can hardly fucking wait.

Of course my compulsory TV tax will be being used to bring every grunt, groan and wobby-boob-in-the-beach-volleyball right into my living room whether I want it or not and just so we get the message that there might be some sport on in China this summer they have thoughtfully given us a trailer to let us know. And here it is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mlGSwmHwrE&feature=related

... fucking hell it's Money, Pigsy, Sandy and that monk who I could never work out if it was male or female as done by that "Gorillaz" animator and set to a soundtrack of someone screetching in a language that sounds like an explosion in a factory that makes springs set to a backing track composed on a Casio VL-Tone

I really don't know where the beeb are coming from here, certainly it's quite an impressive work but the Monkey and his mates are drawn to look like the sort of hoodies who would work you over with a muck-rake as soon as look at you.

What our Olympic Brand says to the world.

Fucking Hell.

I think what is is saying is "Ohhh shit... we've dropped it and it's broken!" which is appropriate as given the utter fucked-upness of this country it's what we're going to do to the Olympics as they crumble under us trying to be everything to every-fucking-body, deperate not to offend anyone, make sure everyone is included whether they want to be at not and not managing to finish any of the venues in time. We did it big-stylie with the dome, what on earth makes us think the Olympics are going to be different.

To be fair if there were medals for bullshit Sebastian Cow would be in the running for a podium finish.

"It will define the venues we build and the Games we hold and act as a reminder of our promise to use the Olympic spirit to inspire everyone and reach out to young people around the world.

"We will host a Games where everyone is invited to join in because they are inspired by the Games to either take part in the many sports, cultural, educational and community events leading up to 2012 or they will be inspired to achieve personal goals."

What the fuck are you smoking Seb? It looks like a broken fucking floor tile! How in the name of Jesus Christ on a pogo stick is that going to inspire anyone to take part in sport. Yep as soon as I saw that abortion the first thing I wanted to do was strap on a pair of Reebocks I can tell you. Dear gods the pond-spawn they have on "The Apprentice" could come up with something more imaginative.

"It's not a logo, it's a brand that will take us forward for the next five years," he told BBC Five Live.

It's a fucking logo you moron. A logo, a design or icon representing an entity, from the Greek logos meaning "word". It also doesn't seem to have wheels or a motive power source so how is it going to take you anywhere?

"It won't be to be eveybody's taste immediately

You're fucking right there, sunshine.

but it's a brand that we genuinely believe can be a hard working brand which builds on pretty much everything we said in Singapore about reaching out and engaging young people, which is where our challenge is over the next five years. "If we don't that, then frankly the whole project is unsustainable."

No, your challenge is to make sure that there is water in the pool and sand in the long-jump pit come 2012 and that the athletes are not all living in fucking tents in Hyde Park. Quite frankly the "yoof"'s interest in sport pretty much begins and ends with who Wayne Rooney has shagged this week and making a logo looking like a bit of street graffiti isn't going to change that.

For the first time the same logo will be used for both the Olympic and Paralympic Games.

That's appropriate, because it looks like it was designed by a spaz differently able person.

Prime Minister Tony Blair said:

Oh Jesus now I am going to throw up.

"We want London 2012 not just to be about elite sporting success.

No you wanker, that is just what we want it to be about, it's a fucking sporting event where the best in the world compete.

"When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life.

Is wanting to set fire to everyone in the advertising agency and UK Olympic committee a positive change because that's all it has inspired me to do.

"London 2012 will be a great sporting summer but will also allow Britain to showcase itself to the world."

Oh god, I was afraid about that. We are going to look so fucking stupid in 5 years.

Last word has to go to everyone's favourite newt-molester, Ken Livingstone.

"The new Olympic brand draws on what London has become - the world's most forward-looking and international city.

No, it draws upon what London and indeed England has become. A tawdry, third rate country where spin is valued above substance, where celebrity is worshipped above people who actually achieve anything, where we've so lost our sense of national identity in the blender of multi-cultural-all-inclusive-moral-relative-diversity bullshit that, so desperate aree we to come up with something that doesn't offend anyone we've managed to produce something that says nothing and offends everyone by being so utterly, irredeemably shit.

I despair, truly I do.