Liveblogging from the train.

19:17, Whittlesford.

I'm stuck on the train. We've just had an announcement that we're going to be delayed because of a fatality on the line.

"What did he say?" asks some dippy old woman with one of those faces that looks like your fingers look after a long soak in the bath.

"Someone's thrown themselves in front of a train further up the line" says your helpful scaly friend.

"Oh dear, how long are we going to be?"

"That depends on how many pieces he ended up in."

I think I managed to give her an extra wrinkle.

UPDATE: Eventually got thrown off the train which was moved to a siding, hung around the station for ages with the promise of a bus being summoned but which never arrived. Finally the trains started up again and I got home around 2 hours late. I really hope that being hit by a train really, really hurt the selfish cunt. I was inconvenienced (which always make a grumpy dragon even grumpier) but what about the poor fucking train driver who will now forever see your stupid face coming towards his cab and hearing that wet, squelchy thump as two hundred tons of locomotive impacted you at over 100kph every time he closes his eyes, not to mention the plod and ambulance crews who had to scrape the remains of your sorry arse off the permanent way.

How do you say "Giddyup" in Kazakh?

The first woman to command the International Space Station has been given a Kazakh riding whip as a present to take up to the shuttle. I think it would be much more interesting if they'd given her a horse to take up as well, one of those little hairy steppes ponies they have out there.

Hmmmm.... zero G horse porn, there's an idea.

Now let's see how long it takes for someone to turn up here as a result of them googling for it. I give it six hours.

We all need to be cypherpunks now

Hello dear reader, please take a look at the text below:

#èØüÈâ[òš9þ³4máÑ#g€ò£§úùÞ¡5QÛ
¯d1P4 Kh@‚׶cÅ'iÛ±DOç#‘·+[Ña-3~w}¸GekuÊcT
…ÔëÔ+FJGŒl^Þ©¨Ç5KÛ+üdOìP/ÛTÞèˆo)Ȥ~–Ì5}²9
°§±×¡"ƪ_Y_’¯†…æ(pãPÙãùEç4ÿöÝ2é>mqŠ=h-¼ù
b&Xæ¹xkú'ù¡‘ BsûÑ„_:x‡”M×ýõœC´ÄžBfëÝJá–xÃ
‘;¯v

What has just landed in your computer is a block of cyphertext encrypted using a Serpent serpent, 256-bit key, 128 bit block cypher with a RIPEMD-160 hash.

And you do not know the decryption key.

So, as of this Monday just gone, when PC Plod comes round to your house and finds this on your computer and demands you decrypt it and you say you can't because you don't have the key then that is no longer a defence and you can get two years in the nick. Welcome to the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2007 and the overturning of the principle of innocent until proven guilty. Also remember that you are deemed to have "made" that piece of cyphertext too because having downloaded it, albeit unwittingly when you opened my blog on your browser, you have made a copy and that counts as "making" - you know all those people they get for child porn and they get done for x counts of "making images" that's what it means, it doesn't mean they got their cameras out.

Ihr papieren ist nicht in ordnung. Kommen Sie bitte mit uns.

So what to do. Well you could do worse than get yourself a copy of TrueCrypt which is a free, open source encryption utility that's really easy to use and has one killer feature that'll keep you safe from Brown's Geheime Staatspolitzei. What it does is you can tell it to create an encrypted disk drive within an encrypted disk drive; that way you can have an encrypted drive with a key you can reveal to the plod in which all they see is a bunch of files with your bank details and other mundane stuff in them that any normal, prudent citizen would want to keep safe in the event of their PC being stolen. However hidden on that drive is the second secure drive that unless you type in the right passwords doesn't even appear to be there, nor is it possible to prove their is a second drive and of course it is on this second drive that you store all your bomb making instructions, plans for setting fire to the Labour front bench and of course your dragon porn.

I've been using it for a couple of days now and it's supplanted my previous software (DriveCrypt) as hiding things tool of choice. Go get a copy, even if you have nothing to hide (but trust me that you do), just to stick two fingers up at the fascists we call a government

Fairy tales as science

This is just plain fucking wrong.

The teaching of evolution is becoming increasingly difficult in UK schools because of the rise of creationism, a leading scientist is warning. Head of science at London's Institute of Education Professor Michael Reiss says some teachers, fearful of entering the debate, avoid the subject totally.

