What do we want? Unicorn sex slaves! When do we want them? Now!

You might have noticed that over in the US of A a bunch of the usual eco-weenies, lefty dreamers and, well anyone who wants to "stick it to The Man" has taken a leaf from our home grown crusties this side of the pond and have "organised" (for a given value of "organise") "Occupy Wall Street" to, well,  just have a grumble about the "eeeeevil nasty bankers" and get the opportunity for a ruck with New York's finest as far as I could work out.

But as it happens they have a set of demands, or rather a proposed list of demands that will no doubt be decided on after a good circle drumming session and a couple of herbal jazz cigarettes.Go and have a laugh at the utter naivete on display over here.

A couple of my favourites

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors.

I think you'll find that those insurers actually, you know, use the premiums and shit to kinda build hospitals, buy medical equipment and pay the salaries of those doctors and nurses.

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending "Freetrade" by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

Yea, and with a minimum wage at twenty bucks an hour causing production costs to spiral and hobson's choice about where you get your goods from as you don't have any imports your average citizen is going to be able to afford anything how, exactly?

And anyway, who is going to bother working because:

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

everyone's going to be sat on their arse and getting $20 to do so.

But the best one has got to be this:

Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the "Books." World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the "Books." And I don't mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

Awesome. Truly awesome. This stands as a shining pillar of "What the fuck?" in an already sparkling sea of cuntwittery.

I am going to demand a unicorn sex slave¹. I want it here, and I want it now.




¹ Not fussy about gender, I'm an enlightened 21st century dragon.

The latest crop of whining gits...

... camped out outside the office and sticking it to the man



Christ alone knows what they were campaigning against, the pitiful placards said something about "Real Jobs" and I am assuming PCS is some union or other, probably for people with nice cushy public sector jobs and wanting all bankers strung up by their goolies whilst simultaneously failing to realise that if we disappear so does all that taxpayers money... ah, you're probably net consumers of tax money anyway so like you fucking care.

But don't worry guys, we're doing a bang up job ourselves of screwing up Banko di Haggis. We are actually hiring, we have budget to do so (wow!) and my team lined up a guy to do some front-end stuff...

... only to be told we can't hire him as we haven't filled out quota of hiring people in India yet and when we have filled our Indian quota then we can hire people in the UK.

We're owned by Gordon Brown remember? Remember "British Jobs For British Workers" Gordon?

Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo-stick.


(PS: drop me a comment if you can write C# and fancy working alongside a fire breathing lizard with an attitude problem in an organisation that's a national pariah for destroying Curly Wurlys)

We got the crusties

You may have seen on the news that some of the trustafarian "climate change" protesters currently infesting Blackheath decided to target Banko di Haggis today:

"Protesters glued to floor of bank"

Well as your scaly green chum was there, they decided to occupy the next row of desks to where I sit, let me let you in on a few details as to how this actually went down.

Firstly, here they are should you pass them in the street and want to give them the business end of a breath weapon turned up to "toasty" so they can experience some Local Climate Change.



Nice looking bunch of layabouts filling in those long summer months before heading back to uni to that all important Media Studies degree.

Protesters have glued their hands to the floor of the Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in the City of London.

As you can quite clearly see their hands are not glued to the floor at all, what they did was actually glue themselves to each other with one of them putting his arm around a pole supporting a TV similar to the one on the right of my picture.

Twelve Climate Camp protesters dressed as construction workers stuck themselves to the floor while a further 100 protested outside.

As you can see they are NOT dressed as construction workers, and there were in fact six of them.

To be honest they were pretty well behaved for protestors and just sat there occasionally chanting their "whose planet - our planet" chants plus another one that seemed to go to the tune of those old Jack Dee beer commercials (the "Widget, it's got a widget, a lovely widget, a widget it has got" one) and every so often one of them would start banging on to the gathered wage slaves of B de H about how bad we were and we should be nice to mummy earth and "as traders you can make a difference"

It was at this point that some kindly employee pointed out to them that, although this looked like a trading floor all the traders had moved and we were, in fact, a bunch of IT guys and beancounters.

The plod were, as you would expect with every employee of the bank wielding a pretty high end mobile phone camera, (and no it was not me that sent these images to the Daily Fail) being on their best behaviour despite one of the gobby little shits who looked not unlike Japan's bass player Mick Khan giving it a load of verbals about how the police were breaking the law by not giving their names (son, they don't need to, only their numbers) and eventually the riot act was read to them, they refused to shift until RBS stopped hurting mummy nature and some chaps with solvents turned up, put safetey goggles on the crusties and de-glued them. Of course our little protesters wanted to milk this for all they could get so despite the gig being up they insisted on being dragged out...



About two hours later one of my colleagues reported that our unwashed friends were outside the front of the building once more, no doubt having been taken down to Bishopsgate nick and then let straight out with a police caution.

To be honest I have no problem with them protesting, I disagree with what they say but they have a perfect right, indeed a duty, to say it. But you interfered with my sausage sandwich and coffee this morning so if it were down to me I'd have invoked the disaster recovery plan, cleared the floor and left you there for a couple of days - let's see how your commitment to the cause is when you're sat in your shit and are hallucinating because of dehydration.

Fucknuggets the lot of you.

(Video of one of the silly twats getting dragged out as soon as I can get YouTube to bleeding well work)

Yeah, that should work.

It would seem that later on this week the City of London is going to be invaded by a rag-tag collection of the great unwashed, eco-nazis, trustafarians and other sundry wastes of DNA all no doubt scrounging the dole (well they are not earning a living or they would be at work on Wednesday wouldn't they?). Naturally as the paedophiles de jour they will be coming to the banks and no doubt shouting at us for daring to have made some money and then, well, losing it.

We have been told that we should not "engage with" the protesters, which is a shame as I was looking forward to getting stuck in and should "call the police if we feel threatened." Yeah, right.

But the best bit is that we have been instructed that in order to keep a low profile we should all dress "casually" for the next few days. Now nobody in The City has worn a tie for years and so being pretty casual its hard to see how much more scruffy we can get. However some of my colleagues in "distressed" jeans and t-shirts were making a fair fist of it this morning.

Quite how this wizard wheeze is supposed to help us avoid the protesters bent on the destruction of capitalism has not really been explained to us, especially when the awkward little green dragon pointed out that we would be walking out of a building with "Banko Di Haggis" written on the front in 20 foot high illuminated letters.

That, combined with our front-of-house security team consisting of Wilf and Albert who have a combined age of 160 and who look like they would have trouble remaining perpendicular to the floor in a modest breeze are not exactly filling me with confidence so I'm planning on bringing in my nunchuks in on Wednesday.

About the only thing they got right is their name

I am referring of course to "Plane Stupid", the Eco pressure group who decided to bolt themselved to Stanstead airport this morning. I did catch one of them whittering on about "our parents generation have failed us so we have to take direct action". Well you lived up to your name by firstly making fatuous wank statements like than and also in one fell stroke alienating tens of thousands of people who might have been sympathetic to your cause and now might just take a look deeper at the guff, quite frankly dodgy science and vested interests in Global Warming climate change. {hint: follow the money}

If it were me I'd have hopped into the left hand seat of a handy 737, taxied round to where they were, pointed the tail at them, popped the park brake on and then opened up those Pratt and Whitneys to about 60% of N1

How's that for Local Warming you cunt-trumpet hippy freaks.