The new prudery

Apparently one of the top 10 complained about advertisments was one for a fizzy french orange drink with 286 complaints. So what was so distressing about the frogs pimping sugary water that tastes like sick¹. People apparenty "complained about the overly sexual nature of the scene."

Yeah, ok. But the advert featured CARTOON ANIMALS for fucks sake.

Here it is, take a look...



Actually that antelope is pretty hot, nearly as good as the Cadbury Caramel bunny.

OK so rather amusing, couple of film references in there to American Beauty and that one with the woman doing the shower thing on stage and it's all a bit tongue in cheek and a bit of fun - mind you the squid thing is a bit creepy. So what is wrong with these 280 odd people that they could be so bothered by that that they got off their wobbly arses and took time to write a letter of complaint! Hell what you just saw was the unexpurgated French version so I bet the 30 second UK one was a hell of a lot tamer.

I'm seeing more and more of this. It's the new prudery and we need to fight back people. I say more furry boobs and sexually provocative jungle creatures straddling bottles and dancing to salsa tunes.


PS: Second zebra from the left... anyone have her phone number?

¹ Actually it doesn't, I rather like it

Mathematics for Dragons

I can has a new blog.

I'm keeping this one of course but I've started a new blog called Mathematics for Dragons where I'm going to post all my adding up related witterings and musings on sums, kicking off with what actually happens when you try and divide by zero.

Probably not a lot of swearing, well not until the course get to calculus anyway.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

... and I feel a touch of flu coming on.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death,
and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part
of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the
beasts of the earth.

I have a couple of ponies... maybe they have a vacancy for a fifth horseman:

And I looked and behold a small black Dartmoor pony; and his name that sat on
her was Dragon and a scooter from the indian take-away carrying a chicken
jalfrezi followed with him. And power was given unto Dragon over ye interweb so
that he might stomp around and curse and drink beer.

Well so far I think more people have died from bizarre bathplug related injuries than have died of the flu. Sure I know that this could become a pandemic but after H5N1, Ebola, Marburg and that one that made you think you were a marmoset¹ you can forgive me if I think I can hear someone shouting Canis Lupus here.

For the best commentary though you have to turn to the intarwebs and in particularly that paragon of sensible and mature debate "Have Your Say" on the BBC news website.

Despite being a moderated forum moderation seems to go as far as someone making sure not too many instances of the word "fuck" get through because every conspiracy theorist and loon from here to Timbuctoo has sprung up here. The best examples so far are:

• This is Allah's punishment on infidels for eating pork, as muslims don't eat pork then muslims won't catch swine flu
• This is a genetically engineered virus that has been deliberately released by the CIA / Mossad / Illuminati / Tufty Club to cull the human population
• Aliens did it
• If you are vegetarian you won't catch it
• The "Case Zero" pig needs to be found and the owner punished
• Its because of Climate Change

I was going to weigh in with "It's Gordon Brown's fault" but I notice the moderation queue is currently standing at over 1000 posts.

Just to be on the safe side if anyone approaches me who has a slight sniffle I'll set them alight. Can't be too careful.

¹ I think I might have dreamed that one.

Yeah, that should work.

It would seem that later on this week the City of London is going to be invaded by a rag-tag collection of the great unwashed, eco-nazis, trustafarians and other sundry wastes of DNA all no doubt scrounging the dole (well they are not earning a living or they would be at work on Wednesday wouldn't they?). Naturally as the paedophiles de jour they will be coming to the banks and no doubt shouting at us for daring to have made some money and then, well, losing it.

We have been told that we should not "engage with" the protesters, which is a shame as I was looking forward to getting stuck in and should "call the police if we feel threatened." Yeah, right.

But the best bit is that we have been instructed that in order to keep a low profile we should all dress "casually" for the next few days. Now nobody in The City has worn a tie for years and so being pretty casual its hard to see how much more scruffy we can get. However some of my colleagues in "distressed" jeans and t-shirts were making a fair fist of it this morning.

Quite how this wizard wheeze is supposed to help us avoid the protesters bent on the destruction of capitalism has not really been explained to us, especially when the awkward little green dragon pointed out that we would be walking out of a building with "Banko Di Haggis" written on the front in 20 foot high illuminated letters.

That, combined with our front-of-house security team consisting of Wilf and Albert who have a combined age of 160 and who look like they would have trouble remaining perpendicular to the floor in a modest breeze are not exactly filling me with confidence so I'm planning on bringing in my nunchuks in on Wednesday.

Condoms or USB Sticks

I got a couple of cheapie USB memory sticks at the weekend off Ebay. This is the packet they came in...



Can't help thinking that Whang Whang Print And Box Co. of Shenzen happened to have been packaging condoms just prior to packaging these and just went "ah fuck it, keep the picture, just change the words"

Princess of Fucking Hearts II

OK so Jade fucking Goody has finally shuffled off this mortal coil and joined the Choir Invisible.

Now can we all try very fucking hard not to turn her into the next pissing Princess Diana. I'm watching the BBC News and every twat on the programme is going on about what a marvellous person she was, what a wonderful mother she was, honestly she was not a racist even though there was all that business with that woman from India and, icing on the cake, we have had some bishop saying what a deep and spiritual person she was who has "captured the hearts of the nation" or some such fucking platitude.

