Sums all done

Well so much for getting back into blogging. My excuse has been my Open University degree course with a couple of exams that needed doing, the last of which was yesterday so that's it for a while now so I can come back in here and whitter on about nothing in particular.

Anyway can you all hear that screaming noise up and down the country? Yes? Well that's the sound of thousands of useless council employees being torn from the state's teat and thrown into the street as the crushing realisation dawns on them that the real world really doesn't need a "children's play diversity co-ordinator" or a "street furniture compliance officer", hopefully one of them is that utter twat of a "refuse officer" at a certain Norfolk borough council who unilaterally decided that I now have to traipse half a mile to the main road with my binbags as they can't get the bin truck to my door because of "health and safety" of the fucking binmen!

Well quite frankly good fucking riddance to the lot of them and all those media luvvies at the Beeb who are going to get the boot as well. Anything that basically gets government pared back to the absolute essentials only is a plus in my book and making up a load of non-jobs is no way to warehouse the surplus population. After 13 years of ZaNu Labour throwing cash at anything to shore up their vote we're bust, borassic, broke and other things meaning we have no money starting with "B". However I would be neglectful in my duties as a dragon if I did not come up with a few more draconian suggestions of my own.

Overseas Aid Budget to be cut to, oh lets say £0. If people want to help out the little brown babies then there are plenty of charities out there to give money to. I don't want to help the little brown babies and I definitely do not want to assist President Mwumumumumba of Corruptionland fund new marble lavatories for his presidential palace.

TV Licence Fee. New fee is £0. The Beeb will survive, you make all those nice costume dramas that you can sell. Why should I fund a left-leaning monolithic broadcaster. Pay your own way and stop raping my wallet of 150 quid a year you bastards.

Those banks you bailed out: Sell them. See I'm prepared to take my chances as well. I noticed that shares in Banko Di Haggis are around 50p these days so UK PLC might even turn a profit.

And finally - leave the EU. Keep the money we send to these bastards and cut VAT to 0 (want to know why Darling only cut VAT to 15% - the EU rules said it couldn't be any lower as that would disadvantage the Froggies). The VAT cut will hugely stimulate the economy, get businesses flooding in here and generating jobs (and tax revenue) plus a whole layer of administrative arseholes who collect this regressive tax are now no longer needed.

Oh and Mr and Mrs Vatman? Don't think your new job is sitting on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle. Here's a shovel and there's some sea defences that need shoring up, come on, put your backs into it.

Next Week: Fixing the incapacity benefit problem by releasing a hungry leopard into the room. Anyone who can manage to run away from the leopard does not need incapacity benefit and anyone who doesn't won't be needing any benefits any more.

Of mini-diggers and political oblivion

Yes I know. Bad dragon, not keeping his blog up to date.

Well the last couple of weeks I've been off on leave and playing with chainsaws and mini diggers so now rather than looking like a wilderness with briars and overgrown cypress leylandii it now looks like a recreation of a battle of the Somme with chickens. Actually getting away from a computer and TV for a while was rather refreshing.

However on getting back onto the train this morning I see the monocular cunt is no longer leader of the walking corpse that is the Labour Party and we have one of the milliwatt brothers at the helm of the sinking ship. Apparently this one is the lefty one and got in on the back of block union votes. Now as someone who detests the Labour party with a passion one normally reserves for root-canal surgery I'm absolutely delighted that they elected a leftie in thrall to a bunch of union dinosaurs, you might as well have dug this guy up and made him your leader...

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/00981/96-michael-foot_981288c.jpg

... as you've just consigned the party to the political wilderness for the next 15 years.

Now all we need is Cleggeron to grow a pair, cut taxes and give us our country back. Oh yeah, I forgot, they're still politicians.




Oh yes also at some point over my vacation I spent an afternoon sat in a field in Surrey with Pink Floyd's Dave Gilmore and an eventing horse. It's a long story.

I think that closes the matter

Stephen Hawking, the smartest man on the planet, has done lots of hard sums and says

"Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing," he writes. "Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist.

"It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper and set the universe going."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/sep/02/stephen-hawking-big-bang-creator

I believe that settles things. Case closed. All you religiots can go home now as the last "gap" your "god of the gaps" could have been hiding in isn't there any more.

Now can I have my fucking planet back from you please!

A game of numbers

Sorry about the lack of blogging, It's been a bit crazy these last few weeks.

However to make up for it I'd like you to meet Christopher Valentine. Mad as a bucket of elves.



Well it explains why I can never find any chopsticks in my kitchen drawer when I want to eat chinese.

But I bet you laughed at the batshit crazy guy who is clearly 100% hatstand.

