Santa has a proposition for you

FROM THE DESK OF ST NICHOLAS

SANTA'S GROTTO
THE NORTH POLE

THIS E-MAIL MAY COME TO YOU AS A BIG SURPRISE BUT DO NOT BE ALARMED AS IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR FOR BIG SURPRISES. I FOUND YOUR CONTACT IN MY BOOK OF WHO HAS BEEN GOOD BOY AND GIRL THIS YEAR AND KNOW I CAN TRUST YOU. I AM WRITING TO YOU AS MATTER OF URGENT NECESSITY AND ASKING FOR YOUR HELP WITH A PROBLEM OF WORLD IMPORTANCE. AS YOU MAY BE AWARE THE SEASON OF YULETIDE JOY AND HAPPINESS WILL SOON BE UPON US, BUT THINGS ARE NOT WELL HERE IN THE NORTH POLE. DUE TO THE CURRENT WORLD CREDIT CRISIS WE HAVE HAD TO SELL OFF ALL OUR FAMOUS REINDEER FOR DOG FOOD TO MAKE END MEET. THIS IS UNFORTUNATE BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE TO SAVE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THEY FETCHED A VERY GOOD PRICE
AS EVERYONE HAVE HEARD THEIR NAME. WE DID FETCH $3,000,000 (THREE MILLION DOLLARS USD) EACH FOR DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER, VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER AND BLITZEN. AND WE DID GET NO LESS THAN $10,00,000 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS USD) FOR RUDOLF ON HIS OWN BECAUSE OF HIS SHINY RED NOSE. THIS BRING THE TOTAL SUM TO $34,000,000 (THIRTY FOUR MILLION DOLLARS USD).

AS I WAS TOO DISTRESS TO DO THIS THING MYSELF I SENT THE HEAD OF MY ELVES NAME OF ASKASLEIKIR TO MARKET TO DO THIS FINAL ACT FOR ME. HE DID IMMEDIATELY DEPOSIT THE MONEY IN NIGERIAN SECURITY COMPANY IN HIS FAMILY NAME AND IT REMAIN THERE IN SAFE KEEPING UNTIL THIS DAY. BUT WHEN HE TOOK OFF IN HIS SLAY TO COME BACK TO MY GROTTO IN THE NORTH POLE FROM WHERE HE PARKED IT ON TOP OF A HIGH BUILDING, HE DID FORGET HE NO LONGER HAD MY MAGIC REINDEER PULLING IT AND HE DID FALL OUT OF THE SKY AND DIE IN SUDDEN CRASH.

WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO IS TAKE THE PLACE OF ASKASLEIKIR'S LONG LOST BROTHER NAME OF BJUGNAKRAEKIR AND HELP ME RECOVER THE MONEY BY ACTING AS NEXT OF KIN. I WOULD DO THIS THING MYSELF BUT AS MY FACE IS KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH IT AND I NEED TO THINK OF MY GOOD REPUTATION. FOR HELPING ME GET BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE I AM WILLING TO SPLIT THE MONEY 30% FOR YOU AND 70% FOR ME. MY SHARE OF THE MONEY WILL BE USED TO ORDER TOYS FROM SHOPS AND HAVE THEM DELIVERED BY POST TO ALL THE GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS AROUND THE WORLD IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

LET ME ASSURE YOU THIS IS 100% RISK FREE AND WILL NOT PUT YOU IN ANY DANGER. ALL I ASK IS YOU KEEP THIS INFORMATION SECRET AND TO YOURSELF AS IT WOULD CAUSE WORLDWIDE PANIC WITH ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN IF NEWS OF THIS TRAGEDY WAS TO GET OUT.

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME URGENT SO YOU CAN BE INSTRUCTED HOW TO HELP ME WITH THIS WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY.

REMAIN BLESS.

SANTA. (Father Christmas)

About the only thing that would get me watching Formula 1

The Daily Mash has excelled itself today... MOSLEY TO MOUNT A DONKEY BEFORE FRENCH GRAND PRIX

Given the boring parade of high-speed advertisements that F1 has become, someone shagging a donkey would probably be the only thing that would get me watching it again.

And then only if it was a pretty donkey.

Product Launch Announcement

Renault have launched a new model with a special leak proof boot

The Renault McCann.

Taunting the fundies, British squaddy style

This is absolutely hilarious. Some dickwad of a fundy xtian "pastor" who runs a blog for some presidential candidate no-hoper made a very grumpy post about the "Cowardly British" and how uncristian we all were for pulling out of eye-rack.

Unfortunately for this chap it got picked up by the forumites at the British Army Rumour Service ("AARSE" to its friends) and a bunch of jolly squaddies weighed in to merrily extract the urine from the rabid god botherer and his friends in the most hilarious fashion, especially as the "Pastor" decided to invoke God, Jesus, The Archangel Michael and the spirit of Ronnie Reagan to cast out the British from his website.

The whole thing starts here but the real fun gets going around here.

I'm reading this still on the train and keep getting looked as as I burst into fits of giggles... here's an example.

“Lord Jesus Christ, I place myself at the foot of Your cross ans as me to cover me with Your Precious Blood….”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m pretty sure that if Jesus is reading this, in between bidding for a batch of “no more nails” on EBay, I’m fairly sure he wouldn’t share his holy **** with you if you were one fire.