Let's get a grip here. This is someone who is famous for being famous and who made pig shit look like it had a PhD. Sure she died of cancer which sucks but how many other people died of cancer today... let me tell you, based on the 2006 statistics over 420 people will die of various cancers today. 419 of them will not have Max Clifford raking in thousands for the people they leave behind, they won't have some kiddy fiddling bishop eulogising them on national television, they won't be a candidate for the next fucking Princess of Hearts.

Well she has got one thing in common with Princess D, they have about the same IQ.

Desperate Voices

You know I think that you must be able to get hold of a satellite channel for thruppence and a pickled egg these days. Having an arse about on a mate's satellite rig I managed to get hold of a channel called "Gay Chat". The premise of this channel seems to be if you are terminally shy with a lousy phone manner and you would like to get some botty action you ring up at 25p a minute, leave a message and presumably people ring in and ask to talk to "Barry in Stoke who likes dressing up and is flexible".

I sat there transfixed for ages. A parade of the lost and lonely, you could hear the desperation in the voices, "I'm Frances," said a chap probably called Sidney putting on his best husky female voice, "please come and dress me up." Then there were the poor sods who straight after saying "I'm Mike", probably then said "I like horsecock" and they edited it so all you got was "I'm Mike" which I'm guessing isn't going to get him many responses and the funniest one had to be the guy who came on and in a tired, bored voice simply said "I'm Pete and I'm in Derby".

I've been to Derby. I sympathise.

Call after call emphasising how they were not a timewaster, that they were "genuine", that they "could accomodate, looking for a meet tonight" which I am assuming for "I am alone in my little flat and I need some human company, please don't fuck me over like so many tossers have done before"

And the cruellest irony came after a few minutes when I heard "I'll be in Barnstaple this Friday, January the 9th"... the fucking calls weren't even current! Somebody somewhere was rolling around in fivers culled from the 10p a minute he got from every desperate twat who rang his 0898 number to be dissapointed yet again. I guess if worst comes to worst he can always pay for the company.

A couple of channels down were about thirty similar channels for heterosexuals, all the same, all just as desperate.

Fred to Darling: "Fuck You"

You know what, if I had managed to negotiate a future income of 25 grand a week, fine wines, country houses and as many girls as my tongue could cope with¹ from a government that could not find its arse with both hands and a map let alone navigate a path to future prosperity I would most certainly be going "Fuck you" when said government came back and said "er, that deal we negotiated, it's really become politically embarrassing so would you mind handing that seventeen million quid back"

Look as you know I work for Banco di Haggis I'm not really meant to comment but let's say that should Sir Fred ever cross my path he'd be getting both nostrils set to "crispy" and not just because he's a fucking knight but he made a great place to work into a laughing stock and every time we get summoned to a manager's pow-wow we're all sat there going "ooooh fuck... here it comes"... and don't get me started on the sodding ABN merger. That said though if the government, B de H's major (only?) shareholder makes such an epic FAIL then one really cannot blame Fred The Shite for taking the cash and running whilst no doubt grinning like a loon at his good fortune.

Mind you we now have to watch NuLab throw good money after bad as they will no doubt in their socialist spite start a court case to get the cash back. When they do I really hope that Fred opens up and spills the whole story of the backroom deals and political chicanery that went on "that weekend" and thus hammers yet another nine incher into the coffin of Gordon the Monocular Cunt.


¹ (c) Ben Elton, back when he was funny.

Who Killed Stuart Lubbock?

All through yesterday thanks to the humungous plasma screen tellies on the wall at work (now 70% owned by all you lucky taxpayers out there) which are permanently tuned to Sky News for some unfathomable reason every time I looked up I was treated to the sorry sight of this stupid fucker.



This is Terry Lubbock who yesterday was sporting the t-shirt you see in the picture which reads "Who killed Stuart Lubbock?". I am assuming it says that because the guys down at PrintaShirt told him that "I am a homophobe who cannot accept the fact that my son was into taking massive quantities of drugs and enjoyed getting rogered roughly up the arse" would not fit, even on an XXL shirt.

OK so it kinda sucks that your kid died but what do you fucking expect when he took a cocktail of drink, ecstasy and enough Colombian marching powder to open an artificial ski-slope and then, after a few rounds of coked-up bottysex, fell into a swimming pool when everyone else was similarly in a haze of pharmaceutical oblivion and probably, therefore, not at their most attentive.

Actually come to think of it... how come I never get invited to that sort of party?

So even though the Essex Filth made a complete Horlicks of the investigation, my guess is Terry that who killed your son was himself.

But that's not good enough for you is it Tezza, no we need to keep blaming the nasty queers because your son wasn't a queer was he? No could not have been, look here's a picture of him in a morning suit getting married to something dressed in a marquee. He really could not have possibly been on the other bus and fantasized about pulling a train of these guys...



... not your perfect son, no way. Must have been murder. Course it must.

Still, nice little handout coming to you courtesy of the public purse. When some granny in Basildon gets her head cracked open by some scrote who nicks her pension money because there's no copper on the street because that copper's salary is in your back pocket I'm sure that won't cause you any lack of sleep. You cunt.

Introducing The Archko Volume

OK so I have fallen for this "Let Wikipedia Name Your Band" meme.


This is my little beat combo:

If The Archko Volume sounded like anything I recon it would be something like early Simple Minds meets Godspeed You Black Emperor but played on xylophones and ukuleles.

Have a go yourself... it's rather fun:

Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random” and the title of the first article you get is the
name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five
words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your imaginary band’s
album. Next, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the
third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Have a look at some more (done with better photoshoppery than I can muster!) here:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-best-of-wikipedia-names-your-band