But if he was stood there and told you about talking snakes, people with wings who had flaming swords and this Jewish guy who came back to life after being dead for 3 days then you'd just go "oh, right, another God-botherer"

All christianity and the other "real" religions have on their side which this guy doesn't is weight of numbers . Anyone who believes in the truth of the Bible/Koran/Haynes Manual of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (PBUH) is equally as howling-at-the-moon crazy as Chris here and clearly should be on some form of medication but aren't because, well, there's millions of them and Novartis simply could not make enough anti-psychotics.

Ramadan Mubarak

A little (NSFW) message for all my Muslim readers at Ramadan.

By the ever brilliant Grumpy Old Twat

Global Head of August

According to my manager I have been appointed the "Global Head of August" which apparently means that as everyone else in the team appears to be taking some if not all of next month off which leaves your scaly green friend the only person with any experience with his hands on the controls.

Why is everyone off in August? Ah that would be because they all have made a lifestyle choice to have little kiddies and August is school holidays and of course as I have made the other lifestyle choice not to clutter up my existence with little ankle-biters everyone assumes that I won't want to take any holidays in the summertime.

Well thanks for consulting me guys. And also, as it was your choice to have kids, how come you get tax breaks and benefits from government and I don't?

Oi Cleggeron! How about a "Covering for you when you have to go to Tarquin and Chardonnay's school sports day / leave early because it's parents evening / must have a week in Lloret del Mar when it's sunny and you just have to put up with whatever's available in September" tax credit.

Yeah, didn't think so.

Locked in, and the religiots have stolen the keys

Over on the BBC website today I read about this poor bastard called Tony Nickilson who, following a massive stroke and irreparable brain damage, has a body that is completely paralysed from the neck down but his higher brain functions are all fine.

Quite understandably he really doesn't want to keep on living like that but of course there's nothing he can do for himself so if he wants to die his choices are to starve himself to death or for someone to help him along. He's seeking a legal clarification that his other half won't be prosecuted for murder if, as he has clearly stated, she complies with his request to end his life.

Now in any sane, rational world this would not be a problem. Report from two or three doctors and psychiatrists into his mental and physical state and some proper oversight by a judge or similar legal figure of high standing and it would be all done and dusted. There would be, what, five, maybe ten such cases a year.

But oh no, the religious idiots, religiots as we'll call them from here on in, have to stick their oar in... let's see what the crypto god-bothering cockwallets at ProLife Alliance have to say:

“This is the most frightening attack so far on the current laws governing euthanasia in this country. As Mr Nicklinson cannot do anything himself to take his own life, this would not be a case under the law of assisted suicide but of murder... Hard cases make bad law and we simply cannot endanger the lives of thousands of vulnerable people in the interests of a tiny minority by sending out the message that it is permissible in certain circumstances to actively kill someone. A ‘right to die’ would rapidly become a ‘duty to die’ as the disabled would be made to feel that they are a burden on resources."

Look will you cunts just fuck the hell off my planet right now. This is the worst example of the slippery slope fallacy and it's the one you come out with all the fucking time. You have absolutely no evidence whatsoever about your "duty to die" assertion, none at all. It's complete bullshit and I know damned well you don't give a shit about the disabled, this is all about your angry middle eastern sky god. Proper oversight of any requests for assisted suicide by medical and legal professionals (who would naturally have to be screened to weed out any fans of Ratzi the Nazi and his paedophile protecting army of bishops) would be able to sort out the very rare cases of people leaning on granny to bump herself off before she spends their inheritance and unfortunate people like Tony would get the dignified release they so desperately want.

It's quite simple. If you want to cling onto life at all costs because you're scared of dying because of some myth invented by bronze age goat herders in Palestine then fine, you do so. But don't expect for one fucking nanosecond that your idiotic, irrational beliefs trump my right to decide what I do when I feel my life is not worth continuing.

I thank you for the lightning that shoots up and sparkles in the rain

OK so this is my last post on temporary celebrity dead ginger nutter Raoul Moat, even though he's still a trending topic on Twitter (mainly people reposting jokes at the expense of his admittedly silly name) and, unbelievably there are over 3000 people on the "RIP Raoul Moat You Legend" page.

As London Misfit points out in the comments to the last post it appears that he was tasered during the standoff, whether by Gurning Copper or someone else I guess we will never know. I heard two different accounts of said taser incident. The first one, that they zapped him after he had shot himself, seems a bit off to me. I mean the guy had just fired a shotgun at his head - it would be pretty obvious, even to the police who sometimes aren't the sharpest chisels in the toolset - that he wasn't going to be doing anything dangerous any more so hitting him with 20,000 volts seems a bit like overkill to me.