Creationism and it's brother, Intelligent Design, which is just creationism dressed up in a lab coat, needs to be stomped on, breathed on and then stomped on some more. Anyone who still believes, in the face of the overwhelming evidence for humans coming into existence via evolutionary processes, that we were farted out of some middle eastern sky God's arse one Saturday morning in a moron. Believe in Intelligent Design if you want but I mentioned in a previous post if there was a designer he wasn't very intelligent but you're being wilfully ignorant and if you inflict this ignorance on your kids that's tantamount to child abuse in my book.

However what's even more scary is the reason Prof Reiss gives for the problem:

Prof Reiss says the rise of creationism is partly down to the large increase in Muslim pupils in UK schools. He said: "The number of Muslim students has grown considerably in the last 10 to 20 years and a higher proportion of Muslim families do not accept evolutionary theory compared with Christian families.

Yeah, and I bet that whereas most Christian families would just tut and scream their prayers a bit louder in little Johnny's ears the Muslims will be going down the school, demanding that their religion be respected and making those veiled threats along the "this is inflaming community tensions" which translates as "shut up dhimmis or its fatwa and explosions time".

I despair sometimes.

Scaly Dragon Porn

Just been having a look at my referrers - basically who comes to the blog as a result of what they search for in Google.

Jesus I have some seriously twisted readers; and that makes me very happy.

Apparently I am the number three result on google.com for "scaly dragon porn", right behind the guy who has a blog devoted exclusively to the subject¹ and I'm the number one result on Belgian Google for "elephant wanker"

Surrealism still going strong in the land of chips and chocolate then.


¹ Caution: Link not safe for work, for anyone for whom the term "Hot dragon vent action" is distasteful or anyone who appreciates decent furry spooge writing quite frankly.

Religion of peace my arse

Well I've been off for a week alternately putting my claws up, pottering around northern France and digging trenches for water pipes. So as I trundled off in the dark for the train this morning I was wondering if the world had become just maybe a little less insane in the intervening seven or eight days.

Not a chance.

First thing I see on the beeb is this

An advertising campaign promoting British Muslims as integrated citizens who reject extremism has been launched. Islam is Peace - formed after the bombings in London in July 2005 - has initially placed adverts on the capital's buses and Underground trains. They show a range of Muslims - including a policewoman, a Scout group and the chef Michael Barry - with the slogan "Proud to be a British Muslim". Organisers say research shows many Britons associate Islam with terrorism.

Yes, we associate Islam with terrorism because it's followers of Islam that are fucking blowing us up. We used to associate Irish Republicanism with terrorism for exactly the same reason. You want "us" to stop thinking of you as a load of bearded murderers, stop planting fucking bombs in our cities, that'll do the trick. But that's kind of easier said than done isn't it? For although you're keen to say...

The group insists that the religion demands that its followers live in peace with their neighbours within non-Muslim societies.

It actually doesn't. In fact it says the complete opposite. Not only does it explicity say that Muslims can't be friends with non-Muslims...

# 3:28 Let not the believers Take for friends or helpers Unbelievers rather than believers: if any do that, in nothing will there be help from God: except by way of precaution, that ye may Guard yourselves from them.

# 3:118 O ye who believe! Take not into your intimacy those outside your ranks: They will not fail to corrupt you. They only desire your ruin: Rank hatred has already appeared from their mouths: What their hearts conceal is far worse. We have made plain to you the Signs, if ye have wisdom.

# 4:144 O ye who believe! Take not for friends unbelievers rather than believers: Do ye wish to offer God an open proof against yourselves?

# 5:54 O ye who believe! take not the Jews and the Christians for your friends and protectors: They are but friends and protectors to each other. And he amongst you that turns to them (for friendship) is of them. Verily God guideth not a people unjust.

But you're actually supposed to convert us, by force if we don't submit willingly...

# 5:33 The Punishment for those who oppose Allah and his messenger is : Execution or Crucifixion or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides or exile from the land

# 8:38-39 Say to the Unbelievers, if (now) they desist (from Unbelief), their past would be forgiven them; but if they persist, the punishment of those before them is already (a matter of warning for them). And fight them on until there is no more tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in God altogether and everywhere; but if they cease, verily God doth see all that they do.

# 9:5 But when the forbidden months are past, then fight and slay the Pagans wherever ye find them, and seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem (of war); but if they repent, and establish regular prayers and practise regular charity, then open the way for them: for God is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

# 9:29 Fight those who believe not in God nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by God and His Apostle, nor acknowledge the religion of Truth, (even if they are) of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya [tribute] with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued.

