Global Head of August

According to my manager I have been appointed the "Global Head of August" which apparently means that as everyone else in the team appears to be taking some if not all of next month off which leaves your scaly green friend the only person with any experience with his hands on the controls.

Why is everyone off in August? Ah that would be because they all have made a lifestyle choice to have little kiddies and August is school holidays and of course as I have made the other lifestyle choice not to clutter up my existence with little ankle-biters everyone assumes that I won't want to take any holidays in the summertime.

Well thanks for consulting me guys. And also, as it was your choice to have kids, how come you get tax breaks and benefits from government and I don't?

Oi Cleggeron! How about a "Covering for you when you have to go to Tarquin and Chardonnay's school sports day / leave early because it's parents evening / must have a week in Lloret del Mar when it's sunny and you just have to put up with whatever's available in September" tax credit.

Yeah, didn't think so.

Selfish Twat of the Month

Goes to Laura Williams, 18 who a couple of days ago in what probably cost a small fucking fortune in specialist medical costs gave birth to twins. Twins that are fused together laterally for about 60% of their torso length and which although having seperate hearts probably share a shitload of other organs and the necessary plumbing compatible with life.

Apparently Laura went against all medical advice to abort the freakshow exhibit she's just had yanked out of her by c-section and according to some neighbour:

"Laura was in bits to start off with but she's a good mum. She's got an older daughter.

Hang on she's fucking eighteen and she already has a kid. In vain I searched for any mention of a father in the newsreports so I am assuming he is (a) different from that of her first kid and (b) has well and truly fucked off and is probably shagging somone else on the Nelson Mandela estate.

OK so I'm pissed that my tax money is being spunked up to keep this cunt who can't keep her legs crossed in dole money and child allowance and even more pissed at the fucknuggets in government who continue to reward people for breeding and which, in any world ruled by rationalism rather than sentiment would have gone "sorry love, you want to keep that freakshow alive then you're coughing up the medical bills, not the state, here's a bottle of dettol and a coathanger, do the right thing there's a pet". How many grannies are going to wait in agony for a hip replacement or kids go without dialysis because precious funds have been devoted to hacking this should-have-been abortion into tow bits.

But what really gets the breath weapon turned up to thermonuclear is how fucking selfish do you have to be, against all medical advice, these poor fucking kids into the world, all they have to look forward to is a short life of pain, misery and another kid bawling in their ear. What sort of diseased freakery, aside from the fact that "well the social will pay for everyhing, innit" is going on inside this selfish twat's head to want to make her inflict such suffering?

Laura Williams, 18, from Shrewsbury, Shropshire, gave birth to the girls, named Faith and Hope, at University College Hospital, London.

Ah, the sky pixie and that chap that got nailed to some wood. Only thing that would account for it.

Incinerate the lot.

Well bugger me Darling!

Well much to my surprise I tapped in my details into the BBC's "How much has that gurning fuckwad Darling screwed you out of" calculator this morning and bugger me with a horse dildo if I'm not actually up on the deal by about 250 quid!

Of course it helps if you take your cunningly purchased just below the fuck off tax band 4x4 to France twice a year and bring it back, axles groaning, full of booze so that nice Mr Sarkozi gets the tax revenues and not Gordo's sock puppet.

However you dour presbytarian fuck, doon't for a second think I'm ever going to vote any way but "anyone but you" come election time.

Back on the chain gang

Right, the tinsel is down, the tree is lying by the woodshed and awaiting dismemberment into kindling and logs and everyone can go back to eating proper food instead of one of Bernard Matthews' flavourless turkeys ("now with added H5N1!")

And as it is the new year our lords and masters crawl out from under their slimy rocks and try to persuade us with their "new and fresh ideas" that they know what they are doing and to trust them with yet more of our money which they will "spend wisely" and you know that they are just going to piss up the wall just like they did the last lot.

We'll just skip right over anything spewing out from the gob of any Labour party politician as you know it's going to be elephant shit of the first order by default but instead let's have a look at the latest idea from TheBoyDave which you can read about on the beeb's site here

Well it's a start I guess but it doesn't go nearly far enough which is par for the course really. Doing a bit more of a dig into the story it looks as though what is being proposed is the same model as was used in New York and which did take a goodly number of people off the dole but didn't save a whole lot of money in the end - and remember the USA has a system where your unemployment benefits end after a fixed time; no sitting on your arse in front of the Jeremy Kyle show in perpetuity over there. In the end when you look at it what the Tories are proposing is a bit of window dressing which is probably going to cost more than it saves but we might get the occasional tidier park and some favourable headlines in the Daily Mail¹ but you know, you just fucking know, that the workshy cunts who this is aimed at just won't turn up or if they do won't do any work or it will be of such abysmal quality that some other poor fucker will have to fix it later and there will be no sanctions or penalties against them - this is after all a government operation.

So here is the Grumpy Dragon solution to unemployment...

You get three months to find a job and you must prove that you are looking (records of letters sent to employers, notification letters for interviews, etc.) and after that if you want money from the state (i.e. me) then you work for that money and you are made to work properly, in other words you are treated as a proper employee and if you fuck up too often, don't turn up for work or consistently do a shoddy job then you are "fired" and your money is cut off. You'll get a couple of days off every other week to apply for jobs and attend interviews and, trust me, after a few days working on what I have in mind you will be applying for anything at all to get off the state dole.

Draconian? Yes of course it is, I'm a dragon.

Next week - fixing the disability benefits system by shouting "Pull yourself together you fuckwit" at people.




¹ Or not... today's headline is some cack about that dead airhead princess we used to have before she got in a car with a pissed up frog.

First they came for the smokers...

... and I did not speak out, for I was not a smoker.
Then they came for the drinkers,
and the little green dragon finished that nice bottle of Barolo,
fired up the lappy and went positively apeshit.

I fucking hate this fucking government. I mean just who fuck do they think they are.

Look you cunts, I will make this perfectly clear to you. This is my body, mine. Not yours. It is not the property of the fucking state. If I want to stick chemicals into it so that it explodes that might not be very wise but it's my choice so to do. I won't even be a burden on your crappy heath service (hey, I have some respect for my body and really don't fancy coming home with a free bonus c.difficile infection) as I have private medical insurance, and I still have to pay the NHS jizya tax.

So for you twats to go and tell me that I shouldn't be having a glass or two of wine of an evening, and more start having a go at a respectable business trying to offer me a decent deal on this perfectly legal product (which incidentally you have no problem in taxing) is indicative of the level of presumption that I have only come to expect from wankstains like you. Listen, Mr Denham, a retailer does not have to be "responsible" in the "light of the Government's alcohol strategy", Tesco's responsibility is to its shareholders (including me) and to its customers (ditto) and not to whatever Blair has farted out of his scabby arse this week. The concept of "freedom" just passed cunts like you by didn't it. And get some balls, Mr Tesco Man, if someone is buying five tins of SMA every week, why the fuck shouldn't you send them a voucher; you were far to nice to that NuLabour creep, you should have stabbed him in the arse. I'll cut you a bit of slack though because Mrs Dracunculus got a fiver off the shopping yesterday thanks to the clubcard vouchers.

You know what I'm going to do next week. I'm going to get into my nice big polluting 4x4, drive to France and fill it with as much wine as I want (and fill up on cheap diesel whilst I'm there). Then I'm going to drive back and wave my big dragony dick at the customs men as I come through Dover. Lots of nice wine for the dragon to drink and not a penny piece to NuLabs coffers.

Fuck the lot of you.