The other question, and one I'm sure will be asked over the next few weeks, is that did they zap him unsuccessfully before he shot himself and, crucially, did that cause him to shoot himself? Now from where I sit (on the outside, making generally uninformed guesses) this seems more plausible. It was pissing down and he had a lot of thick clothes on so I imagine that a taser, which to work properly has to get the little barb things to contact the skin of the target, probably got blocked by the soggy clothes and didn't take him down as desired. I'm also wondering if said soggy clothes just conducted the electricity round his body and caused a muscle spasm whilst his finger was on the trigger and blammo, instant dead Geordie.

Only not quite so instant, as he died in hospital a couple of hours later. Now I would have thought (again, with nothing to base this on apart from it seems to make sense) that a shotgun under the chin at point blank range would, when discharged, blow your head clean off your shoulders. Maybe as well as causing him to pull the trigger the taser caused him to miss a bit.

Anyway it doesn't really matter. He's dead which means my taxes aren't going to keeping him in chokey for the rest of his life which is a good thing. If it were me in charge up there instead of Margaret Beckett and Shergar's bastard love child I'd have said "first one of you with a clear shot, drop the bastard".

However one last thought. If one whackjob with a sawn-off and six cartridges can have the resources of 10% of the entire armed constabulary thrown at it, can you imagine what would happen if 20 or 50 people were to do what Moat did at the same time as a co-ordinated attack? You could destroy a country that way. For fuck's sake nobody tell the mussies.

To the gurning copper at the Raoul Moat standoff

Hello, yes you, the gurning copper with the taser.



Look I know you get a bit upset with people taking pictures, especially pictures of coppers, but might I give you a spot of health and safety advice. If you are going to turn your head, grimace and berate a member of the public for having the temerity to photograph you in the course of your duties it would be a really good idea if YOU TOOK YOUR FUCKING FINGER OFF THE TRIGGER OF YOUR SODDING WEAPON!

Thanks for listening.

Grumpy.

PS: Apparently former footballer and celebrity wife-beater and pisshead Paul "Gazzer" Gascoigne turned up in Rothbury last night, pissed as a newt, wanting to take his old mate "Moatie" some chicken, a warm coat and a can a lager then sit down with him and do some fishing. A local radio station managed to get an interview with him which is hilarious... go have a listen: http://ht.ly/29y6m

Anybody seen a Raoul

You know for a ginger haired body-builder ripped to his tits on steroids he's proving rather elusive isn't he?

Mind you plod are not exactly covering themselves in glory here because despite flooding Northumbria with any copper who can be more or less trusted to hold a gun and not point it the wrong way, flying about in helicopters and apparently getting the RAF to strafe anything that moves fly over in a Tornado with a thermal imaging camera they seem to be sigularly unable to find him.

Of course this is leading to a few wags gently taking the piss at the competence of the Northumberland Constabulary: http://twitpic.com/23rywn

Actually in more than a few cases not that gently. In fact you don't have to dig too deep on Teh Interwebs to see a rather weird phenomenon developing - that of a psycho nutcase who has shot his ex-girlfriend and her new bloke rapidly becoming something of a folk hero.

Actually on reflection it's not that strange. Moaty-boy's stroke of genius, albeit one more by luck and paranoid delusion rather than careful thought, was to say "I'm only going after coppers" and then taking a pot shot at some unfortunate plod in a panda car to prove his point.

Now there's a considerable number of people out there who don't really like the police, nothing serious, they're not going to have ACAB¹ tattooed on their knuckles any time soon but years of state nannying, stupid laws unthinkingly enforced, random "terror" searches where you know you're being searched just so they can tick the "we don't target mussies" box, people illegally stopped by plod from taking photos and sundry other minor injustices has got quite a few people's backs up. As Raoul says we're not a target and as plod start to look more and more incompetent I can see how your average bod can sit back and almost enjoy the spectacle of the police being made to look like bungling incompetents by the most unlikely of folk heroes.

The police really haven't helped themselves by saying "Ah, we have information that he's now a threat to the general public" and then when asked what kind of threat the Police Chiefette who looks like Margaret Beckett's love child with Shergar pops onto the TV to day "Er... we're not going to tell you." You could hear the cries of "Oh yeah? Chinny rec-on" all up and down the nation.

So where is he. My guess is he's in a bar in Ireland watching the news and laughing. Or he's crawled into a hole and killed himself.

I think we should ask that octopus who can predict footy matches.


¹ Stands for "All Coppers Are Bastards"