# 9:123 O ye who believe! fight the unbelievers who gird you about, and let them find firmness in you: and know that God is with those who fear Him.

# 47:4 Therefore, when ye meet the Unbelievers (in fight), smite at their necks; At length, when ye have thoroughly subdued them, bind a bond firmly (on them): thereafter (is the time for) either generosity or ransom: Until the war lays down its burdens. Thus (are ye commanded): but if it had been God's Will, He could certainly have exacted retribution from them (Himself); but (He lets you fight) in order to test you, some with others. But those who are slain in the Way of God,- He will never let their deeds be lost.

And that's from two minutes Googling.

So, ye believers, you will will I hope forgive this little dragon's cynicism when you come the "Religion of Peace" line, because it quite clearly isn't.

Licentia est autem memoria

I was on the dealing floor today and between being yelled at by the barely evolved barrowboys who inhabit these regions glanced over at one of the big screen TVs permanently tuned to a news channel. Some dipshit politico was burbling away and underneath the scrolling ticker said something about the latest government wheeze to bring us all together.

So what would that be. Insistence on new arrivals being tested on their ability to speak English and if they can't after six months booting them out? The public hanging, drawing and quatering of the the next smegmatic imam to as much as vaguely hint that imposing sharia in the UK would be good thing. Scrapping all faith schools and insisting children be educated in mixed environments and all wearing the same school uniform?

Nope, we're going to have a national motto.

Yep. That'll do the trick.

I would suggest that the motto of the Firkin chain of pubs might be appropriate: "Nunc ad mortem bibendum" - "Now let us drink ourselves to death"

However Gordon, if you're reading this you can have the title of this blog as my gift to you for your motto. I doubt a pigshit stupid politico like you can actually speak Latin, you probably think it's "papist" given where you're from anyway, so I will translate.

"Freedom is but a memory"

You'll need to get it translated into Arabic, Pashtun and Wolof yourself.

On not stinking like an ashtray

Your little dragon was out on the ales last night with long time friend and occasional commentator on this blog "Blackpowder"¹; as usual at these events much Timmy Taylor's Landlord was consumed, laughs were had and I seem to remember we called the McCanns a bunch of creepy cunts on more than one occasion.

However about half way through the evening I noticed something... I was breathing. As you may know I'm a slightly asthmatic dragon and I don't tolerate smoke especially well but it wasn't smoky. Of course I'd forgotten about the smoking ban and this was the first time I'd been in a pub since it came into force. I must admit to being somewhat torn on the idea of a smoking ban. On the one hand I take a classic libertarian approach in that people can do what they want to their own bodies and the owner of a premises should be free to dictate the terms of use of those premises. conversely I fucking hate cigarette smoke and waking up in the morning stinking like an ashtray with a trip to the dry cleaners in prospect as my clothing now smells like Beelzebub's arse.

The clincher came this morning however. After a night in the pub on the Milk of Amnesia I woke up without that feeling that throughout the night two gay bull elephants have been bouncing up and down on my chest whilst having sloppy botty sex.

Smoking ban = good thing.


¹ Who I think I managed to persuade to start his own blog which is sure to be hilarious and even more grumpy than mine.

L'hiver viendra

J'entends le loup, le renard et la belette,
J'entends le loup et le renard chanter,
La jument de Michao a passé dans le pré,
La jument de Michao et son petit poulain,
A passé dans le pré et mangé tout le foin,
L'hiver viendra les gars, l'hiver viendra,
La jument de Michao, elle s'en repentira.

Brrr... L'hiver is indeed viendraing. Bloody freezing cold this morning and it's now got to the stage where it's dark when I haul myself out of the cave at 6am and it will be dark when I get home as well; at least we're not yet at the stage where it's dark when I get to and leave the office... I hate that, makes me feel like one of those pit ponies that used to work in the mines and only ever saw daylight at the weekends.

Speaking of ponies and my juments in particular they are starting to turn fluffy so that's a sure sign that winter is indeed on its way. Time to break out the rugs I bought in the sale. At least I got sorted out for foin, bought a hundred bales at the weekend which with what's left of last years should see me through to spring.

Now I just need to find out what a pré is and stop the girlies going into it. Don't want any repentiraing going on chez Dracunculus.

Northern on the Rocks

They say that if you owe the bank a thousand pounds you have a problem, however if you owe the bank a hundred thousand pounds the bank has a problem.

The Northern Rock have a really big problem dragon on their hands.