The only Avatar review you will ever need

And Avatar is shit anyway: a humourless fable about a bunch of sanctimonious, stand-offish jungle-smurfs who spend their days running around in thongs, attacking explorers, interfering with sky-horses, and obstinately halting the march of progress for the sake of a poxy tree. Watching the Na'vi (see? even their name is obnoxious) mope and moan in three dimensions simply made them more real, and therefore more objectionable. Maybe if the final half-hour had consisted of one of the human soldiers repeatedly kicking one of the Na'vi shamen in his leaf- bollocks until he spewed blue sick and his eyeballs popped out in 3D, I'd have found it easier to stomach.

Charlie Brooker, of course.

Film review - Eragon

Finally got the chance to watch Eragon over the new year weekend - at home of course, there is no way I was about to spend any of a bank holiday weekend in a cinema full of snotty children (who should all be fed to pit bull terriers anyway - I recon they should have given the dog a medal).

Anyway, Eragon. Or "Star Wars with Dragons" as they might have called it. To be honest there were so many plot and idea ripoffs that I'm surprised there isn't a queue of lawyers outside every picture house in the land. Dragons die when their riders do... paging Mrs McCaffrey, to say the word/true name is to control the thing (Le Guin's "Earthsea", Edding's "Belgariad"). The princess is in trouble... OK so Jeremy Irons didn't quite say "If you go now, help them you could, but you will betry all that they have fought and suffered for" but he might as well have done - I was surprised Eragon didn't ask Safira to "fire up the converters" - and oh look he's just done an Obi-Wan death scene. We even had a "I'm stuck on this rock at my uncle's farm looking into the sunset" moment earlier. Sure I know that this sort of plot is the monomyth of the hero but at least try to be a bit original. If it turns out that the nasty evil king is Eragon's dad then I'm sorry I will have to breathe on someone.

And my, isn't it convenient that dragons grow up so quickly - dead handy plot device that was. And speaking of dragons isn't Safira a bit too, well, "fluffy" for a dragon? (Checks scales, claws, teeth, horns) Yep, far too fluffy, and were those feathers on the end of your wings? And if you keep doing those 5000 feet per minute vertical takeoffs from standing you're going to give young Eragon spinal compression.

Still, it was a bit of fun for 90 minutes, the CGI battle sequences were good and all the serious actors playing the baddies were deliciously over the top and even Jeremy redeemed himself in the Obi-Wan/Yoda role after his pitiful outing in the truly naff "Dungeons and Dragons" movie.

Turn your brain off, play spot the borrowed plot and go and see Eragon... available from all good bittorrent sites now.

Firey Dragon Rating - toasty: